Trying2Live-Post #3

[hope3343]

Hello everyone! T2L, thanks for the response. Also ALL and faith we are all on top of our game today. Such uplifting posts today.

All you are doing good, staying very positive. My only suggestion when your H tries to draw you into any conversation about "friend's" OW or anything like that -- detach. If H tries to pin you down say you are not comfortable talking about any type of conversation about friends cheating. End of discussion, and then find an excuse to go off and do something else.

Faith, you are doing good also. When H comes over DB said don't follow him around, don't do R talks, detach a bit -- make a phone call to a friend, laugh, walk into the other room, be mysterious, even if you are talking to the plumber! If H keeps asking if you are ok -- say something like "why do you want to know" and then laugh.

T2L, I AM running off what you wrote and keeping it next to my night stand. I like the part about God giving us new mercies everyday. I do pray to God all the time and have taken to reading the Bible at night looking up passages (something I have never done in life) but I think that I am not taking the time to listen. God knows what I want, He hears me, but I need to fully turn it over.

Well I just was outside and ran into some of the people that work for my H, they were going on a tour of another facility on base. As I was talking H walks outside, H says hi and I could see he is checking me out. (I have not really seen him in more than a week). I wore a shirt that I have not worn for awhile that never fit me (it is almost big) and new pants (2 sizes smaller). I talked to the other guys for another minute, laughing, smiling and said I have to go -- H says goodbye and I walk away never looking back. They were waiting for the other side of team which consists of the OW (do not want to hang around for that) -- see I did not follow the cheeseless tunnel.

I was wondering if H had heard about the notice I put up in OW's office. I could not tell from his expression. I am hoping the whole office saw it. Implied exposure.

I have a meeting this afternoon that H is part of. I will remain cool, collected, and detached. I am going to Yoga so I will breathe, breathe, breathe!

T2L, when do you see your H again? Has he been in contact?

[Trying2live]

Well H was supposed to come over last Sunday but he canceled. kids were disappointed but chose not to allow it to bother me, used the time to not have to be perfect LOL and take a much needed nap! Was was actually with us most of Saturday, he came to sons game, took us to lunch said he wanted to come over for a little. Did a few home chores and then told me he would be leaving in an hour. I looked at him puzzled like why are you telling me this< acted like wasn't worried, he said well I just didn't want you to think I was staying late, said no problem cheerfully and kept watching the movie I put in. well he never left until 10PM. wE think that he got busted by the OW so she wouldn't let him come.

He got kinda irritated since kids were disappointed, so since I'm in Plan A(SAA book) I disregarded his responses and sent him an email in the morning telling him I was glad he go rest and he had looked really tired. I also included all the plans the kids and I had for the week asking him if he was coming.

So he will be here tomorrow for pumpkin carving and dinner. He will be here Friday night for trick or treating and dinner, he will be going to sons game Saturday at 3 pm and I'm sure we'll be hanging out, and he will be taking son to football weigh-ins Sunday morning and then after we will be meeting for lunch with a friend from church. Can you say Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. BUT STILL I HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS! I really don't. It protects me and its wisdom. Either way I will be doing these things. And I asked him to take a Saturday off and he did so on the 8th we'll hang out for sons game and then do a day trip with the kids.
Yes the OW is in the picture, yes he is living with her, I am in Plan A of surviving an affair, I have no expectations from fog man at all, I still GAL, and try to 180 anytime there is interaction. But remember I had hardly NO contact with this man for about 5 months only if very very necessary or in response to his nasty emails other wise, I never called, texted, or chased in any way shape or form. At times he would text goodnight and I responded once and then never again. It wasn't until I got the SAA book and hit the end of the 5th month did I resume contact with him. Now I don't know if this is the way everyone should go, but I had 3 coaching sessions with Jody who is great by the way and the 1st thing she said is to reduce negative emotions and limit ALL contact so I followed her advice.
We'll see how it goes, doesn't matter I HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS LOL

[faithrunner]

Thanks, T2L. I really don't know what his A status is. He was in EA, I found emails 2 weeks ago. Then, something happened a week and a half ago, he said he was having "mental breakdown" and had to leave during the afternoon on a Sunday. Since that day, he's been calling a little more and asking the "are we ok" stuff more. So, I wondered if the EA ended. OW is not happy with him spending every weekend with us. In the evenings when he leaves, he always calls when he gets back to the base and again as soon as he wakes up, so I believe that he is there and not out with OW. This is his routine every night, so I wonder.

I will take your advice about not being available for every invitation. I like that idea. And, I'll let some calls go to voicemail. Plus, I love your advice about being myself. I really got confused about all that. Should I look at him, should I buzz around like I'm busy, should I smile at him? It makes your head spin! I have to work on letting me shine through and maintain the mystery while he's always around! That's my challenge.

[hope3343]

T2L, sounds like your dance card is full the next 4 days! The OW will go crazy! Especially with Halloween, I am sure she wants to go out and party that night hitting the bars. I know my H's OW that is one of her biggest holidays so I know she will be dragging him out and it will probably be their only safe night out if they dress up and no one recognizes them!

who is the friend from the church you and him are meeting for lunch? Is it a mutual friend? someone who is on your side? just curious.

I still have one session with Jody. Need to plan it. Did Jody tell you how to reduce negative emotions? I am limiting contact which is easy now that D and H are on non-speaking terms. Also H told me he called his sister. I wonder what happened with that conversation?

Well I am off to my meeting that H attends. Say a prayer for me all. composure, strength, positive attitude.

[Trying2live]

Yes the friend is a someone who is male. he did the same thing many years ago tried to reconcile but wife said no way. he is very wealthy and a super nice guys. he told H don't do this, if its the sex that's gonna get old, that he would trade all his money(and its alot) for what we had. So yes he's on my side. He tried many times to talk with H but H was in the fog so he wouldn't listen. When they are in the fog they not only won't listen to you, but to anyone. My H told his brother to F off and never to talk to him again, so you see the fog is not our friend LOLOL!

Yes I hope it's a busy weekend but I have.....you guessed it....No expectations!!! But really feel free to jingle during the day as most of the time except Sunday he wont be over til afternoon.
I'm going to try and post about the information on the feminine nature on a separate post for everyone to read since some of you asked.

[Trying2live]

Faith, I forgot you are military. Are you air force. I have had many friends and my sister who is military. My heart goes out to you. I wish everyone knew about the military, the married aspect of it. I love our military and support them completely 101%.

The only down side is that is seems to be a huge swingers club! I understand what you are going through because I have heard it again and again.

Ya know, if he asks you are we ok next time(wait til he does it in person) sweetly smile and chuckle and say yeah why would you ask? Something on your mind and just kinda walk away or find something to do like your not really listening or engaged and see what he says. I'm kinda curious why he keeps asking that. But you gotta do real non-challant, I did this with my H one time as I thumbed through the mail acting as if I was only hafl engaged in the convo.

Very good, let some go to voice mail accept half of the invitations and Keep GALi'ing.

[Trying2live]

THIS IS TO EVERYONE,
Okay here is the information I told you about the feminine nature. Take it or leave it, just an opinion.

There is a masculine nature and a feminine nature. A man is naturally drawn to a feminine nature. It's like radar and it doesn't necessarily have to do with physical looks.

Ever notice how older men go for younger girls? Well automatically we think well its got to be the younger body, and yes sometimes it is, but sometimes it's because younger girls still have that feminine nature, they haven't lost it yet. They exude femininity. Don't confuse it with something sexual.

Something happens to women as we get older, are raising our families, working and all the pressures of life come in and we lose our feminine nature. It's so easy to happen, in fact most of us don't even noticed it happened.

What is it? Now don't feel you need to be an airhead but girls it works. Men are drawn to it. It's that bubbly, happy go lucky, cheerful, adventurous, effervescent, giggly, spontaneous, carefree, flirty, confident, sexually confident way that only a woman can be. I think the OW do this. Examine the behavior of a younger woman, its very much the same way isn't it.

As we get older we lose that, and its so easy because we bear so much of the family responsibilities. We become harder, we lose spontaneity and laughter, we become very serious, very calculated and planned, we stop flirting, we lose our bubbly and become boring and exhibit more masculine traits.

The feminine nature is our true nature. Its God given. Remember back when you were courting your spouse? You were probably exhibiting more feminine traits as the ones I listed above. trust me you did or your spouse may not have been attracted to you.

Of course there are other things you may have done as well, filling love bank etc(Surviving An Affair by Willard Harley).

So there you have it. Tap into and find that feminine part of you. you'll have more fun either way because its so much more fun being a girl that a boy LOLOL, but really hope that makes sense to ya'll.

[hope3343]

Hi, went to my meeting -- H comes in and sits next to me. H always carries soda around with him and usually we share it. H passes the soda to me and I take a sip. Felt like old days for a second.
I was stretching my arm out and H says are you ok and I say "sweetly" I think I really pulled my arm in Yoga today.
We talked about work and then he asks about D15. I said she is home sick today again. H asks should I go see her. And I said "Im sorry she specifically asked that you not come over." H actually winced but I was not going to sugar coat it (truth dart)
Then he tells me he is working Sat. on project, I tell him if you need any help (my area of expertise) let me know. H said thanks I appreciate it, then I mention -- I will not be available after 10 am because me and D are going to hairdressers, salon because she has Homecoming on Sat. night. (he never remembers what her schedule is), H says nothing but I know he is hurting because these events are important. D has already told me that she does not want her father there. I am not forcing her, but I will give a picture to H. Pretty sad.

How does H look -- face is bloated (drinking), and he has put on some serious weight (drinking and junk food).

After the meeting I engage in conversation with a co-worker and H is kinda standing there, then says to me I have to use the bathroom upstairs. I say bye, and continue talking to coworker and we are leaving and H comes back down and I just keep walking...

Now as for the notice on OW office...I just find out she has been out 3 days (sick? more plastic surgery? whatever?), so I hope no one removes the notice before she comes back)

T2L, I hope when you both meet with the friend on Sunday that H might be more receptive to listening what he has to say.
A couple of questions -- when your friend had his A how long before he tried to reconcile with wife? Also is he remarried now to OW? Just wondering how long it took before he realized his mistakes

[hope3343]

Hey T2L, just read about the feminine nature. Really hit the nail on the head for me. Your right I lost it. I felt more like H's mother than his wife. I had 3 children instead of 2. I definitely need to work on my feminine side. Right now I can only probably act like that is if I have been drinking. How sad. I was very calculating and had no free spirit. Need to figure out how to get it back.
I do find I am dressing differently. Put all the old lady clothes away, and dressing more feminine now that I am losing weight. Just need that attitude.
My suggestion -- all of us fly to CA and T2L can run a class for us!

[faithrunner]

I agree with Hope!!

Hope, you nailed it at the meeting! Such a confident, nonchallant response to the soda can offering and continuing to act as if for the rest of the meeting! Way to go! H was clearly curious about you after the meeting, too. Wonder if he was thinking about the porch light comment . . .

T2L, thank you so much for your advice about being myself this afternoon. H called on his way to pick up the kids and I let it go to voicemail. That was tough!! Our conversations are pretty pleasant, so it was hard not to pick up the phone but I'm glad I didn't. When he got home with the kids, I was cheerful, smiling, and looking good. I looked him in the eye a lot more. We joked around while we played with the kids, he even called me honey. I kept talking like I didn't notice.

Then he starts talking about his doctoral presentation for Friday. I told him, smiling, that I was really proud of him and his research. My eyes got a little misty so I got something out of the cabinet then turned around again. I said this is such a big deal and congratulations. He said "I couldn't have done it without you and the boys".

H was supposed to meet his brother tonight to celebrate brother's bday. On his way down to meet him (about 40 min drive) his brother called and said he forgot he had to cancel. So H called, "just wanted you to know my plans had changed." He decided to go back to the base and work on his presentation for Friday. Then he said,"was that moist eyes I saw in the kitchen? What was that about (jokingly)" I said I have a sinus infection, everything in my head is moist. He laughed. I said I thought his acheivement was really great and I was proud of all his work. He said thanks and he would call me later.

I think I'm going to write down some GAL and distancing goals for the rest of this week, so that I don't start to give him puppy eyes. BTW, T2L, H is army reserves, so he doesn't really hang with that crowd. He ended up with a room in visiting officers quarters b/c he gets deployed in Dec to Iraq and so couldn't do a lease anywhere before he left. I think it's been a blessing in disguise b/c I think if he had an apartment again, he would be there a lot more than here.

I agree with you and Hope about the next time he asks are we ok. I always laugh a little, but I'll say yeah why do you ask and walk away.