I am not much of a poster anymore, but I have read your thread, and want to offer a little insight from someone who is a little further into this.
First, you will need a whole hell of a lot of patience to get through this, and you have to stand strong.
Second, remember this...she is hurting to. I believe sometimes it seems like we are the only ones who are hurting when something like this happens, but that is not the truth. She hurts too, only she doesn't know why. Right now, she is trying to lash out at everyone and everything. It is everyone else's fault because she cannot face the fact that it is partly her fault that your M has fallen apart.
Now, let me use this scenario...if you tell a small child not to touch a hot stove, what are they going to do? Touch it, right. They are doing it because they don't believe what you are telling them.
Right now, your W does not believe what you are telling her. Words are pretty, but actions speak louder.
Detachment and going dim/dark are more than just an action, they are a state of mind. You have to be prepared for whatever comes. But I will tell you this much, there is some peace of mind that is included with both things. There are reasons you and your W cannot go dark, you have children. For a while, and I don't mean a day or two, but maybe a month or two, make every phone call about the children. Be nice, but business like. She is not going to miss you if you don't let her handle her own life on her own. Listen to her, but don't offer to fix it, or offer advice. Just be there. Don't call her. Let her come to you.
From personal experience, this is one of the most daunting and difficult tasks you will ever perform. However, there are two things that come out of this. 1. You find strength you never knew you had. And trust me, it is there. 2. This one is just a possibility, but the fact is your W may realize what life will be like w/o you, and decide she doesn't like it too much.
I have several mantras, and you should get one that you can repeat that works for you.
1. Breath. 2. Sometimes it has to die before it can begin again 3. Breath. 4. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift which is why the call it the present.
You cannot change yesterday, and you don't know what will happen tomorrow, so all you have is today. Live your moments.
And don't forget
Breath
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
