I think I posted this in the wrong forum before so I'm hoping this is the right place for this.
Hello..
I've been married for 9 years and been together for 11. We have two beautiful girls, 5 and 7. My wife told me a couple weeks ago that she wasn't in love with me anymore and a couple days ago told me that she wants a divorce.
I asked her about my boundries and she said it was ok that I still hug and kiss her. She still wants to have "date night" where both of us go out and do something together. She said this is to build a friendship for the kids". I took it that she just wants a friendship and doesn't want to try to help our marriage. She still calls me sweetie, hon, etc. She doesn't want to go to any councelling of any kind. We both play an online game which she gets a lot of attention on. She loves playing the game and it makes her happy because she gets a lot of attention and likes playing.
She wants me to be confident, she wants me to be healthy, and she wants me to be a happy and positive person. She wants to hear how good my day at work was.
The problem is that I was addicted to the computer/gaming and I have neglected the relationship for the past 8 years. She finally had enough and said she was done. She has been a stay at home Mom and has not had any socialization really for the past 8 years. I neglected her, didn't listen to her, and didn't give my time to the family.
I seen the light and told myself that I need to make myself a better person for myself but also for my family which she is a part of. I've joined a gym, seen my doctors, and seeing a psycologist to help me out. I've been helping get the kids to bed, I've been doing things around the house as I see them when they need to be done and I don't point these things out to her seeking her approval. I'm doing them because I want to do them and I know that is what a good father and husband does.
I still have to admit that I'm scared out of my wits that she is still set on divorce and is going to leave at some point. Our mortgage is under water right now with the housing prices being so low so if she did leave we would have to walk away from it and take a big hit on our credit. This is good for me! It gives me time to make the changes I need to make and show her I am not that selfish husband/father that I was in the past years.
I've talked to her too much about this stuff and I have over-talked my stay. I cannot talk to her anymore about this as she is completely done talking.
I have since got a marriage coach from this site and have started to completely leave her alone. I'm not touching her anymore, not telling her I love her anymore and not saying anything about anything. When she talks about stuff, I actively listen and when she is telling me about something that made her happy I make sure to tell her something like "I bet that made you feel good." to let her know that I am listening and confirming how she is feeling. I make good eye contact as well when she talks to me. I also talk to her if I have something funny to tell her or show her a funny/interesting video clip that I've found on the net. Monday was the first day where I stopped touching her. I would -always- touch her when I would leave. A hug, a kiss, a touch on the back, something and I would always say I loved her. Monday afternoon I stopped all that and yesterday (Tuesday 10/28/2008) was the first full day of me not touching her or saying I love her. Yesterday was a fully nice day. It was hard from my perspective but I got through it. I didn't sleep well last night because it feels like that if I'm backing off I will allow her to leave me easier. Up front I know this is not the case but my deep emotions are scared of losing her. She is a wonderful women, friend, and I just love her so much. I'm completely ashamed of myself that I treated her this way in the past and put her where she is today.
It feels to me like we're separated but living in the same house. It's very hard for me to go home every day and put on a happy face. I do my best though and I listen to her and I make good eye contact and make sure that I confirm how she feels about what she is saying. I'm learning that this is what a good listener does for someone and I am enjoying that.
From what I've said here, what are your opinions? Does it sound like she is really done or is she just saying that out of pain but her actions speak otherwise? I'm kind of confused about this so I would like to hear from other people what they think. I would especially like to hear from women because they understand what and how other women think.
