Good morning all. Sorry I was absent for a day. I took the day off of work and W is home too. I only post at work so she can't sniff around and find out. I know whe wouldn't understand why I need this board.
Trapt, I was sorry to read what happened with your W. Don't worry about what you think you said or did wrong. Just get back on track, get a hold of your emotions and turn back into that rock. When you finally do get together with her for her birthday, be nice as pie and smile and be happy. Not only for you but for your kids who probably are really looking forward to giving mom a fun birthday. My birthday was last week and my W did that for me with my kids and it was nice.
As for my last few days, they have been okay. I thought for sure that monday was going to be terrible with the reversal and all but when I got home from work W actually was being quite pleasant. She went out to run some errands and the newest baby step is that she has been checking in with me to let me know if she is running late or going someplace else. It is a small change, but one for the positive. Then I was off yesterday and I took our S to his play class and she ran some more errands while D was at school. Then she called and said why don't we meet for lunch. So I took S and she had D and we had a nice lunch. Later we were home for the afternoon and we had a chance to talk a little and catch up. All nice. At night she went and worked out ant then get this....for the first time in weeks she had no plans to disappear and get out of the house. She even offered for us to catch up on some of our DVR'd shows we watch. This is another small baby step I think.
But you will all be proud because I then told her that I had to run a couple of errands and return a shirt. I really didn't have to but I wanted her to wait for me to get on with the shows. So I went out and took my time, got a coffee and relaxed. Then when I came home we watched a couple shows and went to bed. She is still making a point to say goodnight and be friendly and i like that.
The hard part is beleiving that giving her this space is what she needs. I worry that because other than her being in the guest room everything is status quo. I still take care of everything financially and do things like make dinner and such when I can. Part of me of course wants to teach her a lesson about what life alone or apart would really be like, since she has never lived on her own.
But things have been okay for a week now except for that quick mood on Sunday night. So why rock the boat, I need to remember these time when things turn to crap over the weekend.
I hope you are all doing well and thanks for listening again.
Married 10/12/2002 Me 35 Ring On Her 29 Ring Off D 4 S 2 Don't know if I am in love with you 10/7/08 Kinda Separated 10/7/08 EA/OM 6/6/08
my current thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1623276&page=1&fpart=4
Having a really tough time with PMA today. W hasn't called or texted or anything. I expected it but today I am a little weak. My guess is that she is pulling back because we have had a decent week and she can sense that. This really sucks. I might need to cry and get it out of my system before I get home. Clear my head and get ready for the long fight.
Bllllaaaahhhhhh. That says it all.
Married 10/12/2002 Me 35 Ring On Her 29 Ring Off D 4 S 2 Don't know if I am in love with you 10/7/08 Kinda Separated 10/7/08 EA/OM 6/6/08
my current thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1623276&page=1&fpart=4
Yeah it's sucks, but no it doesn't. You had a decent week. You both sense it, not all bad. get it out, and be done. Don't do it anywhere near her. Goose egg on the expectations. I'm stopping today on those, I AINT gonna let you pick up where I left off.
Your never alone here. Keep climbing the stairs one step at a time if you slip grab the rail. This board is the rail friend.
BSC I want you to know, that ebb and flow is likely to continue for some time. Just get used to it. Just like the tides. Maybe not as regular, but just as reliable. She will flow in toward you and then distance herself. and you've got to be the rock, the lighthouse that remains fixed whatever the tides do.
Good moring and thanks trapt and SPM for the advice. I got the cry out of me yesterday and was able to put on the happy face when I got home. The W and I are still in the same place. She is being very pleasant but a little distant. Last night was the second night in a row that she made no plans to get away from me. We watched TV together for a while before bed.
This morning was more of the same. She still has been not shy about being naked in front of me after her shower. As I said before, when this started she would cover herself up at all costs. So today is another day, and I will work on PMA and prepare for the weekend. My gut feeling(which has been incredibly correct lately) is that she is going to push hard back when she goes out with her friends, so I am getting prepared now for it.
I still do not call her during the day or text her unless she does first, I act completely as if when she tells me she is doing something or going somewhere. But I know I need to do a better job at some 180's. I have always taken care of her so it is hard to break that. For instance, when she gets home from the gym in the morning, I still make her breakfast sometimes. Is this something I should stop doing? If she needs something from the store I will stop on the way home from work if she asks. Is this something I should stop also?
To me, not doing some of that stuff seems spiteful. And I don't want to act out of spite. I love her and have no problem doing those things. I have already told her that she needs to start paying her cell phone bill(due to going over minutes talking to OM) and also the heat bills(since we are now heating the house more for her new bedroom). She starts working again next week. Things are in an okay pattern right now and I don't want to push to much, but also don't want to stop the momentum.
I hope you all have a great day.
Married 10/12/2002 Me 35 Ring On Her 29 Ring Off D 4 S 2 Don't know if I am in love with you 10/7/08 Kinda Separated 10/7/08 EA/OM 6/6/08
my current thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1623276&page=1&fpart=4
What you are going through right now is exactly what I am gong through! She is being very friendly and pleasant, we actually went to the mall together and she helped me pick out a shirt for a wedding this weekend. We got home and she let me give her a leg rub like the old days( it helps with an old injury), then made the comment isn't it weird that you are giving me a leg rub and I want to divorce you and stated further i want us to be friends. the next day she called me saying i don't want you to think because we are getting along we are getting back together. (the roller coaster)
Talking to you guys helped because i expected this from your experiences. The point is that you are being consistent and I know that for me it seems to be working in that she avoided me before and is now calling me and like you, not avoiding being naked. I guess her mind is relaxed because of not talking about R. Don't get me wrong she still brings up the D word and has gotten her own bank account etc. but she hasn't pushed to see a lawyer or real estate agent.
Keep the Faith,
Jeff
ME 44 W 32 M 5 T 6
no kids
June 08 I don't want to be married it's not you it's me
What you are going through right now is exactly what I am gong through! She is being very friendly and pleasant, we actually went to the mall together and she helped me pick out a shirt for a wedding this weekend. We got home and she let me give her a leg rub like the old days( it helps with an old injury), then made the comment isn't it weird that you are giving me a leg rub and I want to divorce you and stated further i want us to be friends. the next day she called me saying i don't want you to think because we are getting along we are getting back together. (the roller coaster)
Talking to you guys helped because i expected this from your experiences. The point is that you are being consistent and I know that for me it seems to be working in that she avoided me before and is now calling me and like you, not avoiding being naked. I guess her mind is relaxed because of not talking about R. Don't get me wrong she still brings up the D word and has gotten her own bank account etc. but she hasn't pushed to see a lawyer or real estate agent.
Keep the Faith,
Jeff
ME 44 W 32 M 5 T 6
no kids
June 08 I don't want to be married it's not you it's me
I think the pleasantness makes it harder sometimes. We want more that anything the stability back for our peace of mind but for now we need to suck it up. Luckily mine does not use the D word and hopefully never will.
She goes to see her therapist next week for the second time, and that always scares me. I worry that she is going to come home and drop the D bomb or tell me that she is having PA. So I am working every day to prepare myself for the worst and take care of me.
Stay strong Jeff and we will all help each other.
Married 10/12/2002 Me 35 Ring On Her 29 Ring Off D 4 S 2 Don't know if I am in love with you 10/7/08 Kinda Separated 10/7/08 EA/OM 6/6/08
my current thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1623276&page=1&fpart=4
one day at I time. BSC go with your gut as far as doing things for her. You know her better than anyone else. If things are calm I wouldn't rock the boat.
Another day in the trenches, we WILL still be standing at the end of it.
and that always scares me. I worry that she is going to come home and drop the D bomb or tell me that she is having PA. So I am working every day to prepare myself for the worst and take care of me.
Something that might make it less scary, though no more palatable, is to sit and really think what life would be like if you were divorced. or What would life be like if you discovered she had a PA. Takes the scary away. I'm not suggesting that you do this in order to move in that direction, but only to feel more prepared should it be necessary.
Some people are concerned about walking alone at night in a city. So on the way to walking to their car, they'll hold their keys in their hands. or maybe keep some mace in their purse. It doesn't mean they want to be attacked, but they have considered the possibility and taken some steps to prepare.
Or life insurance - I don't wanna die, but it's a possibility, so I have insurance for myself, so that the people that depend on me will be ok if I disappear. Preparing or thinking about that possibility doesn't mean I welcome it or want it.
Same thing here. Maybe you could think about it and just get comfortable with what it would look like. When I did this - envisioned a life divorced from my wife - I wrote it all down. I analyzed it in different ways. What would it look like emotionally, logistically, financially? What would be the impact on me, the kids, on her, on my extended family. I came away convinced that I was against divorce for good reasons. I felt calmer about the "D bomb", but still sad, if you know what I mean.
