Trapt, I'm sorry to hear that your W is spewing negativity at you. The thing I always like to think about in sitches like that is, "Be like Teflon." It is rarely about you, unless you have been fanning the flames somehow. If there is truth to any of her criticisms, acknowledge it and apologize and if appropriate, say what you will do to avoid a repeat of whatever it is. If there is no truth to any of it, just her anger spraying everywhere...be Teflon, baby!
Don't try to argue with her or defend yourself or make excuses; it's just gasoline on the fire. I think you already know this, but it's always helpful to be reminded of these things that don't come naturally. My goal in dealing with my illogical, unreasonable MLCer is to give him NOTHING that a reasonable person in his position could object to about me (never mind that a reasonable person wouldn't BE in his position). These days he mostly (hey, I'm not perfect yet!) has to resort to utter absurdities to criticize me (on the order of "you serve peas with dinner at least once a year," as One Day got from her H as a reason for moving out).
I think that easy button is probably located in the same place as Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.
I found out the hard way that you have to be very careful who you talk to about your sitch. Most people in RL will NOT support your DB efforts, because they care about you and think the surgical severing of the M will allow you to feel better faster. Nope, doesn't work that way, sorry. You have to pray (if that is your inclination) and seek the answers from God and/or that calm center from which you will have clarity of mind and purpose. Know what you are doing and why, and other people's opinions (and your WA's attempts to yank your chain) won't push you around. Sometimes it takes a while to get to that place of deep knowledge of what you must do, but when you do, it's sort of like hitting a tuning fork in your perfect key. You feel the rightness of it all the way to your bones. Keep your eye on that long-term goal, and don't let the daily squalls push you off course.
This is a battle, a storm. You win through to the other side by being the stable rock, providing support and shelter, but standing firm for what's right.
Do you have a pastor or other spiritual advisor available to you? I would urge you to find a source of at least occasional support and encouragement in RL. Do you have any friends who truly believe in lifelong M? I have been blessed to have a pastor who counseled me, and several dear friends who have encouraged me in standing for my M (all are people of faith, and are all M themselves), and who have helped me stand up again when I was so beaten down by the sitch that I wanted to die. One of the reasons that I am alive today, besides the Big Guy Upstairs, is that these friends didn't give up on me; they walked through the valley beside me, and guided me when I couldn't see the path. Who among your friends and relatives is the closest person to God (or whatever name one might give one's higher power) that you know? Is that person in a position to provide a sounding board for you? Do you have an IC?
Take care of yourself.
Blessings and peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
T, I decided to respond to this message separately from your latest one.
Originally Posted By: trapt
Hey Dawn,
It's nice to hear from you. I'm sorry about your father, that had to be extremely tough. I know you feel about the depression. I recently started taking an AD myself. My sitch got the best of me for a while. I suffered for a while (denial) with lack of sleep and anxiety.
You coming here and fighting for your M and helping others says a ton about who you really are. Be proud of that!!
T, That's such a nice thing for you to say! Thank you!
Of course, I think I'm just a bossy boots who thinks that if everyone did things the way she said to, the world would be a much better place!)
I didn't sleep for two weeks after the bomb, and my sleep patterns are still screwed up a year later. I developed a tremor that I eventually figured out was from the lack of sleep, which was a great relief, as I had thought I might have to change careers, since a tremor is nearly fatal to a calligrapher.
Originally Posted By: trapt
It's hard to block the negativity that creeps in but I've found if I catch myself in the act and start to replace it with something positive it works. Seems a bit strange to do at first, but do it enough, just like Dbing it will become a habit that you won't even think about doing.
It's great to hear that your self esteem is better. You sound like a very caring person who is (like we all here are) learning about yourself and becoming a better.
Life is nothing but choices - who we act and react, how we treat others and ourselves, who we are, who we to be, how we view ourselves and others, the list is endless. Don't take this the wrong way. I know you have had it tough and I'm not trying to minimze that in any way. Life may never be the party that we hoped for but we can still choose to keep dancing.
Take care of you. Treat yourself to something special and feel good about it. You deserve it.
God Bless. T
Okay, I'm falling asleep at the keyboard, and I'll have to check back with you later. I want to thank you for all of your kindness! Take care of yourself!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Thank you for the reminder on defending and making excuses. I have been doing this in a nice, calm way, but gasoline for her fire is the same no matter how you put it. Thank you for catching on to this!! I didn't see it right away. I'll pay you a visit soon.
I don't know if I screwed up or not but I said (in a nice way): Do you realize what I'm trying to do for you. I've got you a very nice gift and I'm doing my best. Listen I know your hurting and stressed.(she has said this to me recently) Why have you been nasty to me for so long? Maybe when you get a minute you should sit down and ask yourself this.
You screwed up. In a nice way. Guilt gets you no where.
Old Timers, give trapt some of your attention please.
Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 10/29/0804:18 PM.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I feel as though I need to set boundaries to this amount of disrespect. Love and respect go hand in hand. I know a doormat is not attractive to any women. I guess I am having trouble with this. On one hand I want to show her kindness but I also want to be respected or should I say disrespected a lot less.
I know she going through a ton of emotions, but it seems like she will twist things up and find fault with me no matter what. So it's a lose/lose sitch.
Well, I have unitl about 8:30 tonight to decide how to handle this.
