*He actually went out and bought a car seat for D, he has one for S but always just borrows mine for D. He called me from the store to tell me he was buying one and ask her weight. I told him and then said it was good he was buying a seat for D as he was going to need one. (Meaning: since you will have our kids half the time you need your own stuff) Of course H backpedaled around that one, and said something about how it will be easier on nights I have stuff going on for him to get the kids now (You had to be there I think but he said it more in a "us together" way....)
well from my personal experience when Kim started the carpet bombing a second time..I went and bought a car seat. It's the first thing I did. I bought one becasue I did not want to go into ther car anymore. She made it perfectly clear we were done. So that's what I did. I'll be back in a bot. I have more to post.work calls.
Thanks, K. I am just torn, if he weren't here, I would maybe be able to think more clearly...but how would the kids view me "kicking dad out"? And our Halloween is in 2 days, do I want S thinking of the night Dad left every Halloween?
AND we just had another interesting round of texting:
Me: Sorry I was a grump this morning I am tired from Gigi (our d's nickname) being up all night and clinging to my leg this morning while I tried to make S's cakes for school. (Halloween party today and I am ROOM MOM)
H: Yeah I understand. She feels like crap and there was no comforting her and she did her best to make the evening miserable for Nate (last night).
Me: If she doesn't chipper up my mom can watch her while you carve Nate's pumpkin tonight.
H: She will be ok just needs meds for her ear
Am I crazy or was that actually a sane conversation involving understanding and problem solving.............again that is not what I am used to and for some reason it is throwing me off...
*H said he wanted the kids all 3 nights this week that I am busy, said "I want to have them while I can". I said something about how we need to get comfortable with it that way, and he said, "No, I meant since I know I travel next week I want to spend time with the kids when I am not traveling". Again, hard to explain, but any time I made an observation (no emotion!) about how things will be 'going forward', he tried to duck/dodge/backpedal...
*WTF is going on? He is sleeping downstairs by choice, he is the one who said last week he wanted a D and he has said nothing about NOT wanting a D....
Kim did the same for months. She played nice to make things easier for her.
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*He DID mention the night I went to the lawyer (last Wed.) that if he had to get the house on his own he may have to live in our current house a while longer...is that what he is doing?
yes, I think so. I basically did the same for months so I could get my place ready and spend as much time as possible with Caleigh...Please remember BBJ I was an LBS in the same house with a WAW..then the roles reversed and I basically went WAH on her. It's not what I wanted but it is what it is.
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Last night after I got home I sat on the couch to relax before bed (was at school from 8 am to 9 pm b/c of conferences). H sat on the other couch, talked to me, chit chatted, etc. like things were fine. No problem being my "friend", just no touching or ILY (I haven't done EITHER myself since the night he said 'I hate you', even though he says he didn't mean that I haven't touched him since)
I am just getting so frustrated. I KNOW from prior experience that if I force the issue and start any kind of R talk, he will jump into his "Yes, we are getting a D, this is just how it is, but I want to be friend for the kids" or some such crap.
However, this "being friends, living in the same house" thing is driving me crazy. It is like having your house full of yummy food on a diet. What is the point of having it there all the time if you can't touch it? Not the best example but I hope you get what I mean. Hanging out joking with H will only lead to me having expectations/hopes, I know myself well enough to admit that. And I don't want to have expectations/hopes b/c I know I will be disappointed that much more when he suddenly decides it is time, and moves out
that's why I think you just need to go ahead, let go , detach. Even if he is in the same house. Act 'as if" you're ok with him being there and spending time with the kids and playing house. As long as he observes the boundaries in place, ie. OW...hell, take a break, let him clean the frinkin house for a while..
So basically, part of me says, we are getting along well, we are sharing the responsibilities like we haven't done EVER since the kids were born. The other part says, he is just biding his time until he is ready to leave and by then I will have "expectations" again and be more upset, he should leave NOW...
Last night H cleaned up the whole kitchen from the pumpkin carving while I stood there talking to him. He even cleaned the sink itself. I had put on a roast and vegetables in the crock pot so it would be cooked for me to take to lunch the rest of the week. H wasn't planning to eat it, but he got it all out of the pot, wrapped it up, put it away....normally he doesn't even put his own plate in the dishwasher!
Also he hates pumkin seeds, no one eats them except me. And yet when I got home at 9 pm, he was in the kitchen, sifting the pumkin seeds out of the bowl of pumkin "guts". He spent almost 15 minutes washing them, cleaning them off, rinsing them again, etc. I asked why he was doing that, he said "Because I knew you would want them."
Maybe I am understanding what it says in the DB/DR books, about how when WE start 'doing something different', our spouses often react with anger/confusion. That is how I feel today.
H,
WTF are you cleaning up around the house NOW? Why are you wanting to take care of our children NOW? Why are you doing nice little things for me NOW?
Is it b/c you want to be nice, or b/c you want me to go easy on you with my Lawyer??????/
he's playing nice..if I did not know better then I would think he is DB'ing you. I also see some role reversal. He was a WAH and now that you have let him know you can't continue on this path he may now feel a little like a LBS and that you may be walking away..
can you go on with him in the house?? Can you continue on like this?? Dan will hang in for as long as he can I think, until it's unbearable I think..of course it does not have to be unbearable..patience and understanding go a long way.
BBJ, Here's a 180 on getting your D to bed without the drama. Our oldest wouldn't go to bed w/o a whole hour plus of pre-bedtime ritual then the whole crying in the crib bit. We went out for New Years Eve left him with the babysitter, we prepped her on how hard he was to get to sleep and just laughed to ourselves on how she was going to earn her money tonight. We came home expecting to her a horror story, she no he was fine I just put him in bed at bedtime and he went right to sleep. WTF!? We were dealing with marathon bedtimes for 15 months and she just puts him the crib and poof he goes to sleep. Well the gig was up on him after that, we just got him ready like normal and put him to bed at the same time. No problems after that. It took the baby-sitter to show us (the toddler whipserer). Worth a shot. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
If it's easier on you to have him there (especially because of the Halloween thing for the kids), and you can somehow curtail your expectations then just GAL while he's in the house like in the beginning.
As Kalni pointed out though, you've already been through all this and now he's getting time with the kids, family time, a roof over his head, his parents approval and absolutely NO Pressure to "Do Work" on your M. Just how he likes it.
Personally, every time he went to sleep on the couch would be like a new stab in my heart. I'm pretty emotional though. I'm not sure how I'd be able to keep up the pma, but I didn't have to. We were separated (for work) before my H turned into a cheating, lying,(etc. etc.) mess so I had a lot of advantages from my POV. He had to convince me to come to him. Of course, you've BTDT too..........
Hmmm, the lawyer and your actions may have been the wake up call? I guess, since HE said "we need to talk", you may as well hear what he has to say. No expectations sweetie. I know he's going to figure out he made the biggest mistake of his life if he goes down this path, but I'm not convinced he's figured it out this quickly.
How's that for no help at all! ((((BobbiJo))) still with ya fwiw.
I see it pretty much the same as Deuxlie. He is trying to establish a new relationship between you, one that is not husband/wife. But I'm not good at mind-reading. So I am looking forward to hearing what he says in the upcoming discussion. You learned communication skills in Retro. There is no reason not to use them even if you not going to heal the marriage.
I don't know. Of course, it is pretty hard to tell from here, but I am not completely convinced that he is done. It felt to me that he really was thinking about not being there next week, so he was taken aback a bit by your "assumptions". But, on the other hand, he is the one that said he hated you. He is hard to figure, isn't he?
By the way, ear infections are just about the worst, aren't they! I hope your little one feels better soon!
I also see some role reversal. He was a WAH and now that you have let him know you can't continue on this path he may now feel a little like a LBS and that you may be walking away..