the wife also proposed that communication between us be restored for the purposes of parenting. I found out in the mediation meeting that my son had 2 detentions at school last week, and one suspension. I have no idea what this was about. The mediator was astounded that I did not know, and very dismayed that my wife did not inform me. In any case, the restrictions on me from the so-called "protection order" (not really for protection at all, it is really just a terrorist weapon in the war, just a weapon used to instill fear in the other side) will ALL be rescinded if I accept her proposal. ALL rescinded.
In February, she asked the court to keep me away from the kids (zero contact) for 12 years, and in October she is proposing that all the restrictions to be removed. Does that make sense?
And, I forgot to comment on the state of my spirit.
as I exited that mediation hearing, having had the chance to rationally think about all that has transpired over the past couple years since I found out about the OM, the loss of my house, the loss of free contact with my own kids (soon to be restored), I looked in my heart and found little warmth for my wife. I am here on this forum because I wanted to bust this divorce, but it looks like the divorce will go through. I don't feel like I failed, because as Atticus says to Scout in To Kill a Mockingbird, the success is in the trying. (something like that)
I still have compassion for her. I don't envy her position. I think she has a hard path ahead. I am not joyful about it. I am not happy that the mother of my children is about to get a much more difficult life. Well I am, and I'm not, if you know what I mean. But the troubling thing is I don't want her back.
That feels like sort of a disloyal thing to say here on the DB forums, but it's the truth. At the same time, I know that the road is long, and I know the feelings I have at this moment will change. Last night as I got ready for bed, and this morning when I awoke, I prayed for guidance and wisdom on this. Show me the way. I never want to lose compassion, but I have lost all manner of romantic love for her.
My counselor (a man), cautioned me. After hearing my story, he said he fully expected her to come back to me. Not immediately, but sometime. She will have a rent payment, a job, bills to pay on her own. He told me he would be surprised if she did not come back. And he cautioned me to prepare myself so that I can say NO. He said I continued to accept her, even when her behavior was unacceptable. He said I proved myself reliable in that regard, and that I have trained her well: whatever she did, I took her back. But that obviously hasn't worked, and he wants me to keep control of myself and be strong enough to NOT do it in the future.
If it should happen as he expects, and I want to take her back, he recommended at least 1 YEAR in individual and couples therapy before we get back together in the same house.
Most people who know where I am think I am crazy for "standing" for this marriage. There are some people who are like me - sort of fundamentalist believers in the sacredness of marriage. I don't mean that in a strict churchy sense, but more along the lines of the importance of marriage as an institution - so important that it becomes sacred . The importance of life-long fidelity and commitment and keeping promises and working hard to stay together. And those people even, those fundamentalists, are questioning my stand for this marriage.
It makes me think.
But I will not take action on all that stuff now. I will focus on me, on the kids, on a new life. We'll see how I feel in a few months' time.
