Trying2Live-Post #3

[Trying2live]

No I think you did fine and I'm really glad you waited to respond. Perfect! Next goal longer, maybe 6 hours, or the next day.
It's not mean but he needs to feel a little of what a D would be like, he would no access to leaning on you at all so its good practice. In addition if you were D he would not have access to texting you are calling you. Plus it looks like your still living which I think puzzles them, how dare we continue to live and have fun and invest in ourselves when we should be miserable and dying with out them. NOPE! Sorry that isn't what hooked them and that's not going to get them back.

You were just being honest and that just is what it is, and you did say you were sorry.

He needs to figure it out and be resourceful and not place that additional burden on you.

[faithrunner]

Hi ladies! I'm sorry I zoned for a couple days, been fighting a sinus infection for a month that came back over the weekend. Ugh!

I am so proud of all of you. All-don't be upset about your R talk. You're a human being! Plus, I think you got some major clues about what your H is looking for in you. I would do a 180 and get into LRT mode. JJ has a great description of LRT on this board. I read it all the time. GAL will be good for you, and it sounds like your H finds that attractive about you.

Hope, I am so impressed by the strength of your girls. They stand up for themselves so beautifully, no doubt that quality comes from you. And, you are a champ with your committment to the gym:) You could have gotten needy and looked for reassurance from H after last week, but you HAVEN'T! Good for you!!!

Marisol, I read one of your posts from this weekend and it gave me goosebumps. I pray that exact prayer for OW. Those same words. I want to spread God's goodness evenly and it would feel wrong for me to ignore the other person. And, despite your hurt, you can neutrally reach out to and ask him to call your D. That was grace, for sure.

T2L, I took my first salsa class tonight!! Even though my head was booming, I forced myself to go and I absolutely loved it! H had offered to watch the kids tonight and I changed my plans yesterday, just to keep him on his toes. Last night, he offered to come this morning and take the kids to school early enough so I could run before work. I responded, thanks, but he wouldn't be here early enough for me to run and no big deal since I would be dancing tonight. He came back a couple minutes later and offered to come even earlier, and would that enable me to run? I said sure, that would be great, thanks. I was surprised by that.

When I got home tonight, I gave myself a pep talk in the car not to get needy because I'd seen positive from him this morning. But, I was bummed that he seemed genuinely happy for me about the dance class. I just said I had a blast and left it at that. I guess I wanted to see him a little jealous.

I have to tell you guys something I thought was funny from the weekend. I was in the car and on the radio was "You dropped a bomb on me" by Gap Band. The next song was by Rod Stewart, " When the one you love's in love with someone else." I thought, who the heck planned that! Thanks a lot! It made me laugh. What are the chances?

Thanks for the reminder, I need to laugh more in his presence. I've been doing a better job stating my preferences, either for family activities, my own stuff, kid decisions.

[hope3343]

Well here I am -- screwed it up again. I do well for days and then boom -- off I go.

I have been detaching as you know. Today he sent an e-mail about D's car bill. I answered saying it was $250 less than we thought. So then H sends another e-mail asking how to get money from his savings plan. He has been blowing money and I start getting aggravated because he will now drain this acct and then ask for a D just because he will need another financial supposed windfall.

I leave work and my tire is almost flat (was it OW??), but I have flat fix container in my car and fill it up and then have to go and buy tires at Walmart that I have been putting off. So I have to kill a couple of hours. My D15 is sick home alone, I am spending money that I don't have and I am thinking about H and OW carrying on at work -- almost in tears.
So what happens my phone rings and it is H. I pick up - bad move. So H asks what is wrong by the tone of my voice. I said nothing -- then i start to cry...I say i am so overwhelmed and sad with our situation. D15 is mad, she is home sick, tires, you and OW. I said I have been working on myself and going out and doing things for myself but I miss you but as long as you are going out with OW we have no chance. So H says that is not the reason, our M was bad, I was not happy and I left for me. I said you left 40% for me and 60% for OW. H says no. Why did I agrue with that when I know he is so up in the fog, why why.

I said that I feel like I am failing my D15 by not standing up for myself ethically and turning both H and OW in at work. I want my D15 to know there is accountability. So H says you want to turn us in for spite because it is all about you. I say yes, that's right for spite and for me so then me and D will be in financial ruin. H says nothing when I put it that way. I said I am sick of coming into work and having to deal with this everyday. I want to get rid of OW so bad that you might fall with her.
Then we talk about R...I said I know we can still work on this M. We have 21 years invested and you have 4 months with OW and she is calling all the shots. H said no, it is not like I think. So I said that is why I have 7 pages in one month of calls to OW at all times of the day (still trying to proof it for what).
I said the door is still open for now, and that it is the right thing to do to work on our M for me and him and for our 2 girls. I know we could make this M thrive. H listened but of course I know he does not believe it. H said he feels bad for me (did I want to punch him)
I do have to say I did not beg or do guilt. The only thing I said that reached him is that I said me and D have started to leave the porch light on for you. We feel you are lost and you can look for the light to find your way home. He started to choke up.
We talked almost an hour. The only other impact I made was I mentioned that I had 2 parties at the house -- H said was it work people? I said no and he said who was it -- and I said friends you do not know - recent friends - and he starts asking what they thought about the house and the yard (he always took pride in our new house), so he was interested in that.

Well now I know he hung up the phone with me and told OW that I want him back bad. Yes they are probably laughing at me. I know everytime I talk OW -- it makes them hide more and talk R - it confirms to H that moving out was the right thing to do.

Now tomorrow I have to go to meeting with him. Need to pick an outfit out. Time to pick myself up and move on.
This is hard.
Will respond to other posts later. Glad you are all doing better than me.

T2L, also I did post the conflict of interest in OW's office and added her initial's on top. Close as I can get without going into HR.

take care all and God bless

[AllW8SBF]

Good Morning Ladies,
Well Marisol you give me a flutter of hope that I can do this. Hope I can completely get where your coming from and you at least did better than I when I broke.
Today is the day we all look in the mirror and tell our selves.

I'm going to retrain my brain to focus on the positive, not the negative.

I am STRONG and can handle whatever life throws my way - Hey you girls have gone through child birth, these men can't handle a bump without running for cover.

I choose to love and appreciate myself - yes it's a choice, you want to waddle in his crap or choose to treat yourself like you deserve!

I can make healthy choices. - In people, food, activities.

And here is the big one - I FORGIVE my flaws and celebrate my STRENGTHS. I mean for peat sakes we are willing to forgive these men for their WRONGS but what about us, we get down on ourselves for failing our daughters, ourselves, our marriage. We are human and we have a moment of weakness, we just need to say ok I'm sorry I did that to myself I'm going to make up for it and start the next moment positively.


OK so maybe I can say that because yesterday was a somewhat pleasant day for me. I got a Halloween costume - Red Riding Hood. I'm going to a hockey game with H on Friday and told him I'm dressing up and then I didn't know this till yesterday but Saturday I have plans - I'm going to a Halloween party with my sister and her friends so I have another reason to dress up.
And I did my thing yesterday, he did his, afterwards he came down to talk to me about what's going on with him.
OK get this, remember T2L you said to change the subject when he talks about OW - well you also know he's trying to find OW, he's got personal ads out. Well he says to me hypothetically, he has a friend who had called a Woman who it took a week for her to call him back, and she apologized and they could schedule something this weekend. She said we'll probably talk sometime between Last Friday and this Saturday and we'll figure out what to do then. Well hasn't heard from her, so this "friend" called this woman and left a message about setting up this weekend. Well H wanted to know what he should tell his "friend" to do if she doesn't call. How long he should would for the call? and that stuff.
Once again he needs me to talk to about this stuff. He just starts talking and tells me everything. What is with this guy?

Well he said his "friend" is a little upset that he may waste a Saturday because this woman hasn't called. And I'm thinking all this time...ahhhh that's too bad, I'll be busy

Hey can I ask, can we use this forum to rant about what their doing even though at least I'm going to have the mind set that I'm GAL and just need a place to unload this crap they spew so it's out of us, not poisoning our system of goodness to ourselves? Does that make sense?

Oh can some one pm me/ email me whatever the link to this thread you were talking about LRT? And T2L what was that info you were talking about nature...? I don't think I saw that, and I'd be interested in it.

T2L your right I don't want him to think I'm moving on, but it's the balance of him not thinking I'm doing this for him. But I guess it's getting it through that it's for me - not him, AND not for Anyone else. And then also it's hard because he asks me all sorts of questions, and he talks to me ALL the time, so changing the subject, or walking away doesn't work very well. And I'm afraid to use your "Your funny" walk away technique because I feel like he's going to think that well he's crazy, I'm diminishing he thoughts or actions. Which that's one of the problems I'm trying to avoid, him thinking I'm just avoiding - cause that is what I do and one of his problems with me.
And I the mistake of letting him think i'm moving on cause I through a hypothetical question at him like he did me, and said well what's too soon to return a call after the first call. So he said oh someone met someone at the bar. And I let him believe that. ARGHHHH! Bad idea. But he should know I'd never just go find someone, it takes time to get over, and I'd talk to someone just to get to be friends with more people.

Thanks, off to do some work.

[faithrunner]

All, The LRT letter that JJ wrote is in the "Staying Solution Focused" forum.. Click on the LRT folder and it is the thread started by Jamesjohn, right near the top of the list. And, I think that's exactly what we should be doing on this thread, venting and supporting so that we stay on track. Let it out about H and OW with us, hopefully it will lighten our load a bit. I do think it's interesting that your H tells you all this stuff. It's like they want to confide but don't want the rest of the relationship. I think it's a small hole in their fog. He knows deep down what he has with you.

Hope, I think you might have made a small breakthrough with your H. He got choked up with your reference to the porch light. You hit a nerve there. So I don't think he and OW laughed at you after the phone call. I bet he didn't tell her a thing because you reached his heart, albeit for a short time. I think you need to be proud of yourself for this interaction. You displayed enormous self control and strength. That's nothing to laugh at.

We need to create a little journal of all the positives we give eachother. T2L's loads and loads of positive tips and All's list above just to reread and remind ourselves. I know that I have been tired and feeling weary this week and it helps a lot to go back and refresh my memory.

So here's what I need help with. Why does my H always ask me "if we're ok", meaning in friend-land. He just called me and said "Hey, I'm sorry if this is annoying. I just want to make sure-we're cool? Everything is ok?" I laugh and say yeah it's great and then quickly change the subject to the kids. He has asked me every day since last Friday. WTF? Also, today he's going to take a 1/2 day and coming to meet me at the house around 2, he says so we can get the kids early and play with them. Why all the effort? I get a little nervous b/c I hear an alarm bell go off in my mind telling me it's time to pull back a little.

Any suggestions for how to perfect the act as if he's losing me technique? He always initiates phone calls and emails, so I'm set there. I'm looking for tips when we interact in person (which is all the time!). Should I sit and chat or bop around the house more? Stuff like that.
Thanks in advance!

[Trying2live]

To everyone VENT AWAY! That's what this is here for and the great thing is as we vent, others can hear at times more clearly whats going on from the outside. There is NEVER any condemnation to anyone no matter how bad they think they blew it. We have all blown it so no worries. Transparency is welcome here!

Faith, Hmmm, its interesting that H wants to spend time, maybe you 180 and GAL'ing are making him wonder. I would accept the invitation and maybe deny the next because you GAL'ing. ITs kinda like not answering every call or text. Is he in an A right now? we don't necessarily want them to feel like they are LOSING you just that with or without them you are gonna start living life, does that make sense. That you are so living life that you are doing really neat GAL'ing things, not answering every call, running out as they are running in, but yet from time to time we answer the call or accept invitations.

If you go, which sounds fine, don't worry how to act. I used to do this and it made things worse for me cuz I used to just freak out,then my Pastor gave a message on Intimidation and god kinda moved on my heart and I realized I have been doing that my whole life and that enough is enough. When I started Plan A on Oct 3rd from the SAA book I told my self thats it , when I see him next I'm going to look him dead in the eyes and smile and be my cute lil normal self and I did it. And everytime I interact w/H now I purpose in my heart to look him in the eyes and just be my self. So how should you act? Relaxed, enjoy your kids, laugh and just BE YOURSELF.
Is he in the A right now?

[Trying2live]

ALLW8,
Yes! I am so glad you got dressed and went to a party. Very Confident and GAL.

Remember this is about you, go to those dance classes again, reach out and find new friends. Yes we can use the forum for anything I would think, rant away.

I just don't like the fact that he uses you for a dumping ground or thinks that it is acceptable behavior to talk with you about OW unless you have both decided that you don't want the M. I'm not sure what to think about that.

If you want the marriage, hmmm, maybe tell him 1 time, either personally or (i like better) in a card, that you would like to restore the marriage and that you would rather not discuss the online dates or any other women to you as it is hurtful. Then do not discuss the relationship again and don't do anything that says you are dating. Then focus on you. I hate to sound like a broken record but I can't get away from this so I truly feel like this is what God is kinda moving you into a season of. Does that make sense?
Its a season for you to finally come into confidence and strength, and hopefully your place of pain will become your place of reign and your going to be able to help other women get to that place and your going to know how to tell them how to get there because you've done it and your gonna know what it takes to become a women of confidence. Concentrate on you, go back to the dance class and keep pushing forward. Remember confidence is attractive.

[hope3343]

Hey T2L, what about me...any words of wisdom for the screw up (did you see my post)??? I am such a repeat offender. I wish you pastor is my pastor. He seems very wise.
I am a little better today. D15 is home sick and she said do not have dad call me at all. This is going to be a long haul.

[Trying2live]

Hello Hope,
How are you doing today? I'm hoping you forgave yourself quickly and are ready to go again. Yesterday is gone so none of us need to drag it along with us all day, month or week long. Ok so ready everyone, cast of yesterday{{thud}} ahhhhh feels so much better doesn't it. The bible says that God gives us new mercies every morning and we have grace available to us everyday, so just know, that no matter what mistakes we made yesterday God loves us unconditionally and is pleased with us and we don't need to be perfect or work for that love from Him, its the free gift of God through Christ. Ok there's your devotional for today LOL.

I really say that because you can't look to the future with focus while looking at the past. Your focus needs to be in 1 direction.

So hope, I like the conflict of interest thing! Whoot Whoot!

I'm really impressed with your ability to continue with your yoga and weight lifting, say this with me everyone, weight lifting is our friend LOL. You didn't allow the circumstance to stop you and that's impressive. You go girl 30 pounds-very nice keep up the good work that's a huge accomplishment!

Ok lets get to work. Yes H is in the FOG. They all are. Print this out and put it in your bathroom and look at it until you fully expect fog talk and reasoning and are able to brush it off. You see what helps me is I DO NOT EXPECT anything from H so I don't get as upset and its like water off a ducks back. Its like expecting a dog to meow or a cat to bark, that would be insane right, well it kinda is to have expectations from our H while in the fog. This fog takes a bit to lift. So do your self a favor(everyone) and don't have expectations. You will be the only ones getting let down.
So hope I feel your H knows exactly how you feel about your marriage. H knows you want reconciliation of your marriage. I want you to the best of your ability to not discuss the relationship anymore. I know how hard this is, i still wanna do it daily, but i don't. I know my H knows I want him back. They know this. When we do this it puts us in a begging and grovelling light and it is not confident. Does that make sense? The OW are not doing this, they are not trying to convince our H's of the relationship. So they appear to be the confident one. Plus imagine this, the second they see our H, they are happy, cheerful, playful, confident, adventurous, they prob have a life and are doing things, do you see the image you are competing with.
Now when they see us, and of course we have every right, but what they see is sadness, seriousness, reasoning, convincing, crying, misery, guilt, so can you see why they may not want to be around much? Now by no means do I think you don't have that right because you do. Look what they have done. But i say this to women who are standing and fighting for their marriages so I say that to help you accomplish what it is you want. I assume everyone here wants there marriage so I will be just a bit tough and push you because I want you to have your marriages too.

So how many of you can implement that new image? Really, that's who you were before all of this anyways wasn't it? You just need to find yourself again. I know I used to say, I feel like a part of me has died how do I get back to that cheerful person I once was. WEll guess what I found helped GAL'ing, and that's why I push you all so much and i won't let up.

So Hope from today forward, NO more relationship talking ok my friend. And if you think that H and OW are talking about you then don't give em more ammunition. when you are ready to burst or you just gotta rant to him smile and RUNNNNN. LOL Then give me a jingle if you need to !

Negative emotions between you and H need to be reduced. Sweetly be unavailable again, can you do that? This is more to get you to a better place. May need to do this for a few weeks limiting contact in all ways to him.
One day at a time, today's goal, forgive you self and detach for a few weeks, be very unavailable.
Remember we're all here for you and support you 100%!

[Trying2live]

Just posted my friend! Yes long haul for all of us and only we can decide how long each of us can handle it. It's a personal choice. They say all affairs die a natural death in 6-24 months, but of course there are others that don't fall into that category.

Yes my Pastor is AWESOME!!!! But I am an associate Pastor under him so if you ever need advice I'm here for you in the same way he is here for me.

I wish ya'll on the thread could come out to Southern California for a weekend! We could have so much fun, you all can bring the kiddies too! Let's say we do it someday! I feel like everyone here is a sister all linked by these darn affairs ick ick ick!