Hi G, thanks for stopping by, time for us worked against us after a point and now we need to see how fertile is the environment as you say...
Al, he did say the meanest things before during and after the bomb. I was the meanest person he had met in his life, I ruined his life, I tricked him I was a better person, he felt nothing for me, if it wasnt for the kids he would had left ages ago ect, etc...
A month ago or maybe longer he told me on the phone that all those things were crap and of course he didnt mean a thing. Come to think of that phonecall, it was the first sign he was trying to reach out to me and ever since he has been hesitantly poking me to see how I react. On Firday he said "all the things I rejected, you, our life together, everything, I realised I NEED them to have balance in my life". So, yes, I guess, he did say he didnt mean them.
Why am I not pleased? Well, I am not sure I want him back anymore. I am worried I will be back here in 6 months in the WAW forum. How does that sound? "I am stuck in a moment and cant get out of it", you see "for me it was not jumping, it was a fall, all the way down to nothing at all..." (U2)... I know you are so caught up in "your moment" too, you cant really relate to me right now. I dont feel justified, pleased, satisfied or anything similar. I feel scared, stuck, worried,insecure, in pain, stressed and "blocked".
And "just do it" means do it to finally see if it works cause I cant keep assuming it wont and since I cant walk away I have to proceed. Right now we are talking, he is trying hard to convince me without pressure but everytime I dont allow him to feel we are heading to the right direction. I talk to him with phrases as "if I ever tried with you, we would...", or "right now I am so "cold" I cant even think of you hugging me" or "I am so used of you letting me down and being away I dont want to go back to needing you" ... K
