I know mistrust, fear, residual pain - they are hard to overcome and the desire to overcome them does not easily develop. But I am so happy for you that H seems to have woken up and realized the value of you. Maybe you still have something left to give to your R. If you do, and he gives back consistently, it is amazing how much can grow in that fertile environment.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
Maria, Can I ask you, if you dont mind, did he say mean things at the bomb? Did he say IDLYA or was it an ILYBINILWYA !? You havent mentioned so far (perhaps you havent talked about it yet) whether or not, now that he's decided to come back to you, whether he has retracted those statements? I know you said that he told you he did love you all year and you didnt believe him (I dont blame you!) but did he actually say that he didnt mean the things he said last Sep - Nov ? I'm just interested, in the mind of a WAS.
Today I am struggling with hearing the IDLYA and considering there is someone else, perhaps he really did mean that at the time, or whether its a case of transference of the IL feelings to someone new. So, just curious, especially for you and your sitch whether your H has said that he was sorry for saying those things and how valid they were at the time, on reflection, a year later.
Why are you not excited or pleased that he wants you back, after fighting for him for a year? (from last summer). Can you explain that one? I think I would feel relieved, if yes, wary/cautious, but relieved that it was heading in the right direction after a year of trying. Perhaps thats where I have been going wrong, wanting it too badly instead of detaching and giving up, letting go, as you always told me to do and you did.
Sorry, feeling philisophical today.
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Hi G, thanks for stopping by, time for us worked against us after a point and now we need to see how fertile is the environment as you say...
Al, he did say the meanest things before during and after the bomb. I was the meanest person he had met in his life, I ruined his life, I tricked him I was a better person, he felt nothing for me, if it wasnt for the kids he would had left ages ago ect, etc...
A month ago or maybe longer he told me on the phone that all those things were crap and of course he didnt mean a thing. Come to think of that phonecall, it was the first sign he was trying to reach out to me and ever since he has been hesitantly poking me to see how I react. On Firday he said "all the things I rejected, you, our life together, everything, I realised I NEED them to have balance in my life". So, yes, I guess, he did say he didnt mean them.
Why am I not pleased? Well, I am not sure I want him back anymore. I am worried I will be back here in 6 months in the WAW forum. How does that sound? "I am stuck in a moment and cant get out of it", you see "for me it was not jumping, it was a fall, all the way down to nothing at all..." (U2)... I know you are so caught up in "your moment" too, you cant really relate to me right now. I dont feel justified, pleased, satisfied or anything similar. I feel scared, stuck, worried,insecure, in pain, stressed and "blocked".
And "just do it" means do it to finally see if it works cause I cant keep assuming it wont and since I cant walk away I have to proceed. Right now we are talking, he is trying hard to convince me without pressure but everytime I dont allow him to feel we are heading to the right direction. I talk to him with phrases as "if I ever tried with you, we would...", or "right now I am so "cold" I cant even think of you hugging me" or "I am so used of you letting me down and being away I dont want to go back to needing you" ... K
You will feel better about things as H becomes more and more consistent w/ his behavior. As his changes become more apparent and more lasting, you will feel better.
It is completely fine to be guarded. You've been hurt. He has a LOT to prove and that will take time.
Allow yourself to sit back and observe in the best way that you can. I know your heart is wounded and confused - You know I completely understand your pain.
Remember, time is your friend. Let time work for you now.
Fly by hugs! Sweetie, I know things are going to be difficult for a bit. Your H was a huge jerk and hurt you terribly. He is making strides, though, and in ways that I honestly a few months ago did not think he would ever be capable of doing. We all told you he would regret his actions and come home. You can choose to make him pay for it forever or choose to lead your heart into a future together, raising your children. That does not mean you fall right back into bed, he moves home tomorrow, or he spends the night this weekend. Instead, it means that you spend time together, with and without the kids ESPECIALLY without the kids. You talk, you rediscover each other and the people you have grown up to be, as opposed to the ones you were when you married, and you lead your heart back to love. Because, when you choose to love, the rest of it will fall into place.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Thinking of you all morning. i am home with a sick D today...
I think that I feel a little of what you feel, even though my H hasn't said he wants me back...but I do almost fear that being said b/c then you have to try to figure out how to make it work, how to trust, how to love freely again without being guarded. And what if he hurts you again in 6 months, 1 year, 2 years? What will all the work and time have been for?
I can understand those feelings. And I hear you telling him you aren't sure yet. Maybe if you keep "watching" you will see if he is for "real". Even though he has done so much to hurt you I bet you still feel you know him pretty well, you will be able to tell if he means it, or not, I think...........
I have coffee, it is too late in the day for that for you though, isn't it?
Bbj, I am not worried at all about him hurting me. There is no way he could hurt me again like he did. No way. I am more worried I will leave him in 6 months and hurt my kids or that I will settle in a marriage that will be "empty".
I can see he means what he says. I can see he is trying. I can see he is honest with me.I like the fact that he is telling me what he thinks is right and doesnt just go along with anything I say. It means he is interested to clear things and not go for a quick fixes.
No, it's not late for coffee, it is never late for coffee for me...
Rob, Hon, thanks for hugs and thoughts and advice. I am listening... K
It's hard not to go from LBS to walk away..it's awful easy to make the switch..I'm living proof. Sorry I can't offer much help. I do know where you are now and have an idea what you're feeling and experiencing..for what it's worth..
I'm so sorry you are having to struggle like this but you know you owe it to yourself to try to sort it out. Wouldn't it feel awful to know there might have been an opportunity to grow your M for yourself and your children and you didn't take it?
I'm so proud of how you are handling this. You are such a trooper!!!
Take care of you and watch what your H does. That's all you can do.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Maria, I believe a part of you is excited about moving on and eventually finding someone new that gives a new spark in your life. You are now a WAW just as I have become the WAH. It is so easy to not want them anymore. After all this time you have built up walls of resentment and have focused more on his flaws.
What you need to remember is that marriage is a giant rock tumbler that helps to polish the imperfections of both spouses. Do you feel that your H and you can work together to make a better family? If you were to meet the current version of your H right now, would he be able to sweep you off your feet? Or is he now the whimpy pleading man that no woman would desire?
