NikB #33 Keep on Keepin On...

[NikB]

Jak, Coach, Doc, ST - thanks for visiting!

Jak
So glad you took time for yourself, too! It's important as you reminded me.

I soooo feel like dancing on the table sometimes - love the story about visiting your D and showing her how it's done. This particular bar (ours) is just funny because it's maybe 3.5 feet from the bar top to the ceiling! I need to post video but well.. it was pretty stripper-esque.

Coach and Doc
Y'all are dogs!!! (and.. invited to New Year's if you want... bar-dancer says she's going to be here.. ).

ST
Thanks so much. That's VERY true... adopting and going through all that, OMG. Maybe you're right on my/our "true calling." I forgot to mention most adoption places won't even let you APPLY if you've been separated in the prior 2 years.

With my health... I sorta agree I'm better but the problem lies in that as a kid I had a rare but very severe auto-immune disease starting as a little kid, age 9 or so. So no matter how good I feel as an adult it's still a problem.

I got "lucky" (on a personal level) in that I got the childhood version of it which goes into remission after puberty. However with pregnancy the "permanent remission" goes out the window - I forget the odds but it was a really high chance of either 1. me "relapsing" and H basically ending up with a baby and a totally disabled wife, or 2. me dying in childbirth and H ending up a single Dad. Between those 2 it was a 50% chance I'd be OK vs. one of those scenarios. Not so good odds.

Not to be all depressing.. just saying the actual hormones of me conceiving and then trying to carry a baby.. pretty huge risk.

Just some venting cuz I need to and don't want to go off on H...

Feeling kinda down tonight. I need to think that through more how to address this. H has been acting like a total jacka%% recently. Like saying ILY and snuggling is enough to make up for awful behavior during the day. But I start doubting myself and wondering if it's just me, sometimes.

Just for example... he gets really upset when it's a short day for him because it means basically making no money (he's paid by the job). Which I UNDERSTAND but I mean.. why not catch up on unpaid stuff during that time??

So today, he gets home at about 2 PM. I on the other hand get home at 7... to find out he's been "hanging out," drinking beer, watching porn, watching movies, playing video games - for HOURS - meanwhile expecting me to get home and do the dishes, put the laundry away, mop the floors (from his friend's party!!!), etc. GRRRRRRRRRRRR.

I loved the part where I was in the bar area repotting my plants (that his friend's kid knocked off the counter and broke), washing the glasses, etc. and he said "Hey Babe since you're out there could you bring me a beer?"

He knows I'm pissed because I finally couldn't hide it when I practically threw the beer at the table, but I'm pretty sure he has no idea why. Ugh. My fault. That, of course, shut him down and he's been sleeping on the couch since he got home.

Gotta think some on this whole thing... I haven't vented them all here I don't think but it's weird how many things lately have made ME wanna be the WAW. I just need to get back to focusing on me, I think.