How am I doing? Need some encouragement......

[sandi2]

Hey Sam, how are you (James Bond) doing these days? I know one man here on the board who had a success story and that was his character he looked up to as sort of an inspiration to help him when he felt weak. So, what ever works!

Okay, to reply to a couple of things here:

And now that I am completely head over heels with her again, her feelings couldn't be turned back on like a light switch (like my feelings). She also said that she thought it was a weird coincidence that I became so interested in her all of a sudden now that she's lost weight. I have given this a lot of thought, and I do believe it helped me snap out of it, but I am certain that I have always loved her very much.

Dr. James Dobson, I think, was the one that use to say that men were like microwaves and women were more like crockpots when it came to getting turned on or interested or their feeling revived.....whatever you want to refer to....it all is about the same as far as how we react as differences in the sexes.

I can understand your W's POV to a certain extent. My H always told me he would love me if I gained 300 lbs......but he hoped that I didn't. (lol) He too, would always "wake-up" and show a lot of "interest" in me when I lost weight and got to looking good. It is just human nature. I think that is what your W needs to understand. It is very possible to love another person when their physical appearance is not one of a super model. What if she had been very thin and could not gain weight? A lot of women are in that boat! However, it is simply her own low self esteem talking. To her, she thinks her looks should be so disgusting to anybody.....especially a man finding her sexually attractive when she is over weight.....it is just beyound her comprehension. It is how she sees herself when she looks in the mirror. Those are her feelings talking out loud. So, she gets in an argument with you, but really she is either wanting you to convince her that she is wrong about what she has always believed or she is in an argument with herself. I know that may sound a bit confusing with me playing counselor here, but I am talking from my own experinece as my weight was a yo-yo over my M years. She may even have found that as her last excuse to hang on to as a way of trying to justify her feelings toward you now. It gets pretty deep.

I always KNEW she would feel a lot better if she lost weight, but I couldn't push it too hard, because then I would sound like I was confirming her (untrue) thoughts. Now that she HAS lost the weight, it feels like she doesn't trust the feelings I have always had for her. The bomb hit extra hard because it felt like it hit right when everything started to come together!

That is another reason I think she needs counseling for her weight gain and loss issues. For one....after losing the weight and dressing sexy and then she didn't know how she felt about the men coming on to her or exactly how to handle it......that could be rather scary to some women. Some women even hide behind their weight b/c they don't know how to accept a sexy body. That sounds crazy but it is true. It also can be traced back to something that happened in the early years that make them hide behind weight gain. They feel protected in some ways against men b/c they feel they can't possibly be attractive to them if they are over weight. This is why I think your wife feels so strongly about the fact she doesn't believe you could have loved her when she was that way. I think she subconsciously had a "shield" around her and I think it would take a physchologist to get her out of that way of thinking and be able to accept herself as being an attractive person. Also, he/she could help her accept the fact that you actually could/did love her regardless of the weight, but as nature would have it, you responded to her improved body image when she lost weight. But, again, she needs to realize that it is only human nature to respond to positive changes in anyone's appearance or behavior.

It really broke my heart when you told of her R with her family. I never experienced that with my own (thank God), but I did experience it with my in-laws and it was awful. I was always a person pleaser and I wanted so badly to be accepted by them.....especially my MIL. But that was a hopeless case and it took me over 30 years before I finally realized that I might as well give it up b/c it just wasn't going to happen. When I was finally able to do that, then in a way, it set me free and I did not feel that I had to constantly "prove" myself any longer. I hope your W can reach that point before I did. You can actually become a prisoner to a situation like that.

Back to the "shop thing". I would just show her support when you do go by there or talk to her over the phone or whatever. Ask enough questions to let her know that you are interested, but not prying into her business to see if she is a sinking ship yet.

Sam, I know you men get so tired of hearing us say that it takes a very long time. But it does take a looooong time for that crockpot to start cooking. You just have to be patient and keep showing her your best side. It takes a woman a long time to get back romantic feelings when they are gone. It is not impossible (I hope), but it does take a long time. My hope is based on the story of my own parents and a time my mother went through with my dad. She almost lost complete respect and desire for him b/c of the circumstances they were going through at the time. It was the lowest point of their lives. I remember that time very well. My mother's story is that she mentally reached the realization that she could live her life out in total misery or she could begin to "act as if" she was happy and that she admired her husband and was in love with him. That is what she did......and finally, she reached a point that she was not longer acting as if......b/c it was true feelings. She put her "will" into place and then the feelings followed. Dr. Gary Smalley teaches this and I believe it b/c I saw it happen with her. But, I know by myself that it is the hardest thing I think I have ever done. However, we are creeping along and we will get there.......I am one of thos old crockpots that really take a long time (lol).

Well, I need to get in bed, so you take care and I'll check in on you later.

Sandi