Hey JGrind, look at T2L stich today, she gives some great wonderful advice that really made a difference to me which I applied today.
Also she has not turned into the OOW...if you get my drift. Go read it...It was very encouraging for all of us.
You are making me reconsider Divorce Care if they do encourage reconcillation, I am all for that! I know this will be a long haul. H is in a fog and until it starts to splinter with OW, he will keep up in that fog.
You did great with your H this week. You need to ask..for you that is a 180 for you. That is probably why you ended up with depression...handling it all, never saying no, then you shut down. There is NOTHING wrong with having depression especially since you have recognized it and are dealing with it. Kudos to you.
Also I just asked H to pay for 1/2 of D28 plane ticket for her to come here for Thanksgiving and also 1/2 for D15 initial payment for braces. H said yes to both. Got him at a good time. If H can spend all that money on OW then he can spend some on his own family.
Your right I have some friends and family already encouraging me to see when I am going to go for D. I don't even want to consider it at this time. If H asks then I will deal with that even though it will break my heart..one day at time is all we can do right now.
Stay strong.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Hey Hope, I think T2L's post locked up. I wish I could walk on that beach with you. Sounds perfect, but also sounds like you could use some company. I know it is so hard to watch our H doing this to themselves (drinking). My H has been a drinker since Ive known him at 17y/o. I never really have been, and Ive expressed my concern over it to him on numerous occasions but finally gave up. Do you drink? My H OW drinks. I only thought she was a social drinker but D11 says they drink together when at his place. Now he drinks more than ever - he said it himself "Ive been drinking myself to oblivion" It just says they don't want it to be this way, so the drinking is a wonderful escape. They need help. I worry theyll hit rock bottom before they realize it. I am going to try to start going back to the al anon meetings. If I still dont feel comfortable in that group I can always find another one. And this weekend in Memphis "with the guys" (god I hope not OW) is yet another oportunity for escape. Im sure it will be a Mardi Gras in Memphis. Gee, too bad H and OW cant find something more creative to do together - sports bars? That will get old REAL fast.
OK Divorce Care group. I will talk with H/W team that plans to lead that group when I go to church this Sunday, and if I get more info, I will pass on.
Also, I am interested to hear of your H response to your encounter with OW. What do you think? Do you think it looks like we dont care if we dont confront them? I don't want to be the b#$@h wife - I would do it matter of fact and respectfully - like you did. I know the rules say not to confront but me being passive, almost apathetic and too distracted - it would be a 180 for me.
OK will check in later. Good night.
me - 36 H- 38 M 16yr T 21Yr S11 D11(twins) S14 IDLYA 6/18 H moved out6/19 H confessed EA and asked for D 7/4 H consulted atty 5-6wk ago still havent been "served" (WHY NOT? - maybe he just cant afford to file right now)
{{{{Jgrind}}}}} we will have to wait for T2L to start newest thread. Her H stopped over yesterday -- looking forward to see how it went.
Txmom sorry to steal stich. Hope all is well with you. Let us know how you are doing
I hardly drink, I gave up most social drinking because my H had not drank for years so I tried to support that decision. Now that H is drinking again, he told me the reason he gave it up all those years ago is because "I convinced him he had a problem but he never had one -- I was in control again", so how does he explain with cracking up his car, passing out etc but I know the drinking will catch up with him soon since she is a big drinker also and in his apartment was about 6 bottles of hard liquor. He will not be able to keep up for too long. His father died of cirohoss of the liver and about 1/2 of his brother/sisters are raging alcoholics. I know with his D not speaking to him pretty soon he will be drinking out of depression.
yes I have been leading a solitary life. Wish you would join me in my walks. Very lonely. I go to the gym but do not have any good friends here. Only some work people but since we both work here I have no one to confide in. I go to a Catholic church and most of the activities are during the day when I am work.
I left a message for my H about OW phone call. I knew he would not call back about it. My guess he will ignore it because all they do is lie about the relationship to this day. I can't believe what a liar my H has become. Right now he is totally addicted to her. Even after the call to her yesterday, I know he was with her again last night. No effect on either of them. It is a struggle every day but it is good to have this board here. It is my sanity.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
posting to save your thread. I'm going out of town today so I don't have much time to post. I have to catch up on this thread too.
But as I skimmed this first page, it sounds like your still doubting, scared, and discouraged.
I can't remember if you said you were a christian or not, but you have got to know that God is working thru this if you believe in him. I know this is the hardest thing you've ever done in your life. but perseverance and patience is going to win the day. You know that you cannot rush him, and I know it is so incredibly hard to be this patient. Your wanting control, and you feel as if you have none. But really, you do have more control than you think. If you choose to quit DBing, well, you'll have the indirect control of almost guaranteeing the termination of your M. If you continue down the DB road, it will be hard, it will be painful (although either road is painful) and it is humbling, but the rewards are great.
I know that I won my H back, but there was a time when I believed that I would not unless he was saved, and I had faith that God would provide the perfect person for me but I needed to rely on him. I know that I would have still thanked God for allowing me down that path because I was not being the person God had created me to be. But with God's grace, I can say that my H did come back and things are better than it was before.
You need to start letting go of this need to control your future. Just control the present. control what YOU are doing, how you are reacting, how you lead your life and the attitude you choose to lead it with.
Some days will be harder than others, and you'll have sad days and good days, just make sure your progressing to more good days than bad. Your attitude makes all the difference in the world.
You can do this, we believe in you, and you will be strengthened by it, and you have a great chance of bringing your H back renewed and creating a wonderful M between you both.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Hi ST, your post spoke to all of us. It is funny you mentioned perserverance, I just posted that word on T2L post2.
I have been trying to turn this over to God and i do struggle still trying to control, (Txmom and me are the same that way) I would like to do DBing but I had confrontation with H and OW last week and now the phones are silent. My D15 does not want to talk/see him at all and I do not want to force her. I know my emotions are so raw that I think detaching is the right thing to do for right now. I want to DB but I think this will help to keep serentiy, and calm my emotions than I can be more effective in the future. I pray to God to continue working on my H and in the meantime I will work on myself.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
okay, just making sure, this is TXmoms thread right?
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
absolutely, txmom has this stich and comes onto T2L, but we all chime in!
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Ok.. I posted on T2L thread too but for others.. here is an update
I was in Orlando Friday thru Sunday evening for business. Had a great weekend.. went out Friday night after our sales awards party and we went to a nightclub and danced and drank ... didn't get to bed until 3am ... haven't danced like that in forever.. flirted with couple of my work colleagues all in fun.... everyone telling me how great I looked helped the ego...
So updates on H: Friday am he came to house 6:30am - he went up and got our baby and just walked right in the master bathroom and he said:
"Wow you look great, really pretty" " I like your dress" ( i had a new dress on) Me: I said thanks for the compliment H: " Then he says you actually look Hot... really HOT" and kept going on
I said if you keep saying that and I didn't have to catch a flight I'd throw you on the bed and get it on.. we both laughed..
I left and he called me twice on the way to airport.. talking about our little baby.. saying "who does she look like" and just chatting... he isn't usually that chatty at 7am in the morning.
I made sure he knew I was out late and I didn't call him Friday night like I said I would... these are 180's for me..
But got home last night - he was normal and hung out for 40mins or so but I did get in some R talks NOT OW talk just ... I had a convo with a guy I worked with who went through divorce when his girls were little and it just got me thinking... I know I'd be able to move past the affair.. what I'm struggling with now and would struggle with is the HOW - how could my H leave us and kids without trying everything to save the marriage first? the Abandonment issue... not sure he can ever explain this too me...
So I brought that up before he left... he seems so done and clear headed that at times I really don't think he is in the fog... I asked him... what happens if his feelings change in a year or five years? I said you know without a doubt, no looking back, you've made the right decision? He didn't answer anything actually... He just said who knows what is going to happen...
I feel a little more detached now and not caring so much about his every move or if he'll call or not.. just don't care this week so I feel good about this. I did find out I won a trip through work to Hawaii next year and my H and I knew we were going on this and now I will have to take a friend... little reminders how sad and lonely this road will be but I probably will just rub it in his face little.
H tonight said he was coming over for Halloween... I didn't say he couldn't b/c I know it is the best for my D. So hard because I want him to feel how it really will be at the same time.. I'm going to stop all talks, calls etc... not invite him anywhere, stop the chase, if he offers to do stuff with kids then great... be pleasant but not overly and I will still compliment him and try to make him feel good to a degree and talk love languages...
ST I made it.... great words of advice.. love the statement we need to stop our need to control... I have come so far in just two months with this.. leaps and bounds... control today and live for today... makes all this really seem so much easier than the fears and worries of tomorrow or next week or next month.. thanks so much for wise words...
I feel at peace today and feel like I've put in God's hands ... keeping the faith God will take care of me, my girls, and my H in due time...
LIVE FOR TODAY
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
not sure if the R talk was good, but it wasn't bad, so good job not letting it get crazy or get emotional over it.
awesome about H calling you hot! AND your comment back! that was great!
hey, and you never know what will happen with the Hawaii trip. just make sure your friend knows you MIGHT end up with H there instead. lol
your doing awesome!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
txmom, you are doing good, keep it up. Look at T2L stich -- I had another downfall. I need to be consistent. I do well for a 5 days and boom I fall.
I know this program works. I have to have faith in God and myself.
Glad your kids are seeing their Dad for Halloween, I know you want for him to see what it will be like if you are D but in this case it is better for the kids.
take care.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
