For the Guy with Kids and a WW Diciotto

[hopeful4her]

Hey suga,

I'm still here. Been busy at work. My work has been suffering lately, so need to concentrate more. Had a big talk with the boss today. Business and personal.

After we discussed how things are down for me, business wise, I admitted to letting my personal life interfere. That brought up a big discussion. She is in her mid to late 50's, about 5'2", and about 110 pounds. Strong Hispanic woman that don't take sh*t from anyone. Once divorced and then widowed about 5 years ago. Now she is having the time of her life dating. We talk about my sitch. She has known my issues for over a year now, when we started working together. We just clicked. She realizes that I may not be a sales monster, but that I bring a lot of other things to the table. I also keep her grounded and usually have to finish her discussions when she gets frustrated with someone. She trusts me.

Last year with the wife in rehab and me taking care of the kids and visiting the wife every morning and evening after work, she really worked with my schedule. She gave me $50 to help pay for Thanksgiving and then during the Christmas holidays, she started an email drive for my family. I had just gotten the wife home a week before Christmas, when my District Manager and a few other big wigs from the bank presented me with a check for nearly $900! All donated by my co-workers from all the different branches and local corporate. I nearly broke down when they surprised me that day. My District Sales Manager and District Ops Manager and my Branch Manager are all women, so I had them bawling, too. I'm tearing up as I'm writing this. At the time, I was having to rely on family to get my kids gifts. It was a gift from God.

Anyway, the boss is telling me how my being successful will be the ultimate revenge on the wife. Also that I need to let her go. She has gotten a taste of a different life and liked it. Nothing I can do but go on with my life. And do it for my kids. Be successful for me, not for the wife or to show her. It would just be an added benefit.

I agree with her. I had been in a funky mood today when we had the talk. Still am, knowing that I don't know my wife anymore. I miss my best friend. Terribly. I'm in mourning for her still, I think. And then being alone in the house without my girlies makes it hard.

I called the girls this morning to tell them to have a good day. D11 keeps forgetting to call me at night. That hurts. I talk to D11 first. She knows that my feelings are a little hurt, so she doesn't say much. Then I talk to D7. The wife is straightening her hair. She has been doing it for both of them since yesterday. I tell D7 that I'm going to have to do it here at the house too, but that I'll just IRON her hair. She just can't move her head on the ironing board.

"Daddy!" she laughs.

I talk to her a little and start to end the conversation and she tells me that mom wants to talk to me. The wife asks if I can bring some of D7's jeans back. I let her know that I only have 2 pairs of them. She says she can't find a couple and that she'll probably go buy her some more this weekend.

Right. She has rent coming up and just paid her Time Warner which was over $200. Unless MIL gave her some money. Or OM. Here I am selling my some of my coin collection today for a couple hundred bucks for extra money till Friday.

The wife also asks if I can find the plug to S14's printer. It should be in his room somewhere. I tell her I'll look and take the things by after work.

Couldn't find THAT plug, but had a couple extra that might fit it. After work, I drop by the apartment and D11 is outside riding a neighbors skateboard. I ask her why she is outside and she says mom told her she could. I tell her that I don't like it. I give her a kiss and give the bag to her to take inside. We talk very little because she is distracted riding the board and being with her friend. I tell her I miss her and she gives me a look and says, "I'm going to see you Sunday."

THAT hurt. I tell her fine. Maybe someday she'll call ME. She rides of with a sarcastic look. She yells back "Maybe you might get a surprise." I tell her back, "I keep praying for one."

She also told me that she can't find her PE shirt. She has her shorts but no shirt. Can I look for it at the house. I tell I'll look, but I have not seen it and did not wash it. She asks me to look anyway. If she can't find it, she'll get D hall tomorrow.

She never called me. I watched a movie tonight and didn't finish it until about 9:45. Too late to call her. I'll call her in the morning. I might have to go to the school and buy her a new one.

Or let the wife handle it. Not sure. It HAS to be at the apartment.

No drama is nice, but it sure is boring now. Being home alone. Trying to not have contact with the wife. Tonight, I cleaned our bathrooms like crazy. Wiped down the areas around light switches throughout the house. Door jams. Swept the kitchen. Put away some clothes and folded towels. Will vaccum tomorrow.

Kind of bummed, guys. I am so afraid that I going to end up alone. With no one. No one to hold. To love. Like a widower that just can't seem to move on after the death of his wife. The effort I have put towards my wife has gotten me nowhere. And won't. What an ugly feeling.

Being rejected sucks. I know I'm not as down as I sound right now. Just venting my feelings.