I must be getting sleepy - Time to turn in before I get to goofy or grumpy,dopey, aw hell no I refuse to get mopey.(is that a word, mopey?) see what I'm saying.
I have been doing a lot of reading about parenting lately. I was little surprised about how big of a role the father plays in his D's life. Don't get me wrong I understand how important fatherhood is, but I was not aware how much of a role dads play in self esteem and self worth and If this is absent she will develop a craving for approval and attention from other men. I see this with my W.
Trapt, Sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us.
I don't have kids, so I haven't studied up on parenting, and I can't speak for anyone else, but I can tell you about my experience growing up female without a father. My father died suddenly of a heart attack when I was 7 and my brother was 2 (he was only 44). My mother, finding herself widowed at 39, raised us alone after that, and has never remarried or even really gotten involved with anyone. My self-esteem was always paltry, although I mostly attributed it to the fact that my mother held us (and everyone else) to extremely high standards--for example, if my report card contained even a single B--anything but straight A's--I got the third degree about it.
I have had clinical depression almost continuously since I was 13, when I made my first suicide attempt. (Everyone in my family has struggled with depression, so there are obviously other factors besides my environment.) This is currently more or less under control with ADs, but has been characterized by feeling so worthless that the oblivion of suicide sounds better than the torture of everyday life as a garbage-level human being.
I always tried to hide how much I craved approval, especially from men, because I thought it made me seem weak and needy, especially since my mother always stressed the importance of being self-sufficient (for which I think she had good cause, given what she went through because of my father's death). I don't know how well I did, though, because one of my H's complaints about me was that whatever compliments he paid me were never believed, it was never enough to make me feel loved and worthwhile; I always believed eventually he would figure out that I really wasn't as great as he thought I was. (Which has now happened, in a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. Ironic, considering I now have better self-esteem now than I have had in 30 years.)
So...one person is too small a sample size to be significant, but my experience is consistent with the conclusions you mentioned about the effect of fathers on daughters. I personally believe that everyone would be better off if all parents were less concerned about gender roles--in both parenting and being kids--but that comes dangerously close to something I try never to do, which is to give parenting advice, because I think it's hypocritical to do that when I don't have kids.
BTW, I do believe "mopey" is a legitimate word, but you skipped "Bashful." Does that mean you're not??
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
It's nice to hear from you. I'm sorry about your father, that had to be extremely tough. I know you feel about the depression. I recently started taking an AD myself. My sitch got the best of me for a while. I suffered for a while (denial) with lack of sleep and anxiety.
You coming here and fighting for your M and helping others says a ton about who you really are. Be proud of that!!
It's hard to block the negativity that creeps in but I've found if I catch myself in the act and start to replace it with something positive it works. Seems a bit strange to do at first, but do it enough, just like Dbing it will become a habit that you won't even think about doing.
It's great to hear that your self esteem is better. You sound like a very caring person who is (like we all here are) learning about yourself and becoming a better.
Life is nothing but choices - who we act and react, how we treat others and ourselves, who we are, who we to be, how we view ourselves and others, the list is endless. Don't take this the wrong way. I know you have had it tough and I'm not trying to minimze that in any way. Life may never be the party that we hoped for but we can still choose to keep dancing.
Take care of you. Treat yourself to something special and feel good about it. You deserve it.
Thanks for the comments on my thread looks like we are in the somewhat the same boat! I will be back later just wanted to say thanks and hang in there!
Cheers, Jeff
ME 44 W 32 M 5 T 6
no kids
June 08 I don't want to be married it's not you it's me
I need to vent!! I just got a phone call from my lovely teenage 29yr. W. I mentioned her birthday is Sat. She has given me two options Wed. or Thurs. to have her party. She has said she will not see me Sat. WTF!! (sorry couldn't say that to her.) I'm proud of myself. I stayed very calm during all of this and was as nice as could be.
I said: please understand I have had the kids for the past 5 days. The house is a mess, I have to get groceries, I need to take our dog to the vet on Wed. and D needs new clothes for winter in the worst way. Why can't we celebrate it on the weekend. "I am all booked for the weekend". "Your just mad and being difficult because I'm going out with my friends for my actual Birthday." (I admit normally I would be livid - but I have been through this for along time and I'm finally reaching DETACHMENT!!! YES!! I actually feel sorry for her.)
I said it's been a hectic week so far and I want your party with me and the kids to be nice and not rushed. You will get here at 5:30 and have to leave at 7:00 to take the kids back to your place to get them ready for bed.
Her response: "unbelievable!!" "your too busy on the days I'm available for MY BIRTHDAY" "That's F@#%*ng typical!!" "You know what forget it." "Don't bother!"
I wanted to say: YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU UNGRATEFUL, IMMATURE, SELF CENTERED BRAT!!! GROW UP!! SHUT UP!! AND HAVE YOUR HAPPY BIRTHDAY WITHOUT ME. GO SPEND IT WITH YOUR SCUZZBALL FRIENDS AND BE HAPPY AFTERALL YOUR HAPPINESS IS WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT!!! No need for that though.
What I said was: I'm sorry you feel I'm being difficult. I just don't want it to be rushed, I want it to be special. I would like a little more time to get something from the kids too.
I don't know if I screwed up or not but I said (in a nice way): Do you realize what I'm trying to do for you. I've got you a very nice gift and I'm doing my best. Listen I know your hurting and stressed.(she has said this to me recently) Why have you been nasty to me for so long? Maybe when you get a minute you should sit down and ask yourself this.
She says : " I don't care about your gift you can take it and shove it!!" "I wanted to spend time w/ you!!" (Sure looks like it. I did not say this to her by the way.)
I got hit with a second F bomb run.I cut her off half way through it and said. I am not listening to this anymore. I will jump through hoops,do the splits and bend over backwards to try and make Thursday work. I'll call you tomorrow and let you know.
I wish I could have taped this call it would have been PRICELESS.
Please...anybody have any advice???
Where is the Damn red easy button in all of this!!!
This sucks I feel like I can't go to friends and family anymore. They will think I'm nuts for putting up with this. I used to vent to my cousin(I'm close with him.) The last time I did he said "kick her to the curb, look what she doing to you." That was 2 weeks ago. That outlet is gone. If it wasn't for this place I would be a wreck.
Why did I try to reason with her. There is no talking to a tornado. It sucks you in - beats you up - and spits you back out. The next time I will run for my life.
The next time I will run for my life. 