Don't know what to do- Please help

[limbo]

Morning all!!

So we had a good dialogue last night about keeping secrets...now I remember why doing dialogue is so important! I really gets us to talk and open up, and it’s what is needed right now.
H was really open and said he realized that keeping secrets will destroy us, that between us there can be no secrets. He said his C gave him a good tool, a very simple one, but for him he says its something he should have thought of long ago, and this is if he is in a situation and he doesn’t know what to do then he should ask himself “what would limbo want me to do” and in doing that he has his answer. He really likes this C and a really wish I could see her to, but she won’t as she feels it’s a conflict!
H also said that he was very honest with her, and told her the truth, he said she said that we handled this last situation with the ow well and no more contact, she also said that she (from what H has told her) is a master manipulator, and she(c) believes that we have not heard the last of the ow! Which in my gut I had kinda figured! But she said we are not to respond, as it shifts power back to her! And I sure as hell don’t want to do that!
But it went well, no yelling, or getting upset, we just talked and didn’t dwell on it for very long!
So baby steps in the right direction!

[JAK58]

Sounds like a huge step into the right direction Limbo.

I wish H ould go to Retro so that he can learn how important communication is.


JAK

[JAK58]

Limbo,

How did yesterday go?
Did you dialog?

JAK

[limbo]

Thanks for Checking in Jak

We didn't dialogue per say but we did talk
We or I should say I got some things out...H thinks things are A ok and doesn't understand why I might get down, he thought we were working on things and that make everything fine.
I had to explain to him how that's not the case, that we are only 2 weeks out from yet another bomb, and its going to take time, that I am trying to process alot, and for the most part I am having to do it on my own.
I told him he know whats really going on he has all the details, he know what the truth is, but I don't, and I have to work with what I have, and so its hard for me to come back from this, this time, I want and am trying to hold my faith in him and us.
He is going to have to be patient, and understand that I need time to heal, and that we need to just take things slowly.

He seemed to take this all really well, so we shall see what happens.

[JoieDeVivre]

I told him he know whats really going on, he has all the details, he knows what the truth is, but I don't, and I have to work with what I have...

To which I say, AMEN!

You completely summarized what it's like to be a WAS in a nutshell. I don't know how many times I just wanted to know THE TRUTH!

I know if I were you your shoes, and going through a second bomb, I would feel the same way. But it sounds like your H may realize this, especially because you've been dialoging.

[limbo]

I hope he does Joie!

We have gone through this before, I though he has realized what the damage was, but yet here we are again.

I just wonder if we are going to have this again...for the last year things had been alot better then they had been for a long time, I thought he was back, but he was obviously not, I am not fooling myself, I feel he was pursuing her in some way again, I don't believe it was all about the money.

So I wonder if she pops up again what will really happen.

I guess only time will tell!

[runningoutoftime]

Just try to be friends and keep expectations low. She is like a drug or alcohol, and unfortunately if he has to come in contact with her it will be difficult for him. I don't think he really wants *her*, but the body chemicals/hormones the affair caused are probably difficult to resist. Just remember it's not HER, it's the feelings that whole thing created... those are difficult to put aside.

Do you remember being a teenager and you'd like a guy and your body chemicals would just go nuts? You'd crave that feeling and think you were in love with that person. And then, after awhile, you'd come down from that "high" and wonder what you ever saw in that person anyway? And then someone else would inspire those feelings. I remember realizing that it wasn't the guys I was "in love with," but the feeling I got!

I think that's what these affairs are. It really isn't about the person (a particular OW just happens to be a person available and open to the situation), it's just body chemicals it's like drugs or alcohol and I think we have to hope our husbands can be stronger, and try inspire strength and character and "feed" their hormones and emotions in positive ways (if it's negative or belitting the lure of the body chemical addiction will only be stronger, anything to avoid the negative painful feelings of having hurt or destroyed someone truly loved...).

Anyhow, when you look at it that way, you can sort of understand how difficult it could be. I cannot predict the future of my marriage. I can only try to keep myself physically and emotionally healthy and try to be positive for me and my family regardless of any individual struggles the people in my family might be dealing with.

[limbo]

Thank you, what you say makes alot of sense, and so I have to try and remember that.

Things are going ok, we are still dialoguing which is good, some hard stuff, some easy stuff, which I think works best.
H emailed me yesterday and asked if I still loved and wanted him, he said he needs to hear that I do. So he is obviously very insecure too.

On a lighter note:

My D16 is taking a parenting class in school, and had to bring home one of those fake babies, so she has had it for one night! My H get a call today from her teacher saying she was begging them to take the baby back!! 1 night! wow! if only I could have done that!!! It had her up every 2 hours during the night, and D loves her sleep! I hope she will remember this! and not think that having babies is all sugar and dress up!
I think this is a great thing for kids to do to give them a taste of what its like!

[JAK58]

That ia soooo funny about your D and the baby doll.

That is that I think every school should do.

Glad to hear your H is e-mailing asking you those question. To me that says he wants to work on it.

My H texted me yesterday saying he hoped I felt better, luv me
This is good since he just learned how to textmsg.

Hope is there so PMA my friend!

JAK

[limbo]

Thanks Jaks!

I am trying to keep a PMA but yesterday just was not a good day, felt very low, I try not to let H see, but I was just feeling like why am I bothering, why do I keep doing this to myself.
Again I feel like I am in a waiting game, waiting for something else to happen. And it is just getting old!
I wondering if things would just be better for me to be on my own, would the worry be less?
I do love h but in the end is it enough? I have love him through out all of this, and so far it hasn't been enough, because he keeps seeking the ow out.
I know this will pass...