Ok, stbxH just left. He came over while I was napping and the kids opened the door and although I wasn't sleeping I didnt get up for a while. When I finally did he was cooking with the kids. He stayed for 5 hours, we talked on & off for a couple (because the kids would come in and we had to stop).
He said he agrees that all the things I asked for I have every right to ask. He says he really wants this, "I really want to come back and be with you". His remark was that there are some things that I know of him, that cant be changed, such as become a talkative guy. He says I know he is like that at work, at home, with everybody. But he udnerstands how that must change as much as possible regarding us if it means that we both know "where we are" in our R. He realises we knew nothing about each other's life and we would need to change that an dthe only way is to share what is going.
He is already trying, I could tell. I pushed with every chance I got and he didnt react the "normal way". He was validating, explaining, arguing and it felt strange. Everytime I expected him to drop the issue but he didnt.
I told him about how I dont trust him anymore and that he would need to reassure me until the trust is regained. He said he knows, he will do what he has to do. I gave him an example of how reassurance doesn mean I want him totell me I love you every hour and that simple gestures make a big difference. He was thrilled that that is what I meant and said he is willing to do it (looked like he had a lightbulb moment, DAM for sure!!). He insisted there was no OW but when I told him that honesty will probably help me put it behind me he seemed to be rethinking about it.
I was very honest about myself. I told him I am at a point where any behaviour of "this is me" type "and take it or leave it", will mean "I am leaving it". I told him that right now I cant be fair or logical, I need more and he said he understands.
There wasnt anything that I asked for and we didnt discuss it and he didnt say he is willing to try. He did say "I cant show you with words, you have to let me show you with actions, right now we are only talking".
He told me he wants me to be understanding regarding his stress sometimes (will try to control that), positive in life (cant stand me being as negative as I were) and loving (acts of service is his LL).
He tried a couple of times to say "what is done is done, let's start over" when we talked about my feelings and tried to focus on the future but I refused to follow that philosophy. I told him that I believe the past has given us the knowledge, and we should use it.
I asked him if he is sure he isnt doing this for the kids. He said he is doing it for the kids also, since the kids are part of our history and "us", but not just for the kids. He said he wants to be with me.
I wasnt "accommodating" during our talk. He started the discussion, he brought up all the issues one by one, which is a change for him. He started R talk with me!!! He wasnt trying to get out of "hard subjects". There was a point he said something about me and I replied "well, I didnt leave you, cheated or hurt you the way you did". He looked sad and with regrets.
He said my patience and faith in us really shocked him and were appreciated. He said "it mattered so much, it matters that you are considering it now".
I still didnt tell him I am ready to try because I am not. I feel he has to realise that this is really a hard decision for me to appreciate my effort as he should.
Therefore, we didnt talk about next steps (progressively spend time together etc). He left and I did feel him closer to me but I am still on the fence whether I could pull this off, me personally, regardless of what he does..
So, I am taking it slow but I will have to "just do it" soon. K
