One thousand posts later...

[goldeylox]

Thinking,
You ask a good question. I don't know if it matters who leaves first. When it's over, it's over. Someone has to move out. I elected me, and I took the kids with me.
Mama, sorry for the hi-jack, I'll look for Thinking's thread to continue this topic. Hope all is well with you, Peace. Goldey

[hoosiermama]

"So how'd it turn out?"

For me.. as cocky as it sounds.. all right.

"As for me, I left emotionally, kept checking back in and getting burned"

Did the fire look hot? Or did you really not know it was hot?

"eventually H, having left emotionally long ago, left physically, seemingly in the most painful way possible."

It seemed hurtful to you cause you were still attached.. no matter how you spin it.. "someone" does not wake up one morning with the intention to hurt "someone" else. They just make crappy choices. In doing that they crap on the "someone" left.

It sucks.. it hurts.. it takes your breath away. It was not intentional.. it was a outcome to the choices they made.

"And hasn't looked back."

Part of me.. in knowing your history.. says thats a hint. In explaining it further.. the more you wave your arms and hope he looks back.. the less he wants to. You gotta know.. when to let go.. sometimes in doing just that.. it has the opposite effect.

Sometimes.. the still never look back.

"Living a delusion, but hasn't seen me as a person in months and so there's no way to work on this project."

Then stop.

"All I can do now is save myself and protect my D."

Save yourself first.. in doing so.. you protect D.

"If H comes out of that tunnel he's in someday as a grownup, it may be too late for us, but for now it's out of my control."

And this is Life. You show a DAM "Love" through your actions. He will see and respond to them.

All you have to do is be you.. nothing more.. nothing less. You may have to do it 2-3 times.. for him to make sure. Even if he misses it.. you still win.
_________________________
Do Work.

I didn't want to keep hijacking cookie's thread!

on checking back and getting burned--yes, the fire was hot. Yes, it seemed a few degrees hotter each time, so I suppose I exposed myself for less time and pulled back inside a little quicker and a little further over time.

on making the departure as painful as possible--he dropped the bomb 3 days after I found out my job was going to be ending, 3 days before our anniversary, 4 days before my birthday. Could be coincidence, but I think at least part of it was timed to do the most damage.

on letting go or waving my hands to get his attention--I realized back in July, just 2 months into this thing, that there was nothing I was going to be able to do to get his attention. It was incredibly painful, hit me like someone punched me in the stomach. So I dropped the rope; there was nothing else to do. Let go or be dragged, as some wise person has as a tagline. And since that point I've just been breathing. Because that's when I gave up hope of avoiding divorce. The outcome will be the same regardless of what I do, so I'm just trying to avoid further damage to D and I. Never really had a chance to DB.

on coming out of the tunnel--that remains to be seen. I'm not holding my breath, I'm not waiting. I'm not putting my life on hold again to see whether he might someday love me enough to come back. Been there, done that. I've done some foolish things in my life in order to be loved, to not be alone. The best I can hope for from H is to bail when things get tough, because he's done it over and over in different ways. I can be alone with him or I can be alone without him. The second option seems a lot less complicated.

[hoosiermama]

Hoosier,

This is also something that stunned me a couple of weeks ago when H said, "what does it matter who leaves first?" I was at a loss for words because this is such an obvious thing to me. There is SO MUCH responsibility in making that decision that I didn't understand how he could be so flippant about it. I'm in this through thick and thin because I see the impact this would have on all the people I love. I just don't understand how you could not see the damage this will do.

I absolutely agree. Once H was in the process of filing, which he knew I was against, he tried to just lightly drop the suggestion, "oh, why don't we just file jointly?" I said "absolutely not. If you want to destroy our family, then you do it, I may have to go along with it but I certainly won't initiate it. It will be on your head, not mine."

[BeingMe]

And I look forward to the day when H feels some consequences, because I truly don't think he has until now. It boggles my mind to know that he's actually received sympathy for his situation from friends and colleagues, because of the pain he's experiencing (they seem to forget the pain he's causing !) The few sessions of "MC" we did several months ago--which were all about easing the way for D12--were quite painful because the MC seemed to consider H a victim. Of what, I'm not sure.

Some people sure have that innate ability to garner sympathy for whatever cause they may be touting at any given time. Your H sure seems to have that skill and then some. He has the gift of the gab as they say. Which is why you need a L with that skill too, to speak for you and not be influenced by your H.

No matter how your H feels about you --- he does have to remember that you are the mother of his daughter. And hurting you, is hurting his daughter. Even the town idiot can figure that one out. So his "I can't keep doing this" is the same as saying it to his daughter. Way to go, 'dad'.

[goldeylox]

((((((((((((((((((Mama))))))))))))))))))
Just thought you might need a hug, honey.
I had a big pity party for myself last week. Again, no one came. It seems they are not as much fun as I thought. So, let's do a 180, okay?
God loves you, babe...and He's right here with us. Carrying us, at times. Sending angels your way to help you weather the storm. Believe it.
Our Father...
...Amen Goldey

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Do you ever wonder what that feels like: to act with no conscience, no fear, complete detachement, seemingly doing whatever you please, regardless of who it hurts? It must feel very liberating, at least in the short term. It certainly gives the WAS/Adulterer a tactical advantage regarding the balance of power in the troubled marraige, especially if the LBS wants to keep the marriage together.--Theoden

Sure, it's like the North Koreans, or the Chinese: must be easy to govern when you don't have to worry about that pesky little thing called "Public Opinion" hanging over you!

Puppy

[hoosiermama]

((((((((((((((((((Mama))))))))))))))))))
Just thought you might need a hug, honey.
I had a big pity party for myself last week. Again, no one came. It seems they are not as much fun as I thought. So, let's do a 180, okay?
God loves you, babe...and He's right here with us. Carrying us, at times. Sending angels your way to help you weather the storm. Believe it.
Our Father...
...Amen Goldey

amen! Didn't mean to go down that road; another thread went off on a tangent (as in, just get over it, whatever "it" is), i didn't want to keep hijacking it so I moved it over here. I was mostly clarifying for others, not so much crying in my beer.

[hoosiermama]

And I look forward to the day when H feels some consequences, because I truly don't think he has until now. It boggles my mind to know that he's actually received sympathy for his situation from friends and colleagues, because of the pain he's experiencing (they seem to forget the pain he's causing !) The few sessions of "MC" we did several months ago--which were all about easing the way for D12--were quite painful because the MC seemed to consider H a victim. Of what, I'm not sure.

Some people sure have that innate ability to garner sympathy for whatever cause they may be touting at any given time. Your H sure seems to have that skill and then some. He has the gift of the gab as they say. Which is why you need a L with that skill too, to speak for you and not be influenced by your H.

No matter how your H feels about you --- he does have to remember that you are the mother of his daughter. And hurting you, is hurting his daughter. Even the town idiot can figure that one out. So his "I can't keep doing this" is the same as saying it to his daughter. Way to go, 'dad'.

Oh, he has the gift of gab, all right. He's outgoing and gregarious, and most people instantly like him. My L is really good at verbal judo--using the opponent's weight against him. BTW--I meet with him tomorrow afternoon to figure out the next moves.

I'm not so sure he even cares so much about D any more, except as an extension of himself and what he wants. He wants 50/50 custody, but tonite is typical--he's now 2 hours late picking her up, which has destroyed my evening plans (nothing exciting, visiting a lady in the hospital). Her homework is done, she's fed, she's talked with friends--so now they get to play, while I've been a parent. Which is fine, really--I know she's taken care of. Yeah, with the pool thing--last June he was all happy about getting the pool ready for D. Now it's "I can't keep doing this." To which I say, whatever. Say what you want, just do it.

[hoosiermama]

Do you ever wonder what that feels like: to act with no conscience, no fear, complete detachement, seemingly doing whatever you please, regardless of who it hurts? It must feel very liberating, at least in the short term. It certainly gives the WAS/Adulterer a tactical advantage regarding the balance of power in the troubled marraige, especially if the LBS wants to keep the marriage together.--Theoden

Sure, it's like the North Koreans, or the Chinese: must be easy to govern when you don't have to worry about that pesky little thing called "Public Opinion" hanging over you!

Puppy

No wonder I feel like I'm living in a totalitarian state, where many details of my life are controlled by someone else!! LOL!!

[hoosiermama]

Okay, so when he did come to pick up D, he actually came inside which is rare these days. He did so to drop off a check for a portion of a bill that was autodrafted yesterday--so there was a potential for another overdraft, altho I was able to work around it. I'm beginning to wonder if he does this on purpose--following the letter of the "law" (he did provide a partial payment, on the day the bill was due) but in actuality causing further problems because it can't be deposited until today.

Anyway, once inside he looked around the family room that D and I rearranged. He said, "hey, you moved the furniture around. Do you really like it like THIS?" Both D and I said "Yes!!" at the same time. For me, it was a before-and-after thing (a little late) and it will stay this way for awhile even tho parts are inconvenient. Because now it's MY WAY of arranging things. I'm even kinda glad he doesn't like it!!