Thing is the website is definitely from the last week, as I had looked at history the week before and it wasn't there. (I know, bad me for doing that).
I hope he feels good about the weekend and not panicked. It was a bit strange that he didn't reach out to me at all today, beyond this morning when he told me he cleaned the litter boxes, and this was at 9 AM.
He was so friendly until today. I hope I am just acting overly concerned. I should not have asked him if he had a good time this weekend, as it forces the issue a bit. Guessing he doesn't want to give me "false hope", and has pulled back. I also kissed him on the lips when he was in bed, and he didn't seem overly enthusiastic.
It is good that he didn't scoot away from me in bed last night, even though it wasn't active cuddling. OK trying to remain calm here. Now he has left for the airport, and any contact will be electronic only until Friday. There is always the chance he left me a note or something at home, but this is unlikely. It's just weird as really SO much happened this week, and not one word has been said about it. I hope I didn't miss a real opportunity, and that it is still there. Just that Sunday was exactly like it used to be between us, only better as there was no arguing or bickering...
Guess it's probably normal for a WAS to pull back after an intense period of time though...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I think it is totally normal for them to pull back not just WAS's but men in general. It's called "rubberband" in men are from mars, women are from venus. They get enough intimacy and then the "pull away" and the only thing you can really do is give them space and wait for them to "spring back" it is really helping me to have that visual image in place when my hubby pulls back after a good date or a serious R conversation. So don't worry. The 3 day break is probably the best thing for both of you right now.
I would keep conversation to a minimum while he is gone. And I would also challenge you to stop reaching out with physical signs of affection when he does get home. You never seem to get the response that you want and it comes across as very pressuring. so I would stop. Let him initiate any and all physical contact at least for a little while.
Did you get an appointment scheduled with Jody yet? Now that she is back from vacation.
Keep your spirits up, there are still positives here.
Actually I have an appointment scheduled for tomorrow, 5 PM my time, with Jody. I'm glad I waited this long, as so much has happened, and I really want her advice now on how to approach the next R talks and the living sitch etc.
You're right about the physical affection, although there was one, honestly magical, moment in the hotel in Galway where I hugged him and he put his head on my shoulder. It felt so genuine, but I actually got a little nervous and pulled away.
I agree about keeping conversation to a minimum over the next few days. I am trying not to get nervous about how he will be when he comes back. Anyway since H is on this business trip, he may not even be online for the next couple of days. I sent him an email this evening letting him know I paid some online toll that he asked me to pay this morning, but won't send any non-urgent texts/emails for the next few days.
Small update--while I was in the middle of posting this I had the feeling I needed to check my phone (had left it downstairs). I missed a call from H by 2 minutes. He was transferring flights in Germany. So, I called him back, and he had just called to ask about whether this outlet store that we were planning on going to this weekend(meaning he remembers and is committed to the plans we made)had laptop bags because he saw some nice ones in the Frankfurt airport. Then we talked about his current laptop bag and how the zipper is broken and I said I would take it to get repaired tomorrow since I needed to get my jeans altered anyway. So it wasn't a super friendly, chatty conversation. He said "OK talk to you later, need to go," at the end, but really he did not need to call me at all about this. It felt pretty normal, or would have if I could have ended with "ILY". This is a horrendous night of traveling for him where he gets to Egypt at 340 AM local time, so even under non-weird R circumstances he would have likely been a bit short with me.
Feeling pretty pleased that he called like that actually. I can count on one hand the number of times he's called over the past few months...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Good update. I think the business type conversations are really important because they have a sense of teamwork and togetherness. It may not be the affection and tendernedd you are craving but I think it says a lot about his state of mind.
How are you going to GAL these next three days that he is gone? What is your PMA plan! Besides the talk with Jody, which I am dying to hear about!
I vote for calling Jody. I think she will help you get the best perspective of how to respond to H.
Even though your H wants to talk all the time, his words do not reflect his behaviors. If you are looking for an indication that things are going well verbally- what if he says no? But you just spent a pretty good weekend together by your own accounts!
I struggle with this in my R too. I want to get the actual feedback of how we are doing, not have to interpret it from his actions. I think we want to know the end of the story while we are in the middle. I do think that if we push them they WILL make a decision- they will just quit.
You are doing so well, run your plan by Jody first...
Me-36 H-30 T-7yr, M-3yr DivorceBusting Saved my marriage! sep 6-08 to 12-08. Together again, things are good!
Daisy, I do need a GAL plan for the next 3 days! Today I am working from home as someone is coming to look at our broken heater (cold house...). I plan to do some exercise this morning, as I've been slacking in this area since I've been back. This should help my PMA. Other than that today will probably just catch up on work, and maybe watch some silly shows that H would not want to watch with me.
Work pretty much keeps me out of the house from 8-7, so tomorrow probably nothing big, but Friday (the day H gets home), I am going to try to make plans to go to drinks so that I don't come home before 10 PM or so. I may leave some candy here for H so that he can entertain the Trick or Treaters (we get them in Ireland too), but I like dressing up and H doesn't (has been a fight on several occasions), so I think I'll take advantage of the opportunity to both enjoy myself and show him that I can do these things without him.
Also, yes the business-type calls do make me feel like I'm part of a team again. In this case I especially liked it because it wasn't just about the budget or the house, but about something more frivolous that really didn't need to be run by me. It also showed me that he remembered our weekend plans. I thought he might try to get out of them...
Opt--I'll be talking to Jody early this afternoon, so by the time the boards are active again, I may have an update posted. I agree with you that the words don't always match the actions. While I would be more than happy to continue business as usual for awhile with my H without any serious conversation, he always seems to want these conversations. So I guess what I need to figure out is whether it is better for me to deflect them, to go along with them, or to raise them myself. One thought I have on this weekend is that if we go out to dinner or something, or to drinks maybe, I can test the waters with some plans for Christmas. I won't do this directly, but may try to steer the conversation toward a few places that I know H has been wanting to go, and see whether somehow he might make the connection himself...obviously it depends on how the night is going, but what's clear right now is that plans need to come from him, even if I have an influence on them. Anyway, no worries on me pushing H, I will definitely not do this. I think that one major backslide was more than enough, and I don't think we're solid enough yet for me to talk about the things I want...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Friday...yep, an important day, for the Venus stuff and becuase Mars in linked to Uranus that day, its supposed to be pretty big. Heres a pretty good explanation of the week if you're interested.
I'm not sure I like your hinting about Christmas idea... I think things are still in a state of flux this week and next, so I would hang fire till mid November, theres still time! It might just freak him out and feel like pressure, so why ruin a potentially good chance to db him this weekend!? Is it a 180 for you to plan ahead like this (even if you are just gently hinting)? If not, I would NOT do what you always do and just leave it to the fates...hey, you can arrange christmas stuff in December, he may even suggest some places to go with you by then!?
I am really looking forward to hearing how the talk with Jody goes. Keep us posted!
Ali xxx PS: Have you read Priya Kales site today? She is such a good, insightful writer.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I was about to shut the laptop down, and just saw your post! Thanks for the link. I take the positive from that post, which is that Halloween could be a good day for love.
OK point taken about Christmas. It is definitely not a 180 for me to mention plans. I planned everything in the past...I will let this be unless he brings something up. I mean last weekend he brought up the hypothetical "if we lived in X", completely out of the blue, so it is possible. Sadly we might still be at the point where he needs a few drinks to loosen his tongue about positive things, but I think this is probably OK given the odd state we're in right now.
Oh should note that H texted me when he got to Cairo last night. Of course he knows that I like this, so is likely doing it out of obligation, but he even texted me when he got to the hotel. I thought it was a nice gesture, regardless of the rationale behind it.
I did read the Priya Kale site as well. It was interesting as usual :). ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
