Trying2Live-Post #3

[AllW8SBF]

Well I really backslid! HUGE! I broke yesterday. H was talking about I guess he contacted OW last week saying that if you want time you have it but if you come back it's on his terms, well he contacted her again today, just to find out she's done with him. Trust me she's been over him long time but he can't seem to see that, much like I can't seem to see that he's over me.
We had a R talk, one that h said we should have had weeks ago, but I didn't do it. So I bottled this all up till last night and then I exploded. Crying, begging, telling him that when you marry its for better or for worse, etc etc. And he said it could never be the same. He doesn't see me that way, and if he came back he'd think he could just do it again. And that with the OW a side of him came out that has been dorment for years. And he likes that flirt, fun, happy guy.
1) you girls addressed that he has sexual addictions, I believe he does and have said that and he has not addressed them. He said his Counselor said that he should keep handling his sexual needs the same way. HMMM your right I was not there I probably should not believe she said that.

I felt I was losing ground cause he said he told OW he couldn't wish her well because she was just going to go out and do the same as before - find another guy - and so I snapped so are you. And started the downfall, and he said he was going to buy a mattress for the other bed and start sleeping in the other room so I felt I was losing him more and tried grabbing on. NOT GOOD!

He acted caring and listened and said I made good points that if I could figure out my sexual stuff (low desire), start getting confidence, being independent, individual, care about myself, that it would make sense if we were together. We have everything minus 2-3 things, and those things can be gotten if I did things good for myself.
He said I cared more about work - I did, I worked for hours for little pay, left went to the gym (he felt that was good for me) but then would end up coming home so late.
He did say how long do you expect me to wait for this transformation? I can't be monogamous with you or with anyone right now. Despite the fact my C would probably not be happy with the decisions I made last weekend, or for this weekend, I am happy with them and don't feel I'm manic or in an episode.

So I am going to focus on me - problem is I get stuck.
1) I have so many things I want to do I lose focus and spin out and never finish what I start.
2) I don't feel really good about myself right now and so GAL is hard, even though it's the double edge. I won't feel confident until I GAL and by GAL I will start to feel confident. I'm trying to find things to look positive at so I can move ahead with my GAL plan and feel good but I feel lousy.

After done with me, he went up to chat, and now he is using skype and webcam. So it's as though I just pushed him farther ahead.

I told him that I do still want to go to Colorado with him for Christmas, he said that he wouldn't want to go with anyone else, even if he dated someone every week till then. So I have that to work for.

But I need help, I need to stay focused. I want to do good for me and if it works out it's something he likes GREAT but if not at least I'll be happy with myself again, I lost that since I was married.

Problem I don't have friends, all my friends have kids, so they don't have time to go out. I did make a outing with my 2 friends from work with their kids to go skating for this weekend, but that's it.

Can I ask why the idea of a woman to help get me over him is not a good idea T2L? Just want your opinion, I'm sure your right but I needed a really good GAL thing to say.
I live far out so friends and getting together is difficult.

I've done searches on sites like yahoo personals and match and don't really like my options there, so making good for me is best bet right now. Somehow I just need to find a way to smile and not mope.

Marisol, I agree, don't let him make you feel upset by his hardship, you have your own and he caused his. And cat here calling kettle, but don't answer all his texts - especially at 1:30 am go to sleep girl - its good for you.

I just want to take a moment to really thank all of you, I've done ALOT of venting and you have patiently listened and let me take over. Hopefully this is my first step in the direction of taking care of myself.

OK I need to get to work, that will make me feel good solving something here.