Trying2Live-Post #3

[Trying2live]

ALLW8,
Whew! I'm exhausted just reading. Ok I love the fact that you followed thru and did the class, that's freaking awesome! Did you see how he took notice of the confidence you exuded by going out. This right now, though it seems like its all about him it's really all about you. If you skip this and go straight for him I worry that your going to miss something really important. He needs to see your strength and confidence in what? YOU!

I'm not sure If I would tell him that you have someone helping you ditch him.

If you are uncomfortable about lying about where you are just don't say anything. You really don't owe him an explanation right now.

Girl, this is how I feel about dinner. If you so inclined feel to make dinner for the both of you fine, if you don't then don't, its ok for him to feel what it may be like should he go down the divorce route, he wouldn't be getting dinner daily. If you have extras then pack it for lunch, but I'm not liking the waiting around for him to decide(control) you on dinner. If you don't want to then don't make it. By you waiting around it's not a confident decision, its a decision all about him and its not about him right now, he's in the fog.
As far as what the C says, you don't really know what was said since you weren't there. Don't believe most of what they say right now.
I personally would not listen to any of that crap about the OW and the affair. That is not a confident position at all. I would find a sweet way to tell him you don't want to know about that relationship. If you ask that's one thing but him volunteering that information is wrong! Maybe something like, I'm really glad that you feel you can share with me and talk with me but I would rather not discuss the affair and the other woman, then SMILE and tell a funny joke and walk away. ITs all in the delivery. That boundary needs to be set.

I'm all for lingerie and maybe a lap dance but I'm not ok with pornography. Of course this is just my opinion. I feel your H has sexual addictions, does he? This almost needs to cleared up before your marriage does if he does.
When it comes to sex, just blow it off and say hey a girls gotta get her needs met so it doesn't matter to me if you lose respect for me because I love and respect myself and then SMILE! Its all in the delivery.
About this weekend start making plans NOW, set up dinner with a girlfriend, someone safe that you may like to get to know better.

Its so important to have girlfriends, i neglected this myself over the marriage and didn't find out till this happened how wrong it was. Can you set a goal of trying to go to lunch with a new friend(someone trust worthy safe and decent character-and it doesn't mean you have to share anything about the A. IN fact it might be a nice opportunity to converse about other things.) This would be a nice 180 opportunity for you, making new friends. I think you can do this because you GAL really fast. Can you do that?

[Trying2live]

Marisol,
I think the pain and struggle your H is experiencing right now is good! It helps to bring them out of the fog.

He wants you to feel sorry for him by mentioning the 2000$-DON'T feel sorry, this is of his doing. Let him figure his way out, don't fix it for him. This is a position of confidence. I mean your having to move out how bad does he feel about that? If we make it too easy for them then it will be too easy to do it again. He is reaping the seeds he has sown, and its ok. The bible says God chastises love he loves, just be sweet and let him figure it out. He really should find some temporary work until the housing market changes and the bible says you don't work you don't eat, of course if you are a full time mom like me I view that as work too. Men are supposed to be the providers for the fam.

Do you respond to every text, email or phone call? I think every once in a while don't answer. He needs to feel you are still living your life and not waiting on his every word. Or end the conversation sweetly but end it 1st-well I better go now I have some things to do blah blah blah.

I'm not sure what to think of the text convo, maybe he wants you to feel bad and give him money. Remember they are in the fog so only listen to very little of what they say.

[hope3343]

Hi Dr. T2L, you can create a new career for yourself. You could be an official DB counseling coach. I think your stich is so positive. Sometimes I persue other stichs and there is more hopelessness than this one! we rule...lol

All, read your post. My first thought also is that your H could be have a sex addiction. I agree about porn also that it is not a turn on but another type of cheating. Make sure that you feel confident enough to say no if your H wants to do something that you do not feel good about. Set your own boundaries. Then you can work on restoring your M.

{{{{Marisol}}}} we missed you girl. Packed up your house? ouch that takes forever. Your H is starting to feel the pain out in the real world. Like you -- I took care of everything. That was one of the biggest issues of my M. I took care of H for everything and finally felt like his mother and I think he started thinking about me that way also. Stop worrying where he is going to go and worry about setting up your own place. You had to downsize because of his actions and you managed to get a place, pack, and pay for it. Time for him to crash and burn which might make him appreciate you more.

H called me again this afternoon and never picked up. He called our D28 and told her he wanted to take D15 to counseling. My D told him that your really messed up our family by your actions. No comment. D15 was in a pep rally parade tonight for her soccer team. I know he did not even know about it. Missing her life - missing life. See what tomorrow brings, see if I can do slight dbing. Lets all do well tomorrow and check in. take care.

[marisol35]

((((((T2L))))) and (((((Hope)))))

You ladies are awesome!!!

T2L - I am guilty of responding to every call, text, etc. I know I have to stop. I did feel as though he wanted me to do something for him because of his situation. There is no way that I could even if I wanted to. I am in a tight position myself and my daughter and cousin's well being as well as my own come first.

I can't believe your H lived in a car just to be close to OW? That is amazing.....sometimes I wonder if that is what will come about in my H situation. He is very close to it... all for what? This OW is 21 and is no way a mother at all nor is she a real woman for that matter.

Hope - We are very much the same.... I also did everything, cooked, cleaned, worked, paid all the bills, you name it I did it. Even the yard work at times!!!! I just did too much and he expected it.

I pray for my M every day. I have also been praying for God to free OW from this adulterous relationship. To put someone in her path so that she is free to love them unconditionally. To show my H the wrongs he has done and to open his heart to what is true.

I want to start over. I want to start a new relationship with my H. I want our M to be a loving and trusting M that will last a lifetime.

[hope3343]

Marisol, everyone on this stich wants the same as your last paragraph states. I know how difficult it is and sometimes my emotions are twisted up inside but every day we can work on our M through the strategies we are learning we have a better chance.

I have been working on GAL, I go to the gym during lunch usually 5 days a week. I have been doing yoga/weights and I feel better physically and now I am working on my self esteem and keeping my mind busy. I lost about 30 lbs and I have more to go so if any good came out of this I am finally taking care of myself. I have always had a weight problem but I am really working at it. Otherwise I would be home sitting there watching TV and crying eating a bag of chips. I tried to turn this around doing something positive in spite of what H actions to his family.

My D15 is sick today and I had to pick her up from school. When I got her she said don't tell Dad I am sick because I do not want him to come over. I have to respect her wishes right now.

I have been re-reading some of the old posts. T2L you have given us much good advice. I am taking some of the good stuff and putting it into a folder to read when I am down. I think I will call it T2Lisms...DB tricks, quotes, prayers -- a little bit of everything. We need to stay focused especially with the holidays coming and I know that will be tough for all of us.

Good luck.

[AllW8SBF]

Well I really backslid! HUGE! I broke yesterday. H was talking about I guess he contacted OW last week saying that if you want time you have it but if you come back it's on his terms, well he contacted her again today, just to find out she's done with him. Trust me she's been over him long time but he can't seem to see that, much like I can't seem to see that he's over me.
We had a R talk, one that h said we should have had weeks ago, but I didn't do it. So I bottled this all up till last night and then I exploded. Crying, begging, telling him that when you marry its for better or for worse, etc etc. And he said it could never be the same. He doesn't see me that way, and if he came back he'd think he could just do it again. And that with the OW a side of him came out that has been dorment for years. And he likes that flirt, fun, happy guy.
1) you girls addressed that he has sexual addictions, I believe he does and have said that and he has not addressed them. He said his Counselor said that he should keep handling his sexual needs the same way. HMMM your right I was not there I probably should not believe she said that.

I felt I was losing ground cause he said he told OW he couldn't wish her well because she was just going to go out and do the same as before - find another guy - and so I snapped so are you. And started the downfall, and he said he was going to buy a mattress for the other bed and start sleeping in the other room so I felt I was losing him more and tried grabbing on. NOT GOOD!

He acted caring and listened and said I made good points that if I could figure out my sexual stuff (low desire), start getting confidence, being independent, individual, care about myself, that it would make sense if we were together. We have everything minus 2-3 things, and those things can be gotten if I did things good for myself.
He said I cared more about work - I did, I worked for hours for little pay, left went to the gym (he felt that was good for me) but then would end up coming home so late.
He did say how long do you expect me to wait for this transformation? I can't be monogamous with you or with anyone right now. Despite the fact my C would probably not be happy with the decisions I made last weekend, or for this weekend, I am happy with them and don't feel I'm manic or in an episode.

So I am going to focus on me - problem is I get stuck.
1) I have so many things I want to do I lose focus and spin out and never finish what I start.
2) I don't feel really good about myself right now and so GAL is hard, even though it's the double edge. I won't feel confident until I GAL and by GAL I will start to feel confident. I'm trying to find things to look positive at so I can move ahead with my GAL plan and feel good but I feel lousy.

After done with me, he went up to chat, and now he is using skype and webcam. So it's as though I just pushed him farther ahead.

I told him that I do still want to go to Colorado with him for Christmas, he said that he wouldn't want to go with anyone else, even if he dated someone every week till then. So I have that to work for.

But I need help, I need to stay focused. I want to do good for me and if it works out it's something he likes GREAT but if not at least I'll be happy with myself again, I lost that since I was married.

Problem I don't have friends, all my friends have kids, so they don't have time to go out. I did make a outing with my 2 friends from work with their kids to go skating for this weekend, but that's it.

Can I ask why the idea of a woman to help get me over him is not a good idea T2L? Just want your opinion, I'm sure your right but I needed a really good GAL thing to say.
I live far out so friends and getting together is difficult.

I've done searches on sites like yahoo personals and match and don't really like my options there, so making good for me is best bet right now. Somehow I just need to find a way to smile and not mope.

Marisol, I agree, don't let him make you feel upset by his hardship, you have your own and he caused his. And cat here calling kettle, but don't answer all his texts - especially at 1:30 am go to sleep girl - its good for you.

I just want to take a moment to really thank all of you, I've done ALOT of venting and you have patiently listened and let me take over. Hopefully this is my first step in the direction of taking care of myself.

OK I need to get to work, that will make me feel good solving something here.

[Trying2live]

ALLW8,
So you messed up. big deal, forgive yourself, pick your self up and keep going. Now what I found interesting is some things he said, though all of what he says is still in the fog and doesn't really matter much. "start getting confidence, being independent, individual, care about myself,". Remember how I said that confidence and independence, strength, and self care are attractive and remember how I said this is not so much about him right now as it is about you and that if you skip a step your going to miss something. To ya'll, don't wait to feel confident to GAL, please please please, go find something fun and creative and do it NOW! Your confidence will gorw as you step out and invest in yourself. ALLW8, its time to invest in YOU! Keep up the dance class, I could hear how you enjoyed it and the confidence it grew.
Still get some friends, I'm not going to let you out of this one. Join a church or reach out to some women at work and get to know them personally, maybe tell them that your going thru a hard time and are trying to get out with friends, you don't have to say what but you must get some girlfriends. You are alienated right now and that's not healthy for you.

Sometimes we reject before we can be rejected, do you think that this could cause you to not reach out to other women? You can do this, who cares if they have kids. Get to know their kids, just because you are not with your H is no reason why you can't interact with family people.

Well my thoughts on telling him about the OW helping you is it may back fire on you in some way. There are many possibilities that that could happen -he may give up or file 1st if he thinks you are headed that way or you may get caught in the lie and that wouldn't be good either. Of course its just an opinion and you have to follow your heart. What I did alot of times is just not be around so he couldn't ask and if he did I would just say I had errands to do and walk off so he couldn't ask further.

Yes we want you to focus on you but don't make it complicated, start to get to know who you are as an individual, what do you enjoy and like, start living, laugh, go for walks, join more dance classes, or singing lessons, cooking class, painting or pottery. Do you know who you are anymore? I think for all of us as women we serve our family so much that we lost who we are, forgetting that it was who we were that attracted our spouses to us. Tip #1 for all you learn to laugh as much as possible with H or with out H. Sometimes if he tries to engage in negative interactions I smile and laugh and say oh your funny and walk away , I mean tell me how attractive and confident is that? I almost think they need a lil chase and mystery and fun from us.

Did you all get to read that part of the tread about the feminine nature? Its super important, if not I can re-post if you guys are interested.

With all you have in you this is your season to invest in you and I think it will go a long way possibly for your marriage and if not, for all of us, we are going to be that confident lil thang!

Marisol, can you miss a call here or there, be just a bit unavailable? Remember absences makes the heart grow fonder. Not poopy just busy living your life, he doesn't have to know that you aren't you just didnt' answer. P.S. After you get settled in from move promise you will GAL, its for you.

XOXO....Got a salsa class tonight so I may post late....

[marisol35]

Hi Hope!

I'm so proud of you for working on you and making yourself healthy! You have made it a habit for yourself and that is so powerful. They say habits are very hard to break once you have established them! This is what I desperately need...a habit or a hobby or a salsa dance lesson like T2L is doing!! I just haven't taken the time or made the effort to look. Too many other things going on...I will as soon as we are settled in the new place.

What breaks my heart the most is how my D16 won't talk to H at all. But then again he makes hardly any effort to talk to her. I actually told him last Tuesday to call her even though she won't answer but at least she knows he cares. What does he do? He texts her. That was the last text she got. Then I was so upset on Sunday. His son came by the house to visit. H had dropped him off at his friend's down the street so he wanted to come by and say hi and see my daughter. While he is there H calls son to pick him up. Why could he not call to stop by and say hi to his daughter? I was amazed. It was pretty sad that he could not stop in for 5 mins. OW must have been with him since he knows not to bring her to my house.

All - welcome aboard! I believe you have taken the right approach. Work on you and then plan for your holiday trip. You have the opportunity to make your 180s more powerful being that he is still at home with you. Take that opportunity and run with it!

My H called me at lunch today. I did not answer! I am listening to you T2L!!! Then he sent a text message asking for help in getting started with another RE company. In other words he needs $$....I am saying NO!!!! But in a polite way of course. I'm dropping the rope. It is time for him to sink or swim.

[Trying2live]

Yes!!!! You go gurl!!! Good for you! Now that's confidenceand strength. I like it!
They know we want them back so being unavailable just a bit is a good thing, it shows them confidence and gives em a lil chase. Niceeeee!

As far as D16 goes, he's still in the fog, so I found the best thing to protect myself is to have NO EXPECTATION, I know that sounds lame, but even if I do have expectations, he's not going to meet them anyways because he's in the fog. So because of this i step up further and be the best mom I can be and cover as much as possible. Yes he should do whats needed for D16 but the sad fact is they only care about themselves right now and no amount of trying to reason with them is going to help.

Whats the point in driving myself crazy expecting him to act rationally, responsibly, and with care for the family. He's not going to, at least yet. The 1st 6 months are hardest, so why add to it?

I'm glad your thinking about GAL'ing. Yes as soon as you get settled in make this investment in yourself. Ya know whats 1 hour 1 time a week? That's how I started salsa. Think about it 1 hour 1 time a week. Don't think you all have to pick something super long many times a week. It's just the point that you start. Now I look for more classes or longer workshops, because I enjoy treating and investing in myself this way.

Hope Im checking on those Irish dance classes, I'll come watch ya some day!!! I'll be your fan club! LOL

[marisol35]

T2L - Ok....he texted at 12noon so I didn't text back till 2:45pm and I said:

"just got ur msg. i 4got about having 2 pay a deposit 4 the water/waste svc. Sorry...wish i could help u but i cant right now."

His response: "ok...thanks anyway.."

Was that good or could I have done better? I really do have to pay a huge deposit to turn my water on at the new place. I'm not about to sacrifice myself for him when he isn't caring about me or his daughter.

I have to keep reminding myself he is in a fog....it's just so sad for the kids....that is what makes me mad and sometimes gives me the feeling to just forget it...but I know...I have promised myself as well to make it to 6 months like you if he doesn't pursue the D. My 6 mo mark will be in February. The 120 day mark for the D papers is in January.

There is an LA fitness right across the street from where I live. I thought about checking into it because I would like to do aerobics classes or something to that effect.