I guess it's over

[NikB]

((((Trixi))))

Reading it, it seems obvious he's great at stringing me along. But if you saw us in person, you would see that he really seems sincere.

Oh, I think that he IS sincere. He's very sincere in telling you that he's confused, wants you available at his beck and call but doesn't want to fully commit. I think he is very sincere.

Look at the actions... what do THEY tell you?

Okay, I 'get' that I didn't do something he needed back then, but cheeze-us, Mary and Joseph, haven't I shown that I would fight for him now??

Yes, but what you haven't shown him is that he has to fight for you. Well, actually, he doesn't, which makes me very sad.

You'll analyze every single comment he makes to death in order to mold yourself into exactly what he wants (this week). Next week when he wants something else, you'll make sure you do that, too. And demand nothing from him, except the oh so fabulous "gift" of him allowing you to be in his presence.

It makes me want to cry that you want so little for yourself in the M.

[NikB]

P.S. I realized my last post could be easily misinterpreted. Probably not by you, Trixi, but I wanted to clarify in case anyone else is reading it.

I'm not saying at all that you can't have a good or even great R with your H. I do believe you can. I just believe very strongly that you should require him to treat you the way YOU want to be treated in an R. And given his track record, I would think he'd need to pursue you (and mean it!) for a lonnng time before you could trust him again.

[Trixi]

The mammogram from last week'ish had some areas of concern, so they had me back yesterday to redo on a better machine; same areas of concern, so they had me do ultrasound, they determined that the areas of concerns were cysts with the exception of one area that they want to biopsy. I am a tad more worried than I would like to be because 2 years ago I went to the doc and said "This area just feels 'funny' to me" and while he couldn't feel anything, he did order a mammogram, and because there was nothing specific, the radiologist said "no" because I wasn't 40 yet. There better not be anything wrong- I will be so ticked if there is.

Tonight the 4 of us go out to celebrate my daughter's 21st. Last night she called up at 1am to say "I'm 21; thanks for having me be born; I love you." So that was funny. (She was obviously with friends having a very good time.)

Yes, but what you haven't shown him is that he has to fight for you. Well, actually, he doesn't, which makes me very sad.

Indeed.
Nothing much I can say, really, since you're right.
I am too empathetic to his side of things; I can understand feeling confused and wanting some time to work stuff out without the additional pressure of someone wanting something from you. (for instance, like my xbf.) Speaking of which, xbf sent me a very long text apologizing for being insensitive and boorish and for assuming that we would just fall back into each other's arms after all these years. The parallel being that I feel like *I* need time to work some things out on my own, and if I let xbf into my life, it would influence me in a way I don't want, and make demands of me that I don't need.

I have a lot to think about.

[NikB]

(((((Trixi))))))

Yes, you sure do have a lot on your plate right now.

Remember to take some time out to take good care of yourself, too.

[NikB]

Have a couple more minutes now.

I will be thinking tons of positive thoughts for you on your biopsy! Are they going to do the fine needle aspiration or the full biopsy? I don't know if you were reading my sitch then at all but I had a similar scary experience early on, shortly after my H moved out actually. It all turned out to be fine - hopefully the same will happen for you! (((Trixi))) When is the biopsy?

That's cute your D21 called you - very sweet! I hope you guys have a good time tonight. Remember to play hard to get.

[Trixi]

They are going to do a "Ultrasound Guided Biopsy" where they stick a needle in and take several core samples.

It's being done next Tuesday; I have an appt with my Dr set up for that Friday morning so she can go over the results. They seem pretty good at keeping the concern level down; for instance scheduling a follow appt before the biopsy is even done so there is no way to "read into" the idea that the doctor wants to talk in person after the fact.

Crazy that you had a similar scary experience--lol-we really ARE twins! Except you got your crap together and I am still messed up.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Trixi,

I'm sorry to hear about your mamogram result. Did you tell your H about it, or are you dealing with it on your own? Fingers crossed to that its something benign.

Interesting that an old exBF is pursueing you! Thats got to be a boost to the PMA, but looks like you made the right decision by holding him off, seeing as you still have feeling for your H (after your moment of weakness with him the other day!). I hope your night out goes well with H tonight, keep us posted,

Ali xxx

[Trixi]

I have been keeping my H in the loop with regard to the mammogram thing. He is one that is pretty level headed and doesn't get alarmed unless there is a reason to. OTOH, I am NOT telling my mother because she will totally put all sorts of negative energy on me by "worrying" incensantly and talking doom and gloom.

Last night I was at a friend's house helping her go over her kiln stuff. She lives with a guy she met off Yahoo personals last year. She had been previously hung up on a guy that was sort of stringing her along and she was having a hard time moving forward. This new guy did NOT get scared off when she said that she still had feelings for the other guy. He was cool just hanging out with her and seeing what happened. Well, obviously since she is living with him, it progressed quite nicely. They were telling me last night that she really needed him (current guy) to help her move on from the other guy, because then she could SEE what it was like to have someone want to be with her full time. Their big suggestion-- go out on lots of dates and hopefully find someone that I like that wants to be with me full time.

[AliSuddenly]

Well, its one way of doing it, its a coping mechanism and some people do that and manage to move on that way. I've done it when I was younger, but I wouldnt want to now. I think its been better to be on my own and get to know myself and grow, its been painful and I would have felt a million times better had I gone out and got a bf.. but I wouldnt have learnt what I've learnt.

I'm not sure Trixi, you were ML with your H just recently and you have been wrestling with filing. I personally dont think dating is a good idea until you feel clearly done with someone, else you risk hurting any new bf, or yourself, when the old feelings creep in?

On the other hand, like I said, some find it a good coping mechanism, depends what kind of person you are I guess !?

Ali x

[Trixi]

Oh, I don't *really* want to go and find anyone else, but I can see where it might get ONE of us (H or myself) to finally make a decision.

You've read the "MLC For Dummies" post, right? Right at the end it says that as the MLCer you shouldn't file and you should make the LBS do it so that you can be the "victim". Sometimes I feel like he is trying to make ME be the one to file, but I do not want to file. I still love him. I still see great potential for us. When he tosses out hopeful comments (like "this house will be a great rental") it is very hard for me to throw in the towel to swim out into the great abyss of the unknown.

With regard to the risk of hurt feelings to new BF-- that is why my friend stated clearly, up front, that she still had feelings for her exBF. And the new guy liked her enough to hang out to see what happened.

But yes,I agree, ideally it is best to simply move on from the other person without adding in a third party.