Fireproof.....well, not really

[25yearsmlc]

kerryf,

sorry to interrupt, but I laughed at your comment re: the failure of the "warning label" on your marriage license...

you should probably sue Nevada...or the "minister" who married you guys. Defective product, and or false advertising, obviously.
j-

[25yearsmlc]

FIB,

long time no hear/see whatevr...I'm just jotting a note about your religious dilemma a month or so ago, with the kids and going up in temple as an interfaith M, now in the throes of an interfaith D, and never mind that since she once converted it never really was "interfaith...." etc etc.

Here's the deal. You did your best to do Damage control--your wife created a situation that was publicly and emotionally dangerous (and not very "Christian if i say so myself) to your children. I can see no other way for you to have handled it, with 5 seconds of warning, without the kids being really hurt or traumatized. Right and wrong? ---the wrong goes to your wife but as you say, doesn't matter now. What matters is you did your best by your kids - and how can you ever really regret that? Kudos to you, again.
Now, I'm going to read the rest of your thread(s) to catch up.
((( )))

j-

[25yearsmlc]

FIB,

Okay, I'm caught up with you. First, to Snowmm, I'm a doc's wife and long ago gave FIB the big long pitch on behalf of FIB's w, and her apparent illness, the demands of being a doctor's wife (I got the whole fun part of all the schooling/training, etc) and what it's SOMETIMES like to lose yourself as a doc's wife, (the financial assumptions,the gold-digger beliefs about you even if you put the man through all the school and mac & cheese dinners, worked full time, etc ,) the long hours of loneliness, nights on call, which meant you had no one next to you in bed, except maybe a baby in diapers...I gave him the WHOLE spiel on what it's like to have no one ask what YOU do, once they find out what your MD spouse does, etc.

Well, FIB took it all in, THANKED ME, seemed to "hear" me, but much of it did not apply to him as I recall. He had already addressed the more common things involved about being a MD/workaholic, and what we spouses sometimes refer to as the 'working spoiled" married to folks who feel entitled to a hell of a lot, b/c they put out a hell of a lot---except their prof work is not on the R's in their life, but they want the rewards of their professional dedication to spill over into areas where they haven't put all that much into it. You know, the grass is greener where you water it and if they've watered and waterd but forgot that they missed a spot, well, I don't know how long I can keep the metaphor going so I'm moving on...

BUT for FIB----Not so applicable. And much more important, he has been here a long time with many of us rooting for his M, which often meant rooting for his W, or at least, articulating the most charitable approaches to her behavior that we could.

True, Maybe we aided him in being in denial, maybe we prolonged a hopeless M - though I'm not sure that's necessarily all bad for the kids... If it is, all I can say is we meant well. Or, maybe we helped a great guy give it his best shot, and at least helped him become the man he is today. By his own admission, for the DBing efforts he's put in and the help he's given so many here, he's a much better father, and someday will be a much better partner, if given that chance. With someone.

FIB has done more than anyone I know could. As much as I thought I endured with a MLCer/WASer, and the Huge onesided unfairness of it all, FIB has the added wounds of known A's repeated, !! (aka a "pattern") and her still being in the house, in his face, and the financial pressures, and the odd "could she be dangerous?" wackiness factors and still, he finds himself attracted to her. That's a lot to take.

While I don't know you at all, I do know a little about him. Look how long he's been "registered" here, if you can trace back to his original post name. I mean, FIB has been intensely working for YEARS,and has helped so many of us. Guess I'm saying not to be offended if he seems to gloss over suggestions of yours, for he has not. He has simply tried so many & so much for so long. Longer than any man I know, with the poss exceptions of other men on this very thread, for whom I have great admiration and affection. (They're also really funny, thank God).

FIB, I've noticed that you are having more frequent cynical moments, and jaded comments to say the least. Oh well. You're human, and you'd be truly insane not to have those feelings. I'm amazed you're not totally enraged and frustrated. You are still here!

God bless and I'll try to post something helpful later. I'll start a thread this week and may change my name since, for one thing, it isn't 25 years anymore, it's 27 --and we are a work in progress. I'd say more and better things--but h's mother has terminal lung cancer (small cell with mets) and has thrown him/us for a loop. Don't know if he'll get wacky on me again, but can't take it if he does. Yet it takes a real loser to leave someone when they're down like he is, even if their history isn't so hot.

I know I have to be the rock for now. Weird combination...to try and be a loving stable wife during his grieving, and intense irritability, while being really nervous he's gonna go bonkers selfish again. Yes, yes, all we can control is what WE do...

Back to YOU === You have what, 100 days left of this "in house arrest" before you guys are no longer under the same roof? Okay , You can do this. But, then what?
((xxxooo))
j-

[faithisbelieving]

25...I am so grateful to see you back. I am so sorry that your H faces another 'stressor' and I pray that it doesn't 'pull him back into the tunnel. I admire your choice to stay put during this time. I know of many instances where WAS's eject during periods of time when either their S's are ill, or, have lost a loved one. I think it speaks of the integrity of the person...one who doesn't have the courage to sacrifice some of their time to minimize the hurt of the other.

25..in summary, I don't think the doctor's-spouse think as you mentioned above really had too much to do with the demise of our M. I think it was mostly my W's pain and anger....life hadn't turned out the way she wanted...money was not coming in...she had to work in my office...she lost a friend to cancer...she gave up her religion for me and lost time with her kids. That...created anger and, IMO, drove away the attraction and sexual desire. This was followed by the EA/PA's and her search of self, injections, tattoo, etc. The OM interactions has pushed buttons that made it nearly impossible to come back, yet, she couldn't face the pain of destroying the family. She lingered...bouncing back and forth between M and..OM. I finally reached the end of my rope and filed. That created anger and rage based on the divorce system in NY and my needs (not wanting a sep). Again, she tried in some ways to say she wasn't sure if she wanted a D but did nothing to show it. The meeting with the law guardian and my honesty with her...shover her over the edge, creating recurrent anger, rage....removing the last pix of us and, what appears to be, her complete ability to move on.

Yet..anger ...is not indifference. Go figure.

I had a really bad week. Her father's levy caused me to miss the mortgage payment and affected my credit rating.

Other hurt and pain. I'm fighting to hang on financially and trying to pull my head out of believing that I am a liar, vile and disgusting....waking up to find her taking a picture of me when ALL of us crashed on the crouch after a gala the night before, and, yelling at me in front of the kids that I am a 'hyporcrite'.

FIB