I hate I was angry for nine years and didn't know how to express it. I hate that it took my nine years to realize the emotion wa anger!
I hate I didn't know how to know what emotions were.. I was so closed. so [censored] wretched.
I hate that I was afraid to love my children
I hate that I followed rather than had the confidence to take care of myself.
I never understood how counselors and friends said I knew how to say what I needed but I was always feeling shortchanged.
I hated that when he 'd come into teh counseling session with me it would seem like I was delusional making up my difficulty with him when he seemed so ideal. What was wrong with me? Why was I the one who was always wrong or seemed lacking?
He had to get really angry at me for my brain to connect and get stuff done. It was like a switch turned on and I could do things.
It [censored] couldn't have been all me?!?!
He's tell others how incredible I was while at home he'd cuta way... the house was a mess, the bills weren't paid, I wasn't doing my job. It didn't matter if the house looked great.. it wasn't right. If I made a great dinner he'd ask if I bought it form a restaurant.. "You made this?" I thought it was cute and funny at the time.
I felt overwhelmed.. I gave up.. he didn't want to go to counseling.. he could manage it in his head, the way he managed his manic. Everyhone thought he was perfect, me included. I was the weak link.. sweet nice loving but always lacking.
He wanted a maid.. my strength was nurturing the soul.
I didn't know [censored] love languages existed.. caring for him seemed to be te right thing to do.
I was afraid to be with him because of an underlying buzz.. that he didn't want to be with me would whisper deep in my subconscious.. I was at fault.. I couldn't relax.
Occasionally we'd go away and he'd want to sleep, or play golf then nap. That if we went to dinner or a movie we'd always head straight home.
I'd talk about my sexual sensual needs.. that men were microwaves and women were c rockpots.. to take the time and it would be great.. that I needed to be warmed up. "You would think that" was his reply.
With the first manic episode 2 minute sex became the norm. It gradually went up to 8 minutes. It was a 'sleep aid'.. "Want a sleep aid" was foreplay, then sex. I closed up. I was angry. I shut down. When we'd fool around for longer periods he'd grouse that he could tell my body was responding but that I wouldn't let go, that his jaw hurt. I stopped having orgasms.. never faked one because I didn't think it would be 'true'. My sense of truth [censored] me up.
I'd come out of depression, be great for a while.. then he'd say something.. I dond' know if it was innocenct or intended that would cut me to the quick.. and I'd stop the positive behavior and slide into the muck again.
One time he told me he absolutely did not believe in Jesus. It struck me in the heart... I didn't know if I could be with soeone who didn't believe in that.. in the abasis. I was surprised at that reaction and felt ripped. I followed his thought pattern and felt I didn't need to believe in a figurehead that may or may not have had a spiritual connection with God. It was enough that I had my own sense of spiritulatliy.. belief in more than myself.. belief in God without the need for church mass etc.
I believed what he said. I've probably been codependent all my life. I never realized that what i htought was beig good was really being hurtful. I always wanted to help but never realized it was smothering other people. I wanted to protect my children from teh shittiness that happened to me. I wanted a whole and healthy family. I wasn't happy he wasn't happy but i thought we would fainlly be able to work it out when he finally chose to talk about it.
He mentioned his unhappiness and in doing so the marriage, relationship was over.
The [censored] [censored] left me He never gave me a chance.. for yhears.
He chose the relationship he wanted.
I didn't have an input.
I love him.. or clung to him
At one point about 12 years ago I had an image of winning th elotter and what would I do? My first thought was that i would leave, leave him.. have the kids and get the hell out of Dodge. I was horrified at that thought.. How could I destroy a family.. how could i do that to my children.. how could I be that unhappy and not know it? It must have been a passing thought.
He saved my life. He loved me. He gave. He was unhappy. He wouldn't talk.. only in how to fix me. His talks made me feel defensive. He couldn't say antyhing to me. I'd get the deer in the headlights, hold my breath when he tried to have a conversation. I was always afraid but didn't know why. I was always walking on eggshells..
although I asked repeated he wouldn't have a vasectomy even though I told him that having sex brought images of death to me. I'd been so despareatly depresed after the brith of our thrid child I knew i would not survive a fourth pregnancey. He wouldn't go for counseling for his manic/depression. He dumped his crap on me. We lived around not making him angry.. that the manic could come out and that would be bad.
He started being gon on weekends, playing golf than going shopping alone. I never imagined this ethical guy could be seeing someone. I hate spew puke at the thought of the bullshit he put me through.. when he'd blame me while he was off doing god knows whatever.. finding happiness with someone else. I [censored] hate that he was such an incredible hasshole. Such a goddman selfish prick to me.. his children.. not even [censored] thinking that all this [censored] would hurt them.. that they would be just fine.
I;m pissed that my dream of a whole family was bullshit. I hate that he's such a la-dem-squa about money and blowing off his kids.l I want to stamp my feet thil there' stubs and scream at the top of my lungs at how [censored] unfair all this crap is.
I hate being rejected. I hate not being enough. I hate that I didn't think I was worth standing up for myself. I hate that the rat bastard would intentionally make me feel stupid and ignorant.. intentionally manipulate me for [censored] years.
I hate that I didn't know why I turned away from him.. why I sought a social life online. I hate what I became.. I hate how I lived on crumbs. I hate how my kids knew what my back looked like more than my front. I hate that I wasn't enough for them, him myself. I hate I lived a make believe life at the expense of what was real.
I was so lonely. I felt so alone. Everyone was compassionate for everyone else.. my sis in law who's husband left her with 2 young children and we helped her, supported her. Yet when mine was gone commuting to Europe for 3 years, rarely home.. I had it easy. I'd think.. at least she gets a Wednesday night and every other weekend off... I had the kids all the time.
I didn't like reality. I kept thinkig we were a nuclear family.. two kids, husband and wife.. hubby around the home helping. I lived life like that til I realized.. oops.. had three kids and a husband who traveled or was content to watch TV. Household stuff wasn't a big interest though he was great with painting (not cleanup) and wallpapering. His family told him he was an idiot to do the grocery shopping with the hours he worked. I was lacking, not doing my job.. judged incompetent.
He was frustrated living with me.. talking to his sister about it. I was the idiot. I was the one who didn't meet her responsibliities. I was damaged and lacking. I wore funny clothes.
I don't know waht the [censored] I"m writing aobut.
Gypsy - I like your spunk! Let it out! Too many of us turn our thoughts inward in terms of what we could have done differently to save the marriage. Our ex-spouses are selfish a-holes who did not give a sh*t about their families.
Sure we could have done some things differently, but for most of us who were faithful, this had nothing to do with us. Our spouses in general were very unhappy people who blamed their issues on us. Post divorce, almost everyone I know who started this process is still miserable!
I know what you mean about the finances! What a disaster. All you can do is clear the decks and rebuild.
Right now I am stuck paying a very expensive mortgage on a house that I do not occupy! Drives me nuts. Hopefully it will sell soon so I can truly get on with my life. I have been living with a friend for over a year and cannot get my own place until my house sells. The real estate market is very difficult right now.
So, we are all in the same boat. Let's support each other, make the best of things and move forward. My ex and I separated 1 year ago and things are better today. I feel like I am half way there.
Yesterday I got a little sad thinking about haloween and how I will not see my 7 year old daughter. This stuff is so sad.
Echo Fish Gypsy. He's bang on there. It is definately the thinking about special family times that I find the toughest. Halloween and fireworks night will be my first real occasions that I would of been to that I won't. Going to look for a fireworks party on Nov 5 tho as it's a wednesday and my night so will take the boys somewhere. Might even suggest my sister does something
I'm at the computer rather than in my bed.. not a good thing.
I'm feeling strange... not so good either..
Feeling unsettled..
While at the swim thingie, a mom whose been divorced was telling me about the reality of divorce. She was the one who wanted it, says she should have gotten out sooner. She's very happy not to have her former spouse as her partner.
When she spoke of my predicament all my positive thoughts started sliding away. One of my worst fears is not having financial security. This plunge in the stock market is erasing most of our joint assets. The housing market in the dumps. This house is way too big for my daughter and I.. but anything I can/could potentially afford is in really bad shape.
All my doubts started surfacing again.. where will we live, what can I afford, how big or little a place do I get, really small so I can save for the future.
If you want to divorce your spouse.. dang.. I wish he would have brought me up to speed. It's so shocking for it just to happen.
I don't know if 'letting it out' is good.. because I certainly feel like what a bear does in the woods.
I can completely relate to your situation. During our marriage, my ex and I built a very nice nest egg. She went off the rails, decided she wanted a divorce and thought that there would be no change in her lifetsyle. Now that our divorce is final she realizes her little fantasy is a disaster!
My divorce went final in August and my ex and I are completely detached with the exception of our home. Due to the difficulties with the real estate market, we have been unable to sell. Right now I am forced to be a very big mortgage on a vacant home. It really drives me nuts! During the summer, I had a contract on the house but the buyer backed out for fear that he would be unable to sell.
It is absolutely normal for you to lose a little sleep over the loss of financial security. These are very challenging times. My advice to you is to try and let it go. Think about this as a chance to start over with a clean slate.
Are you seeing a therapist? If you are posting at 2:30AM that is a sign that you really need to talk to someone. Sleep issues are a major warning sign that depression and anxiety may be kicking in. The sooner you talk to someone the better you will feel.
Divorce is a monster roller coaster. About 6 months ago I really felt like I was 100% recovered. I was living with a girl, having lots of fun with friends and really enjoying life. Unfortunately, once the divorce went final, it felt like a step backwards. I became very sad over the "death of our family," and the impact on my little girl.
All you can do is take it a day at a time and try and enjoy yourself as much as possible. For most of us it is not about wanting to be back with our spouses, it is the adjustment to a new lifestyle, the impact on our children and the loss of security, emotional, financial, etc.
I eventually went back to bed and struggled to sleep. This morning when my daughter wanted company at 6 AM I groggily tried to impress on her the value of independence and the goodness of letting sleep deprived Mom stay deeply cocoooned and snoozing in bed. Fourteen year olds feel no compassion especially remembering all the drill sargent techniques their moms have used to get them out of bed. She has learned the skill far too well. It was a good morning, but my bed is still singing my name.
Thanks for letting me know the scoop. It's deeply appreciated.
I do see a counselor, take antidepressants and have been doing well. My sleeplessness last night was an anamoly though triggered by a stressful fear and I added a few handfuls of anxiety to keep the fire burning. That's why I'm wondering if 'letting it out' on the board is working for or against me. I'll see the counselor on Wednesday and get her opinion.
Maybe letting it out is good.. I just have to learn how to stop once it starts.. not swallow it, just close the hatch til it's time to let it go again.
