ok its time to post

[Dawn of Hope]

Trapt,
Sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us.

I don't have kids, so I haven't studied up on parenting, and I can't speak for anyone else, but I can tell you about my experience growing up female without a father. My father died suddenly of a heart attack when I was 7 and my brother was 2 (he was only 44). My mother, finding herself widowed at 39, raised us alone after that, and has never remarried or even really gotten involved with anyone. My self-esteem was always paltry, although I mostly attributed it to the fact that my mother held us (and everyone else) to extremely high standards--for example, if my report card contained even a single B--anything but straight A's--I got the third degree about it.

I have had clinical depression almost continuously since I was 13, when I made my first suicide attempt. (Everyone in my family has struggled with depression, so there are obviously other factors besides my environment.) This is currently more or less under control with ADs, but has been characterized by feeling so worthless that the oblivion of suicide sounds better than the torture of everyday life as a garbage-level human being.

I always tried to hide how much I craved approval, especially from men, because I thought it made me seem weak and needy, especially since my mother always stressed the importance of being self-sufficient (for which I think she had good cause, given what she went through because of my father's death). I don't know how well I did, though, because one of my H's complaints about me was that whatever compliments he paid me were never believed, it was never enough to make me feel loved and worthwhile; I always believed eventually he would figure out that I really wasn't as great as he thought I was. (Which has now happened, in a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. Ironic, considering I now have better self-esteem now than I have had in 30 years.)

So...one person is too small a sample size to be significant, but my experience is consistent with the conclusions you mentioned about the effect of fathers on daughters. I personally believe that everyone would be better off if all parents were less concerned about gender roles--in both parenting and being kids--but that comes dangerously close to something I try never to do, which is to give parenting advice, because I think it's hypocritical to do that when I don't have kids.

BTW, I do believe "mopey" is a legitimate word, but you skipped "Bashful." Does that mean you're not??

Peace,
Dawn