no expectations 9

[peacetoday]

Hi
So tired of this situation
I snooped a little..some woman is helping him organize the office
I felt violated as this is my business too, we started it together..she has no right being a bookkeeper
My brother says H takes work home on weekends and brings it back monday done..H isnt doing it he said its a neighbor..right!
I think its his OW
So I got into a little anger when H came tonight
I dont think I can do this
I told him I cant keep doing this
Told him it must be nicwe to have friends whp do his book work!
he needs to move on to his new life with his new friend
He said he was working on getting an apt, but didnt know how much alimony he was going to have to pay

I said maybe his new friend can help him
he still says nothing
he does maintain good control of his tongue and still doesnt admit it but didnt deny it either
but its been 20 months since bomb and Ive had other evidence as far back as last september so I think he is with her a while
He also seems very sure of his decision to pick her over trying to work on the M
I know 20months is not that long but my H shows absolutely NO sign of regret
he appears calmer says he is losing weight
I think he has made up his mind
I hate him
thanks for listening

peace

[Upside]

(((peace)))
I know this still hurts even after 20 months and the D being filed. Even though you have detached and moved forward in your own life, there are still feelings. I can hear your pain in your words...I am sorry.

I obviously have no clue what your H is doing with this woman BUT my guess is that whatever is going on, he does not consider it a relationship. Did you try to ask your H what his relationship is with this woman or did you just accuse him? Why do you think he has made up his mind? From everything you say, your H is stuck and afraid to commit to anything!!!

I know when these things happen our wounds are reopened and the pain comes flashing back. Just remember that these feelings are short lived plus it is a reminder to keep moving forward and detaching.

Keep taking care of yourself and your kids. You are doing so well moving forward in your life...don't let this set you back!

(((HUGS)))

[peacetoday]

Upside
I think why it is hurting so much today
I have lost hope and beginning to process this as final
I have DB for 20 months
My H and I have created this friendship
we talk and see eachother frquently
most would say wow nice how you 2get along even after the Lies, affair, bomb abandonment ect.
But he says hes done with M

My H has done a few things right through it all

( ofcourse this is right stuff for a WAS not a committed father)

1). pays us regualary and enough and more

2). Is available to the kids, sees them, takes them, calls them back

3.) Babysits for me..which allows me to leave the house,

4.) Fixes anything and buys stuff if needed for the house(which also saves me time and money)

5. ) H Has not tried to hurt me or the kids by introducing OW in the picture

6) He has filed for D after I told him to in May, then he has stalled refusing to complete paperwork

I have pushed him to complete paperwork and he said he would, but still says he doesnt have income tax returns..when Accountant says he does

7) visits 4x a week here at the house takes kids out or stays here..I leave He has not till this point found an apt and still lives at a friends?

8) He is still sure he has done the right thing by leaving

9) he looks bad with a weight gain of 30 plus lbs but says hes losing weight and appears calmer lately

My problem is the same
do I let it all continue

choices
a) leave it alone, stop pushing for D, stop asking him to get his own apartment -let him be to give him more time till february 2 years and I move ahead ALONE IN THIS TIME as I have
maintain a friendship


b) Push for D encourage his own place, so I dont have to see him
but then the kids lose on seeing him as often and I lose a free babysitter..go no contCT

c) maybe contiue him to visit here- leave the D on hold till he pursues it- move ahead WITH MY PLANS and be less available(DIM) but friendly still

any suggestions appreciated
peace

[Upside]

Hi peace-
I wish someone had the answers for you that would make your pain go away forever. You have to decide what you want.

I don't know why but from the choices you listed, I get the feeling that there is still a part of you holding on. Are you ready to completely let go? Maybe you need to figure out how to detach more.

I try to post more later. Call me if you need to talk.

(((HUGS)))

[cagzmom]

hi peace- i have read your threads for quite some time and i feel your sorrow/your grief and your pain.

i have learned --- when you have no answer that is an answer, when you dont have peace you dont DO anything.... just wait and when you KNOW in your OWN heart what to do..do that.

[peacetoday]

Upside and Cagzmom
Thank you..you are both right on
I need to detach more
and wait till it passes
I think sometimes the pain creates more freedom in letting go b/c today i feel i know I have to let H go
I have to pursue D and move on
or H will keep me dangling infinitely just to be a safety net
I dreamt I was with a new man..we were happy in dream
H in dream too, but we were ont together
All things are possible..
peace

[still hoping]

Hi peace,

I'm sorry you are going through this still. I know how hard it is. After 2+ years, I still have moments when I feel as if I can barely function, especially whenever there's a new discovery about H and ogre. It does get easier, but I really don't know if the pain ever ends. There are also moments of clarity and times when I feel like I have truly taken a step back and risen above it all. If only those feelings could be permanent...

The best you can do is to keep the focus on yourself. Live as if H isn't coming back. Be the woman H will forever regret leaving. Our H's know we have left the the door open for them, but it's their choice not to return.

Keep moving and be confident that you will be ok, no matter what the outcome.

(((Hugs)))

[cagzmom]

Peace - remember this. Someone wrote on here that though our door is "closed" it can always and I mean ALWAYS be reopened if that is what WE WANT.

I still would lvoe to have a new marriage with xh. I still like him - even after all the pain he has caused me. If your h decides to work on himself and heal - adn then come back towards you - YOU can make the choices at taht point...but for now and for your heart..as the wonderful song says "PEACE BE STILL and KNOW that I am GOD."

Hugs to you today.

[Upside]

peace-
I hope that you are doing better. I do know what you're going through is difficult and takes time but you will eventually get through this and be in a much happier place...wherever that may be.

H will keep me dangling infinitely just to be a safety net

I wish they could understand how cruel it is to be a safety net...but I think it just goes to show how screwed up they are. You don't have to be the safety net if you don't want to be. Free yourself from your H's mess and be happy...find what makes YOU happy...and as cagzmom says, you can always reopen the door if you want to.

(((HUGS)))

[peacetoday]

Still Hoping
Nice to hear from you
I think about you and always wonder how things are..I will check your thread in a moment to see if you posted and i also wish I could maintain the Letting Go..but the wanting H back always seems to come back now and again
does it ever end???

Cagzmom
Yes- the door remains open, anything is possible
but I do have less hope

Upside
I somehow feel as long as H knows I remain the safety net..He will not return
not that he seems happier now, but I still sense this M life is too monotomous- He likes the freedom to do whatever he wants
and he is really not accountable to anyone
not such a great thing when you are bad with money

hope you all have a great weekend and thanks for visiting
peace