RMG.... Homie.... some honest reflections on the section of your thread...
Quote:
INSTEAD.... She chose to do the following:
Shut herself off from me..... Share with OM just how "bad" I was...... I am 100% certain OM got her to dredge up every single thing I had done wrong.... I am 100% certain OM "convinced" her I had multiple affairs....
She allowed all of this to happen...... She opened the door to the demise of the M.... She simply could have been a woman of integrity and brought the issues to me....
First parts about your X shutting off from you and opening up to OM and amplifying your faults.... I can totally relate. I am reading a book right now by Dr. Gottman that documents how frequently couples in distress re-write history so they can rationalize leaving based on how bad their marriage was.
They usually cannot bring themselves to leave until they convince themselves and others that the spouse they leave behind was heinous and awful in some manner.
Furthermore, this is exactly where my X went with it all. We were regarded by many, including those that knew us well as a "perfect couple". And I was referred to as an "Exemplary Father" and "Super Dad". Her parents thanked me for how well I treated and cared for their daughter.
Now, she has completely minimized and re-written those instances of history. She has painted such a bad picture of me and told everyone that those were all illusions. (I must be one hell of an actor... funny.... I remember they were genuinely great times).
So if this is any comfort to you, know that I experienced the exact same thing and Dr. Gottman scientifically observed the exact same thing over and over and over for many, many years of studying marriages. It is just what they do.
May I challenge you a bit on the second part of post where its listed the things she should have done? I do not disagree with one thing on your list. I would just caution you as a brother in relationship recovery that it is dangerous to get wound up in what others should have done.
From your other posts, you seem to have an awareness that you had a part in where your relationship went. I respect that honesty and self-assessment. That takes maturity that a lot of walk-away spouses may never know. Honest self-assessment is a foundation to growth and recovery from a sitch like what we have gone through.
Can I challenge you a bit on the notion that your X allowed all of this to happen? In my experience, and I have walked a very similar pathway to you, in my experience, we betrayed spouses had a part in where our marriage went too. In my case, I have found it a lot more healing and growth oriented to say that "I allowed all of this to happen"... and I have said almost those exact words.
Even though she ended the marriage and took up with a friend who left his wife for my ex in a highly painful and complicated situation, I still had a part in getting the R to where this could happen.
Even if my part were just not stopping it before it went to far (which in fact my part was far greater than that)... but even if it were only 2% and my X's part was 98%, my growth and recovery will come from my accepting of responsibility for my 2%. I will gian nothing by looking at only her 98%. I will just stay hurt.
On the contrary, it feels and looks like my X is so fixated on my part in things, that she is completely oblivious to her greater part. I could be wrong but it certainly feels and looks that way by me and all other onlookers.
So here is the a rigorously honest quesiton that you will probably find great value in answering for yourself. Not for me or anyone else, but for you.
How did you help the R get to the point where she was able to make a choice like hooking up with the OM?
Believe me brother, I know the pain of betrayal. And I am not trying to minimize what has happened to you. I am a suburban Dad and professional with an education that turned to a wicked narcotic after I found out about my XW and OM. It was that painful to me. So I respect that you may have been in agony.
For me, I can answer that Q by saying I neglected her, treated her like a trophy, took her for granted, and flaunted her in front of the OM to show how great I was for having such an appealing W. I let pride and complacency slip in and it ran me over. This does not excuse what she did but it sure made it easier for her to do.
I offer you the above question to help support your recovery.
