Don't miss the forrest for the trees now!! As Sage pointed out this was a MAJOR 180 for both of you!!!
I think your H's ability to TELL you how he was feeling indicates a few good things: 1) he's getting in touch with his feelings 2) he can articulate them gently 3) he felt SAFE in taking the risk to share them with YOU!!!
And you could have ruined it easily by being upset, clingy, whatever....but you DIDN'T...I think you gave BOTH of you an amazing gift.
You validated his feelings, let HIM make a decision he wanted to, and you ARE okay!! That's the Jeannine that he said he "likes"...no "loves"...!!!
Now, about his need to get away to his cave....perhaps some wisdom from Shay5 (where is she???), or Talista...
I don't understand (and I gather that you don't either) your H's seeming need to stay at the other place, especially when things are going so well at home.
My C has an opinion about that. She thinks that it is possible that after 7 years into the relationship, my H is at a point where he feels he must decide whether to commit to the M or get out and that he can't let anymore time pass without making a decision one way or another. At this point, I would have to say (and I'm quite sure H would agree) he thinks he wants to leave the M.
So everytime things seem to be going smoothly with us, it causes him concern that he will not be able to break free.
Whether he has a shred of doubt about departing; or an undercurrent of desire to stay; or whether he is just fooling himself in expecting too much; or any number of other possiblities, just creates more unanswered questions for me in regard to my H's outlook for our M.
I do think the focus has narrowed somewhat from before and in a way is more manageable.
When you feel up to it, please let us know how things are with you.
What a gem you are. Here we have on this bb, not only a fellow DBer, but someone who teaches psychology too!
My C is emphatic about the need for therapy for my H. She says that there is something wrong with him and that nothing will change until he gets professional help.
Okay, so that is the traditional school of thought.
But then you have the other school of thought which purports that delving into ones past is not necessarily productive, but instead, working on changing ones perspective and behavior is what gets the job done.
I tend to believe that the later is true, although I think that it can be of some benefit to be aware and acknowlege ones past and how the dots connect to the present. But I'm not all that sure that "digging" into the past is a prerequisite to positive change.
Following up on my last post about the need for counseling.
I failed to explain that my C thinks my H needs a C for the purpose of exploring his past relationships and experiences as well as learning coping skills.
The coping skills I agree with, it's the intensive and sometimes lengthy process of exploring the past that I question.
My H has so little time and patience as it is, going through that kind of mental shake down might just be the nail that seals the coffin confirming that counseling is not for him.
I would think that his time would be better spent working in a forward motion.
Good day Jeannine, I was a bit worried by your absence since the weekend, but that melt away when I read your post. A lot of good news there. So glad to hear you got to go to DB meet and had a good time and the positive aftermath with H.
Quoting Jeannine: I’m not sure what caused what I deem to be a temporary mood shift. The question is not “will” the pendulum swing back, but “when” will it.
Maybe it’s the excitement of getting a new bike, or he’s trying a new strategy, or there was a paradigm shift in his gray matter. Who can say for sure?
Initally, it was about getting the new bike, but he continued good mood was as others have already have mentioned because of how well you acted to his expressing his need for space with acceptance and respect along with affirming that you are OK with it. Also contributing is the eluding to some new found independence of your own. You're breaking his perception that you need to cling to him, that you expect him to be your 24/7 caretaker. You are untying those apron strings, so he no longer wants to let go completely.
Quoting Jeannine: But alas, I’ve noticed that I’m getting pretty darn gun shy lately...
This is a normal defense mechanism. When the rollercoaster starts climb, your head starts looking for signs of the crest to give you enough warning to place yourself in protect mode for the downhill portion. I still constantly struggle with this too. The trick really is not to try to stress yourself that the crest it coming, but to accept that if it comes, you'll will be OK. Accept that what happens ... happens and work on gaining the confidence that no matter what happens you will be OK and in the interm keep strive to string more of those good days together until they outnumber the bad.
IMHO, I don't believe one's entire past needs to be examined under the microscope in C, but one does have to look at past mistakes / regrets that one has not addressed so as to not to keep doing the same things that bring about the same bad outcomes. Then one can understand better the direction they need to look to find the solutions.
I don't believe one's entire past needs to be examined under the microscope in C, but one does have to look at past mistakes / regrets that one has not addressed so as to not to keep doing the same things that bring about the same bad outcomes. Then one can understand better the direction they need to look to find the solutions.
I'm with you there.
My concern is with what was implied by the C - that his childhood needed to be examined. This is where I begin to quibble.
I agree with you, that the more we can learn from our mistakes, bad habits and self defeating behavior, the greater the stride can be made toward substantial personal progress.
Thank you.