"but feel better able to handle a down swing if it comes along."
What will you do.. to slow the down swing?
Good question, and will there be a down swing?
I know one thing, even though I am better, I still have a hard time with the limbo...no not the dance.
To you and Bill, and I guess everyone else from what you have said...all these months, it has somehow been "obvious" that she is not going anywhere, at least not yet. You always told me "if she was going she would be gone".
For me, I think back about all the years she put up with me, waited patiently for things to change and finally made her decision to end the marriage....all the while we had what was on the outside a pretty normal marriage.
Don't get me wrong, I knew she was unhappy and I got the 2 previous bombs, but this last time she went one full year telling me everything was "OK"....pretty much lying to me. I know that doesn't sound right, but really, wasn't she?
Not.."I am trying", "We need to seek help"...not "You are screwing up again".
No, when I would ask her she would tell me everything was fine..it wasn't us it was something else...her job, her weight, the house...the weather....So in all my denseness, I believed her.
....and now, I have to tell myself, without being able to ask, to talk, to discuss..that what I am seeing now is her wanting to work on the marriage..her not wanting to leave or have me leave. That she sees the changes...she is waiting..I am regaining her trust.
Afraid to ask because of what I may hear....limbo.
I know I didn't answer your question...because I am really not sure what I will do to slow the down swings, other than keep doing what I have been.
Guess the question just made me think...if there is another down swing...if I get another reminder...what will that mean? Why is she still so afraid of committing to the marriage?
If she was able to hide her true feelings so well before, how do I trust that what I "see" now may be her true feelings.... Why should I trust her?
What makes you think that during that year she wasn't doing just what she said? I think sometimes we tend to vilify the spouse who finally says "enough is enough," not that I'm suggesting you are doing that here. Perhaps she was trying to tell herself that things were fine, that any unhappiness she was experiencing WAS in fact due to weight, clothes, the house, etc...
I don't know, just adding to the pondering.
My guess is that in many of these situations where the spouse up and walks away one day, saying that they've tried to make it work, they actually believe they have. They've done it silently of course, which is a little rough on us, but I think in some cases they honestly do believe they have tried to fix things.
I don't think your wife is working on your marriage right now.
I think she is enjoying the marriage that she always wanted. More specifically, I think she is enjoying the relationship with the man she loves as she always dreamed it would be.
Maybe it will turn out that there's not a lot more work that needs to be done. Who knows?
I do believe that if a spouse has decided for it to be over, they will make it be over. That doesn't necessarily mean that they will push for an official divorce, but I believe they will move on. Perhaps with another person, perhaps just with a life on their own. Your wife has never done that.
The time will come, presumably sometime AFTER you've been released from this threat hanging over you, that the two of you can begin communication about how better to love and care for each other. I think you've come so far in this area, and I will just encourage you to remain consistent in the husband that you've become.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
My guess is that in many of these situations where the spouse up and walks away one day, saying that they've tried to make it work, they actually believe they have. They've done it silently of course, which is a little rough on us, but I think in some cases they honestly do believe they have tried to fix things.
I agree, and there are things that I can think back about that may tell me, in her own way, she was trying. She has never been one to open up and say what was on her mind..to me or anyone else.
In hindsight, if my behavior had been different during that year..what I promised her it would be..things may have been different. If she knew I was really trying, maybe she would have opened up...tried in different ways...so that we could have been on the same page during that year.
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I don't think your wife is working on your marriage right now.
I think she is enjoying the marriage that she always wanted. More specifically, I think she is enjoying the relationship with the man she loves as she always dreamed it would be.
Yes...the "relationship" we have now seems to be good. I still question what exactly it is based on, but there is no way I can deny that the 2 of us still click on most things...and it is not because of any trying or phony actions on my part.
Nor, hers...one thing I will say about my wife is, she is who she is. I need to remind myself of that, regardless of what I said about her "lying" to me and herself all those years. There is not a phony or pretentious bone in her body.
I know you have reminded me at times to treat it as a new relationship and maybe that is where she is right now...that waiting, watching...if that's the case than I have to be consistent and build on it, as should be done in any new relationship.
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I do believe that if a spouse has decided for it to be over, they will make it be over. That doesn't necessarily mean that they will push for an official divorce, but I believe they will move on. Perhaps with another person, perhaps just with a life on their own. Your wife has never done that.
"If she was leaving, she would be gone". Forrest Gump
You know when FG said that, I always thought gone..physically..not emotionally. In the beginning after the bomb, she was gone. Sometimes I still feel that, but it is rare, and even more rare that it is an overpowering feeling like it was.
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The time will come, presumably sometime AFTER you've been released from this threat hanging over you, that the two of you can begin communication about how better to love and care for each other. I think you've come so far in this area, and I will just encourage you to remain consistent in the husband that you've become.
That's my "limbo"...I want the communication. I am consistent if I am anything....good or bad.
Now...have to think about FG's question...what will I do to slow the down swings??..."work"?...there is a lot more to it than being a good "husband" I suppose??
Journaling...think I need to get on here more often and keep track of the day to day?...always quick to get on and vent or whine, but lately not much to vent or whine about so......
Back up for a minute to Saturday night. Plan was to stay home while she went out with the girls...got bored and GAL'd my a$$ off...ended up at the bar wife and I frequent...band playing..ran into some friends and closed the place up...had a ball.
Here's the interesting part of the evening.
Through some miscommunication and poor cell service, wife and I did not connect until 3AM, at which time she found out that I was at the bar, and I found out she was staying at my brother's(she was with SIL). If I did not know better, I would have thought she was reading from an old script of mine, when she finally got me on the cell phone.....
"where are you? I just called the house and left a message?" -I'm at XXXX having some drinks and listening to the band. "really? with who?..thought you were staying home." -got bored, ran into xx and xx...having fun. "Are you OK to drive?...how long are staying..can you let me know when you get home?" -not long...I will call you. "OK...don't forget"
Stayed until they shut the place up..chatted with some friends out in the parking lot....got in the car....cell phone has messages from the last hour since I spoke to wife...LOL...WTF?
"let me know when you are home, OK?" "are you home" "hello!" "what the f***?" "you home?" "answer me"
Send her a text to say on my way and I am fine...relax and go to sleep....no response.
From the answering machine at home...best as I can remember... "Hello..just called to tell you I am staying at SIL's...hello are you home...sleeping?...I will try your cell.
Then the others must have been in between the texts I had already seen.
"Hello..are you there yet...why aren't you answering your phone?" then.. "You jerk...you better not be home sleeping...would you please just call so I know you are home?" and the last one. "I am SO mad at you right now. Would you PLEASE just call me so I know you are home safe?"
Called and got her voice mail so I figured she was sleeping. Checked in with her in the morning and we both laughed about it, but she did make sure that I knew she was just concerned and wanted to make sure I was home safe.
This is the first time since the bomb, even with all we do and as well as we get along, that it felt like she was showing concern for my whereabouts and well being...really....and it kind of felt good to have a little bit of a role reversal.
Like I said, she could have been reading from one of my old scripts...where are you, when will you be home, who are with???
Oh, well...I thought it was cute anyway.
Have to get back and catch up on the rest of the week...which was calm, cool, relaxed and normal stuff.
Sunday....Birthday party and Giants game at her brother's....good time. She was close all afternoon...sat by me, rested her hand on my leg...poked and tapped me when she got worked up watching the game. We left at half time, went home and watched the rest, relaxed and chatted.
What was significant to me about that day was she included me automatically. Early on, right after the bomb, when I tried to be more social and include myself in things like this, she never seemed quite comfortable about it.
I had separated myself from her family so much over the years that even though she "let me come along".......I believe she took these actions as phony changes on my part. Several times over the last couple of months as things like this have come up she is more apt to say "we have a party at XXXX"....not "I have to go to XXXX, you can come along if you like", or maybe not mention it until the last minute and just go alone.
Monday wife stayed home and cooked all day while I was at work....we just finished up the leftovers last night, so she really went wild and stocked up the fridge. That night when I got home we watched Monday Night Football, relaxed watched some TV and talked....normal every day stuff.
Tuesday I was off and puttered around the house, brought her lunch at work and made us dinner that evening. That night we did have some drinks and one of our "silly nights"....no ML(that time of month), but we had a nice close, affectionate time and lots of fun talking and listening to music. Storms in the area had knocked out our cable, so we actually spent some time playing video games, which we have not done in many years.
At one point during the night as we were talking, there was another one of those moments when she wanted to say something, but didn't. This time she actually told me she wanted to say something, but didn't know how to say it......"You know, the last month or so...you...I don't know...I don't know how to say it".
I asked her if it was something "bad" and she said no, so I told her if she was not comfortable saying it or didn't know how, then wait until she was, and we changed the subject. In hindsight I wish we hadn't, but feel good that I didn't dwell on it and it is not eating me up wondering what it was.
Wednesday we went out after work to get pumpkins and some things for Halloween...early night, as we were both a little tired from the crazy night on Tuesday.
Last night after work we had dinner and together went through the house, picked up, cleaned up, vacuumed and organized for about an hour. We also carved pumpkins together which is something we have never done alone, without my daughter....we each did 2, put in the candles and set them out to admire our work.
We are getting dressed up for a Halloween party tonight, so last night she asked if she could do a practice session on me for the makeup she wants to use.
She was shining last night and we were having fun....while she was doing my makeup she commented that she couldn't believe that I was letting her. I asked why....
Her response was that she had always wanted to do things like this but it seems like we never did....always a reason, always an excuse.....I told her, I don't think we ever asked each other....too many assumptions over the years, and she said maybe.
We ended the evening in the living room on the couch together as I rubbed her legs and feet. When I was ready for bed, I got up and put my hand out for her to come with me....she said "always bossing me around", and got up and walked to the bedroom with me, where we cuddled up and went to sleep.
Halloween party tonight...she just sent me a text pic of her in her costume at work, which I had not seen yet.
I asked her if it was something "bad" and she said no, so I told her if she was not comfortable saying it or didn't know how, then wait until she was, and we changed the subject.
Perfect. Absolutely perfect.
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In hindsight I wish we hadn't
No you don't. Your first instincts were right on the mark.
Your patience has gotten better. Keep working on it and you WILL be rewarded.
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She was shining last night
My guess is that she's been shining a LOT lately. I bet you are too. Forrest would be so proud....sniff, sniff....
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When I was ready for bed, I got up and put my hand out for her to come with me....she said "always bossing me around", and got up and walked to the bedroom with me, where we cuddled up and went to sleep.
I hope you can fully appreciate both the beauty and the magnitude of that simple exchange.
You have much to be thankful for. Even with that release that you are still hoping for, you have so much to be thankful for.
She has begun to believe that you are real.
She has begun to believe again in your future together.
The words will come in time.
You damned well better never let her down again. The heart is a fragile thing.
You understand that you can never go back, right? You understand that even after she has released you from your purgatory, the work is not done? The marriage that you are slowly building will take this same kind of loving attention EVERY day, EVERY minute.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Thanks Bill, I needed to hear that for myself as well.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
You damned well better never let her down again. The heart is a fragile thing.
You understand that you can never go back, right? You understand that even after she has released you from your purgatory, the work is not done? The marriage that you are slowly building will take this same kind of loving attention EVERY day, EVERY minute.
Oh my God, how could I? No matter which way this goes, no matter what the future holds for the two of us...the last several manths have made me realize just how much I truly love her, why we ended up together in the first place and how I failed to hold up my end of our promises to each other.
In the beginning we were soul mates, even with our age difference, and over the last few months that connection comes to light more and more....what is missing now is being able to plan and look forward together...to talk about the dreams and goals that I know we both still have.
Will that day come? I don't know, but if does I know it will be just the beginning of another relationship. If it doesn't, than I know the more recent past will be there to erase some of the bad.
I said right from the start of this all I ever wanted was for her to know she didn't do anything wrong, that I loved her and didn't know how to show her and that she deserved better.
I think I accomplished that so far and it is up to me to continue no matter what happens. The rest is up to her and I have accepted that.
Hope everyone managed to have a nice Halloween....ours didn't turn out quite as we planned but we had fun nonetheless.
We had planned on dressing up and going to a bar / restaurant down the street from us that was having a party and band.
My wife was excited about the costumes and doing our makeup, and she wore her costume to work(she has her own business).
By the time I got home, our neighborhood was over run with kids out trick or treating....my SIL was there so she gave out candy while my wife got me made up for the costume.
We gave out candy in our costumes all night...about 500 pieces...ate dinner in between and by the time it was all over both of us were pretty tired.
I could tell my wife was having second thoughts about going out, as was I, and I gave her an out but she said she was still into it.....communication...turns out we both would have rather just stayed in and relaxed after the days we had.
So off we went...on the way, I asked again if she was sure she still wanted to go out and she said yes.....when we got there I could tell she was tired and told her we did not have to stay. At that point she finally gave in, told me she was tired and just not really into staying. She apologized, told me I could drop her off and come back.
Somehow, in the DB world, that may have made sense....GAL, go have some fun without her.....but I wanted her to know that I was perfectly fine with what ever she decided and that, even though I didn't say anything, I was tired and would have been perfectly happy calling it a night.
I was fine being out, but would have stayed home if she wanted...seems she went because we had plans and maybe thought it was important to me?....Either way, we ended up home early and I think both of us were glad.
When we got there we took off our costumes and I laid on the bed and asked her to sit by me, which she did. I put my arms around her and told her I was tired too, glad to be home, and that she should have just been honest. At first she didn't really believe that I was OK with calling it a night, but I reminded her it was me who asked her first if she just wanted to call it a night...I told her I didn't want her to be disappointed and she pretty much told me the same thing.
She washed her makeup off, I jumped in the shower and when I came out she was relaxing on the couch. I sat by her, we watched the news together as I gently rubbed her legs and she started to doze off.
I woke her and told her I was going to bed....once again, asking her to come with me and not to sleep on the couch....I said.."It's early, we are both tired. Come to bed and let me rub your back until you fall asleep...it helps me sleep".....she said..really?...I won't say no...and I said "I know and I wouldn't ask unless I really wanted to".
