How am I doing? Need some encouragement......

[Sam1007]

Thanks Sandi for checking in again and giving me so much good advice!!

I still think her drastic physical changes had something to do with her other changes. I forget if you said she had always had a weight problem or not, but if she did and then lost the weight, it is like suddenly becoming a whole new person and she has to kind of discover who that person is.

She wasn't overweight in high school or when she got married the first time. She gained a lot of weight when she was pregnant with my stepson. SHe had gestational diabetes and she never lost any of the "baby" weight. She probably gained another 20 or 30lbs over the years with me. The thing is, even though I thought that she looked better in her high school pictures for example, I have always been attracted to her. The thing that did bother me a little bit over the years is the fact that she saw herself as not pretty and overweight. It's like she couldn't understand how I could be attracted to her, but I was. The result was that when we ML, we pretty much always did the same thing. That is also my fault, for not coming up with new things. I think she just grew tired of doing it the same way and she wasn't getting out of it what she wanted, so it probably became a chore more than anyhting else.
However, I was coming out of my depression somewhere in August/September and saw her in a new light. She had probably lost about 30lbs by then, and I do think it may have helped "snapping" me out of it. The result was that I was just all over her, as I just awakened. At first, I think she did enjoy my attention, but pretty quickly, she became more distant and it felt wrong to me. That's when the bomb hit, she told me that she had been unhappy for a couple of years and that she loved me tremendously, but she was not IN love with me anymore, she thought with my lack of interest in her, it was only a matter of time before I would leave, so she grieved over that and got over it (all without telling me a thing). And now that I am completely head over heels with her again, her feelings couldn't be turned back on like a light switch (like my feelings). She also said that she thought it was a weird coincidence that I became so interested in her all of a sudden now that she's lost weight. I have given this a lot of thought, and I do believe it helped me snap out of it, but I am certain that I have always loved her very much. Having said that, it does kind of wear on you when your W keeps asking you how you can be attracted to her (being overweight and not pretty = her words, she always said she was OK, i.e. not ugly). I always KNEW she would feel a lot better if she lost weight, but I couldn't push it too hard, because then I would sound like I was confirming her (untrue) thoughts. Now that she HAS lost the weight, it feels like she doesn't trust the feelings I have always had for her. The bomb hit extra hard because it felt like it hit right when everything started to come together!

If she came home telling you about particular men that "came on to her", then that was her way of wanting to get your male attention stirred up and maybe if see a little jealously there.

This was early this year and late last year, all after the bomb. And I did get jealous.

Hopefully, she will start to miss you a lot.....based on the things she has already said about you not coming by the shop, etc. So, she is taking notice......and that is a good sign. I believe you are really doing a good job by detaching and staying away......and then when you do see her, you treat her politely as you would anybody else, but without any R talks or getting into emotional stuff. So, you are doing great!

I am just not sure about the shop thing. That was the #1 thing she said (last year) was bothering her: that I was not supportive of the shop. However, I have TONS of things in there to build it up. I am the one that built pretty much everything in there, so she sees all the stuff I have done every time she's in there. So that's not true. When we had a R talk (started by her BTW...) somehow we came onto the subject of the shop and I told her all the things I had done in there. The she asks me, why are you telling me all that? And I said that she had told me I was unsupportive and she asked: When did I say that? The(surprised) I said last year in one of your long emails, that was #1 thing you told me bothered you about me.
That just tells me how confused she is.

If she can do this on her own, then her self esteem will be good and hopefully a healthy esteem. That could be when she will start to come around to changing toward you, as well.

I REALLY do hope so!!! Both the success of the shop AND the changing toward me!

I suppose I need to wait until you tell me about the R between her and the parents.

Well, she's always been the scapegoat basically at home. My SIL, the yougest one, has always been the favorite, by a mile!! I had a conversation with a good friend of mine that works with my W and he brought up a good point. She seems to be constantly trying to gain recognition/approval from her parents by telling them the things she does, the things she achieved, etc, but they are just not impressed. My sister who is a kind of therapist (helps families deal with children with learning disabilities) has told me (and my W) that people will almost always try to "please" their parents, to which my W said that she has given up on that a LOOOONG time ago. But her actions say otherwise: she keeps inviting them over for dinner even though they cancel half the time, she calls them all the time, they don't call her, they do not come over to see the shop. My friend was saying that maybe she can't let the business fail, or it will (once again) confirm her parents opinions. So she's throwing everything at it that she has. Now that I write this, I am not sure how I fit in there, but maybe it triggers some thoughts in your mind?

Oh, she noticed! Just b/c she didn't say anything doesn't mean she didn't. I can almost promise you that she did notice how good you smelled. Trust me, it just has an affect on females.

It certainly can't hurt, so I am going to keep doing it. I do always make sure I look good whenever I know I will see her. Although she never tells me anything.

Don't take every word she says and break it down and try to figure out the "meaning" behind it..... It will drive you crazy if you don't stop doing that.

I know. I am trying hard not to get my hopes up about anything, by just hoping for some really small gesture/baby step. That way, most of the time, anything she does goes beyond what I expected.

I would not offer to let her come back to the house even as platonic friend R.... she needs to "want" to come back home to you

That is exactly what I told her when she said: "You wouldn't want me to move back in as a roommate, now would you? You want me to move back in as a wife." I told her that I want her to "want" to move back in.

You were mentioning in a previous post in here that ther are 2 ways to approach this: be the best friend ever, or completely drop the rope. I thought about that for a while, but I think in my case the James Bond approach might be best LOL :), which I see as sort of combining both. Only a hint of pursuing every once in a while when we see eachother, with periods of no contact in between, to make her wonder a little bit and, hopefully, miss me/my company.

Thanks for all your help Sandi, I do appreciate it immensely!