I have decided to do what Dr. Willard Harley calls a Plan B - I am going pitch dark with my W and will change my phone numbers and email addresses. I have already purchased removals cartons, priced up storage and removals cost and have checked out a few rooms for rent.
She will know nothing about my whereabouts - and I need to decide whether I want to keep fighting for my marriage. I think now that I have run out of energy and the will to carry on because of the level of dishonesty, gaslighting and other vile insults from my Mrs.
I will also write a letter to her advising that all communication between her and I is to cease until/unless she can convince me that she has decided to end contact with OM permanently.
Michelle calls the the Last Last Resort Technique but I am taking it a step further and having no communication whatsoever with my wife. My father has agreed to be an intermediary for me.
I know this might end my marriage but what I have now is not a marriage anyway. It's an arrangement that allows my wife to cake-eat at my expense. I am 32 with no kids, and my life is important. I know that there will be a period of grief and that eventually I will find a W whom I know how to treat properly, and can actually love me in return.
W won't like that as she hates my dad, but if she wants to talk that is what she'll need to do.
I will only resume direct contact with my wife if she does the following:
NC letter, approved and couriered by me
NC letter sent also as an email to the 3 known email addresses for OM.
Deactivation of mine and WW's Facebook account
Deactivation of WW's Flickr account
Deactivation of WW and my Hotmail accounts - to be replaced by a joint one for us
Deactivation of my Skype account and WW's Skype account to be replaced by a joint one for both of us
WW's work email account to be changed - and me copied in on all emails so I am certain that it has been completed
WW and I take a trip away when OM comes to Sydney
Complete transparency about all passwords, cellphones, reading of emails, SMSs
MC with a proven programme for overcoming infidelity (WW still insists it wasn't an affair because we were "broken up")
All questions to be answered directly and honestly. Throughout our 9 years together - even the times we were deeply in love I have lost count of the number of times WW has answered a question and I have had to say "That's not what I asked..."
This is it. I know it probably isn't very DB but I am beyond the point of caring. Whatever I have been doing up until now, whilst working in terms of us having a good time together, has not even come close to restoring the marriage. Nothing can work until my W is willing to be trustworthy and until all contact with OM ceases for the rest of eternity.
Come on, hit me if you think I am wrong.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Yes. This is all you can do. She either wants you and a closed marriage, or she wants her freedom and the freedom to pay her own bills. She has been deceitful on so many levels. I hope you meet someone else before she makes up her mind.
She has been deceitful on so many levels. I hope you meet someone else before she makes up her mind.
Yes, I have hung on for nine months at great personal cost and have taken a whole lot of gaslighting and other psychological abuse. I have also had to leave two jobs because I was completely unable to concentrate. I have no idea where I found the strength from but assume it was because I was so badly in need of personal change myself that I initially felt I was getting what I deserved. I was far from perfect as a husband.
2008 will be a 13th floor in my life history - as far as I am concerned it won't exist, but the bitter lessons will and I will use them to make the rest of my life and any future relationships wonderful.
I want to find a wonderful, normal, well-adjusted woman with whom I am thrilled about sharing my life. I am 32 and I know full well that there are many lovely girls out there.
I just want this decision to be over and for the dust to settle.
best
GH31
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
I could mirror those thoughts exactly. I was way far from the perfect husband but damm well know what to do for the future.
In this situation you're lucky you don't have kids - i have a desire to put all that painfully learn't enlightenment to the benefit of my w and family but alas not to be
Yeah with your there 2008 did not exist but lessons learnt will last a lifetime.
Totally - i initially thought i was getting what i deserved also - my w is pretty much perfect which adds to my dilemma.
I did something last night I really shouldn't have done.
W and I were hanging out at home like we always do - I did a few beauty things for her like plucking her eyebrows, shaving hair on the back of her neck etc. Then we were chatting away and she offered me a massage.
Anyways, we ended up having very passionate sex.
I am going to cop some punishment here I know. I shouldn't be doing this whilst preparing for pitch darkness - I am only making life very hard for myself.
What is it with my W? I went on the computer yesterday and deleted loads of pictures of OM in her iPod file. But...there are also loads of our wedding pictures in there as well. And pictures of just me. How deranged is that? Really? And she's only owned an iPod since OM entered the scene - it was a gift from him to her!
Unbelievable.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Look at it a different way - enter the darkness on a high note. I actually don't think a close night including passionate sex is a bad thing - it kind of shows your wife how good you two can interact and be together.
Now would be a good time - saying "we can't be this good together while you are with om so this ends till om ends"
Having wedding photos on an ipod bought by om is bizarre. She really does seem to be extremely confused.
You have to go dark - this could go on for year. This situation needs to end one way or the other and going dark seems to be the only way.
Just reminded me - night before my w left she trimmed my hair and i recipricated by trimming her pubic hair - looking back it seems surreal that's how we spent our last night under the dame roof.
I get massages from my wife but unlike you if one ever developed into sex this nightmare would be over and we'd be back together.
You have come a long way. I know you didn't choose this journey but you sure have manned up. Good luck with your choices....I don't see that your W has left you any other alternatives.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Last night I hauled some boxes out of the attic and W came running into my room to see what was up. I said I wanted to have all of my things in the one spot.
I then explained to her that as far as I am concerned the marriage is over and that I am very sad that we ended up this way. She seemed a little stunned and didn't say much. But then she seemed sad and hating the thought of me going. I asked her if it felt over to her and she said "no, not at all" - I replied by saying "Look W, we sleep in separate rooms, don't talk about the future together, you're not in love with me - in fact you're in love with someone else. How on earth can you arrive at that notion? The writing is on the wall.".
"I haven't seen OM for nearly 6 months now. Even when we were separated GH31, I could still speak to you and see you but when you came back to Australia and didn't respond to my emails I started to feel really lost without you...".
I think that going dark would make her world crumble, but I think she needs it whether or not we both have a future together. She even said "I frown upon you detaching and moving on in May, and running back to Australia. It didn't make me feel very secure.".
No? Well what about the fact that you, my wife, were living with another man - taking trips with him, f***ing him and falling in love with him? Do you think I felt secure?
Duh!
She does not remotely understand the gravity of the situation - I even joke with her when she's walking through the dining room not to bump into the proverbial white elephant which she seems to find amusing.
Anyway she slept in my bed again last night, cuddled me and chatted. She was also affectionate this morning before leaving for work.
I wish this was easy...
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
