Yes I did get to the DB event. I was able to drive the car because my H went out and bought himself a brand new motorcycle after work Friday evening. We can’t afford shoelaces, but apparently we can afford the bike. (I NEVER exaggerate! )
H was in a much better mood as of Friday evening, I think it had a lot to do with his "new baby". (Also referred to in an email to his sister, as his "soul mate”).
Anyway, I did get some apologies from him for his Thursday night rage fest.
Saturday morning, we talked a while about a. acting vs. reacting, b. perspective, i.e. "what you focus on expands" and c. I reworded my need for "words of affirmation" to "words of encouragement" and "kind words".
Then I went to the FL DB event and was gone for 5 1/2 hours. (Nice people by the way). He did ask me if I was going to tell him where I was going, so I just told him that “I have something I want to do on my own today”.
We spent a pleasant Saturday night together as well as a very nice day on Sunday. I was getting all kinds of positive attention from him.
And, by the way, his sexual drive has returned in full.
Now here is where it gets a little confusing. Just as it happened recently before, everything was going fine between us for about 2 1/2 days when out-of-the-blue, my H announces his desire to leave. This time, midway into Sunday afternoon, my H walks up to me and says, "I have something to say and I don't want you to get upset.” “I'm feeling like I'd really like to stay the night at Parkside". "I'm not going to; I just wanted to let you know what I’m thinking instead of keeping it inside like I usually do". I thanked him for being open, but I must admit, it took me off guard. He said in a very sweet tone "Don't be sad" and showed an abundance of tenderness.
We went inside, ate cherries, and talked a while. The following statements by my H were in response to questions that I had asked. a. He said that things were pretty much the same for him. b. His feelings have changed only a little toward me. He then followed up by saying that that was a lot for him. c. His feelings have even changed somewhat toward our little guys, (four-legged kids) in how he feels about them when he is away. He loves them the same when he is around them, but…. d. That he has no desire for anyone else. e. That he does not pine for OW. In fact, he is beginning to dislike her because she shows up late to work and leaves early and barely contributes to the team effort. He said “I guess it’s a business thing”.
He later went outside to do some more yard work and when he came back in, I told him that after we ate dinner, if he still wanted to spend the night at Parkside, it was alright with me.
He looked stunned and pleased all at once. He said, “Really?” “You sure it’s alright?” “You’re not just saying that because of what I …..” I assured him that it was fine, and that because he had been so sweet and kind, I wanted to give something in return. I told him that this (our relationship) is a two-way street. I don’t know if his allergies where bothering him or if he was tearing up, but his eyes turned a little red and watery as he came over and kissed me.
He later took me out to eat, that is, after he showed me how happy he was feeling. It was a very busy day if you know what I mean.
I was thoroughly tired and found it difficult to stay upbeat but I did the best I could.
As soon as we returned, I said “goodnight". He kissed me several times and said “I like you”. I smiled at him and then he said, “I love you”. I smiled again.
He called me from Parkside to say goodnight and I steered away from anything to do with feelings and made sure that I was the one to end the conversation.
When he came home the next day, Monday evening, he was in a very loving mood. He was affectionate and filled with passion. (Hey! It bares mentioning. )
I’m not sure what caused what I deem to be a temporary mood shift. The question is not “will” the pendulum swing back, but “when” will it.
Maybe it’s the excitement of getting a new bike, or he’s trying a new strategy, or there was a paradigm shift in his gray matter. Who can say for sure?
I’m wondering if he has any (or a combination) of the following: fear of intimacy; problem with commitment; depression; inflated expectations about marriage; or is still grappling with some unexpressed issues.
Something happened Monday night that I found interesting. I’d mentioned to him that earlier in the day someone had told me that I looked as if I’d put some weight on. He asked who, and I simply replied “nobody you know”. He seemed a little miffed by my answer and quickly followed up with, “So where were you?”. I again answered in a simular manner. Now I know, to some that may not sound like anything of significance, but for me, it was the first (albeit small) signal that suggested he might be a tad bit concerned about another guy being in the picture.
But alas, I’ve noticed that I’m getting pretty darn gun shy lately. I spent most of Monday trying to stay in my skin. I woke up with a slight tremor in my body and was unable to get it under control for a good long while. I kept thinking about readying myself for the grand towel throw. I don't mean to be a sad sack here, but baving a few good days with him out of this entire year means little to me in light of his unrelenting desire to flee our M. It doesn't seem to make much of a difference to him one way or another.
I'm losing confidence that I can do anything to turn this situation around or to guide his heart back to a position where commitment is possible.
Quoting Jeannine: This time, midway into Sunday afternoon, my H walks up to me and says, "I have something to say and I don't want you to get upset.& "I'm feeling like I'd really like to stay the night at Parkside". "I'm not going to; I just wanted to let you know what I'm thinking instead of keeping it inside like I usually do".
Quote:
He later went outside to do some more yard work and when he came back in, I told him that after we ate dinner, if he still wanted to spend the night at Parkside, it was alright with me.
He looked stunned and pleased all at once. He said, "Really? You sure it's alright? You're not just saying that because of what I ...; I assured him that it was fine, and that because he had been so sweet and kind, I wanted to give something in return. I told him that this (our relationship) is a two-way street.
jeannine -- This is SUCH a tremendous example of a 180 -- new behavior -- for BOTH of you! He tells you honestly when he's feeling hemmed in...and you not only "hold onto yourself" but you give him the space and freedom to act on those feelings.
You mention not knowing whether you can get this back on track towards a commitment later in your post..."men are from mars..." stuff strongly indicates that (some) men really need to know that they are free to commit. Know what I mean?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Jeannine, what a great stride you have made, in being able to recognize H's need to hide out in his cave on Parkside. I'm glad you had a great visit at the get-together, and had an upbeat weekend. Enjoy the now while it lasts.
So many good things happened this weekend, eh? It's so nice that you got to have a break from the misery. Let's see: a good R talk, an apology, an ILY, lots of sex, showing interest in your whereabouts, reassurance about the OW, hey, that's a good MONTH for the rest of us! Seriously, if nothing else, it must have served to remind you how good life could be with him.
I know how frustrating it must be to have the big ups and downs. I know in my case, I usually had big ups and downs in response to small changes in my W's attitude and behavior. It must be so much harder for you, since you're dealing with big mood swings from your H.
I don't understand (and I gather that you don't either) your H's seeming need to stay at the other place, especially when things are going so well at home. That's very strange. If it were my W, I would be immediately suspicious that she just wanted to be with the OG, but that's not the case for your H. Is it simply a symptom of depression or some other mental battle that he's having with himself? And if so, does he realize it? It's so obvious that his problem is not you, it's him, and that jettisoning you from his life won't fix anything.
Congratulations on your response, letting him go. Regardless of his reasons for wanting to go, at least he appreciated the gesture. Sounds like you handled everything very well.
His saying, "I just wanted to let you know what I'm thinking instead of keeping it inside like I usually do" seems particularly interesting to me. That sounds like somebody who is really trying, in their own way, to change. Not only is he trying to be more expressive, it shows that he recognizes that being more expressive is a good thing (i.e., the need to change). It also shows effort, and that's maybe the most important thing of all.
Yes, the pendulum is likely to swing back again. At least you know this and that can help prepare you for it. Just remember that it's mostly, if not entirely, about him, and not about you. You're doing great.
The incident that I eluded to in an earlier post that I have yet to clarify, remains something that I still need to keep some distance from. At this point, it is memory that I'm not ready to focus on as of yet. I'll deal with it later.
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