Part of the observiing of your W's aging could be that you have a new perpective towards her and you see more of her imperfections. And her guilt probably does not help either.
No, I know her imperfections. She really has changed. Very wrinkled face for a 40 year old woman. She looks worse than many 50 year old women do.
I can understand 'stress' weighing on her but I don't see the guilt. Guilt over what?
I will say that she seemed VERY grateful when I told her she might need to stay overnight with the girls. It isn't any different than spending the thursday night here like she does and then coming back friday morning except she sleeps here.
And as I look back at it she looked very uncomfortable as I walked to the car.
Again, unless she suddenly became a sociopath, she did not walk out on her family guilt-free.
I can count on one hand the number of WAWs I've read about on these boards that didn't EVER exhibit any signs of guilt - and I'll still have fingers left over.
Frank it doesn't matter that she feels she's doing this for herself, the woman still left a husband that loves her and 2 daughters.
She didn't do that without at least some degree of guilt.
I'm sorry if thinking she's footloose and fancy free would allow you to adjust better (bitter) but you're not going to write that she's visibly aged 10 friggin years and convince me it's anything OTHER than guilt (as well as the financial stress).
Frank it doesn't matter that she feels she's doing this for herself, the woman still left a husband that loves her and 2 daughters.
She didn't do that without at least some degree of guilt.
I'm sorry if thinking she's footloose and fancy free would allow you to adjust better (bitter) but you're not going to write that she's visibly aged 10 friggin years and convince me it's anything OTHER than guilt (as well as the financial stress).
I've ridden that bull, my friend. It's guilt.
I understand Amy, and you ARE my friend.
Quote:
But you can't manipulate it to any advantage.
So don't even think about it.
I totally get that also. I didn't even think about it. Maybe I'm healing?
Their 'happy' life does create guilt and stress and that shows on their face. Last week a lady referred to my H as my dad. We are 5 years apart in age and she thought he was my dad! Other people have mentioned how old H looks too.
Happy last day of 49!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
The sadder part is I still think of her as my wife. How weird is that?
Not weird at all frank...she still is...just making sad/poor decisions.
You are very lucky indeed to have some veteran supporters here...like seeing 25years back and the post by 4kids. I read both their posts thoroughly and the advice is solid. It CAN take a while to heal frank. Allow yourself that.
As for aging, you know the phrase. Divorce is the next stressor below the death of a child or spouse or parent. We are not immune from it. However, amyC's comments on guilt and aging.....how true....they are merely observations and provide no help or insight as to moving forward.
Next frank....I think you set yourself up for the hurt the other day by going to 'old marital stomping grounds'. Go to new places. Frank...why not get dressed up....take your daughters'...and have a professional portrait taken....have one of those old effects put on....and frame it. Some people may criticize me for saying that, but, it may reinforce your feelings of togetherness with your daughters.
And finally:
HappyBirthdayFrank
There is probably no greater compliment that one man can give to another except to say that I admire you frank. I admire that you've held onto your marriage as long as you have. I admire you for the ability to look at your weaknesses,recognize them, accept responsibility for them and to dedicate yourself to changing yourself and improving them. I admire you frank for the near TOTAL self-sacrifice you've shown...in giving others more time to help them heal than you gave to yourself. I admire you frank for never turning down a call and lending an ear and ALWAYS LISTENING (a skill we all have heard about)...and never complaining. I admire you frank for your understanding of women and always trying to be the 'Superior Man'. I admire you for not quitting and STILL showing kindness to your wife in spite of the painful choices she has made.
I admire you because you chose your marriage and family over the pain of the recent events in your relationship with your wife
I thank you, personally, for supporting me through the most difficult times of my life.
Happy Birthday Frank. You're a good man and "you're gonna be OK." FIB
And, as we all know, Frank_d is the father of two girls: It's what counts
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
W came and did the usual morning routine, made me coffee as usual.
Later this morning she called my cellphone to tell me she bought 2 pumpkins for the girls to carve because D13 said something about it. I told her that I had told D13 wed go get pumpkins from the patch on Wednesday. W got flustered, thinking that she had offended me and I said it was cool, D13 just likes to get her to do things for her.
Anyway, she came over to the house and while she was here she took more of her clothes, saying that her friend had made more room in her closet for her stuff and she was tired of wearing the same stuff all the time.
She said she wanted to get them while the girls weren't home so they wouldn't be upset.
She also pointed out a couple halloween decorations she had put up this morning and I said "I'll have to get out the decorations box and work with the girls to do more"
W: Well, they really didn't show any interest this morning when I put these up.
Me: Hmm, maybe they are just not into it any more.
W: No I think it's because they are depressed.
Me: They seem ok to me.
W: Well D17 says she doesn't like either of us (Not true in my opinion) and D13 doesn't want to do anything with me. I know it's a difficult situation for them to be going through. She's really B*tchy to me a lot lately.
Me: She's not too bad to me most of the time. I think it's just her age.
W: Well you're lucky then.
Me: Hey I got two prospects for my billing system so I might make enough to catch up the mortgage soon.
W: That would be good. You wouldn't have to do any work since it's already done. (kind of a neutral tone of voice)
W: My business is picking up slowly and I've been able to get other part time office jobs so hopefully I'll be in a better place by december.
Me: I'm sure you will, you're a hard working girl.
W: Yeah.
Me: Well thanks for getting the pumpkins, and also for clipping those coupons the other day. Where do you find them in the paper so I can do them myself?
W: Remember the section we used to read together every sunday? With the Best Buy and other stuff?
Me: Oh yeah, that section
W: Well there's a (she goes on to name the sections with coupons)
Me: Thanks for the info, I try to save money when I grocery shop and I'm getting better at it. I don't get yelled at as much by the girls for buying the wrong things.
W: (Starts to tear up and her voice is shaky) Yeah, that's what I miss the most.
She turns to leave, and says goodbye.
During this conversation I smiled, and was positive and upbeat. I'm doing my best to be consistent in that.
I almost asked her that if she knows the girls are depressed then why is she doing this. But she's doing this because she doesn't love me any more and she is searching for something else.
It still sucks that I still love her. I just need to continue on my own journey.
