It's Tx Mom.. 2nd thread.. trying to hold on...

[TxMomw/2girls]

Ok second thread.. first one locked..

hear are my updates from the weekend...

I was in Orlando Friday thru Sunday evening for business. Had a great weekend.. went out Friday night after our sales awards party and we went to a nightclub and danced and drank ... didn't get to bed until 3am ... haven't danced like that in forever.. flirted with couple of my work colleagues all in fun.... everyone telling me how great I looked helped the ego...

So updates on H: He had our girls all weekend at our house. They did lots of neighborhood stuff.

Friday am he came to house 6:30am - he went up and got our baby and just walked right in the master bathroom and he said:

"Wow you look great, really pretty"
" I like your dress" ( i had a new dress on)
Me: I said thanks for the compliment
H: " Then he says you actually look Hot... really HOT" and kept going on

I said if you keep saying that and I didn't have to catch a flight I'd throw you on the bed and get it on.. we both laughed.. ( I know not good DBing )

I left and he called me twice on the way to airport.. talking about our little baby.. saying "who does she look like" and just chatting... he isn't usually that chatty at 7am in the morning.

I made sure he knew I was out late and I didn't call him Friday night like I said I would... these are 180's for me..

But got home last night - he was normal and hung out for 40mins or so but I did get in some R talks NOT OW talk just ... I had a convo with a guy I worked with who went through divorce when his girls were little and it just got me thinking... I know I'd be able to move past the affair.. what I'm struggling with now and would struggle with is the HOW - how could my H leave us and kids without trying everything to save the marriage first? the Abandonment issue... not sure he can ever explain this too me...

So I brought that up before he left... he seems so done and clear headed that at times I really don't think he is in the fog... I asked him... what happens if his feelings change in a year or five years? I said you know without a doubt, no looking back, you've made the right decision? He didn't answer anything actually... He just said who knows what is going to happen...

I feel a little more detached now and not caring so much about his every move or if he'll call or not.. just don't care this week so I feel good about this. I did find out I won a trip through work to Hawaii next year and my H and I knew we were going on this and now I will have to take a friend... little reminders how sad and lonely this road will be but I probably will just rub it in his face little.

H tonight said he was coming over for Halloween... I didn't say he couldn't b/c I know it is the best for my D. So hard because I want him to feel how it really will be at the same time.. ...

ST I made it.... great words of advice.. love the statement we need to stop our need to control... I have come so far in just two months with this.. leaps and bounds... control today and live for today... makes all this really seem so much easier than the fears and worries of tomorrow or next week or next month.. thanks so much for wise words...

I feel at peace today and feel like I've put in God's hands ... keeping the faith God will take care of me, my girls, and my H in due time...