My 29 year old wife going through MLC, this sucks

[Dawn of Hope]

BSC,
Just wanted to say hello and sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us.

This whole thing can just be excruciating, and you often have to do just the opposite of what you feel like doing. But that's what it means to be a responsible adult, and one who lives up to their commitments. WASs have abdicated those responsibilities in many cases, and you have to pick up the slack.

I just re-read the last paragraph, and it sounds kinda harsh. I will leave it, but add that it isn't 100% doom and gloom. We are all here because we believe that DBing gives the best chance of saving marriages. Sometimes both parties believed the M to be DOA but it was miraculously restored. There are success stories all over the boards, and hopefully you will have a chance to look through the wealth of MLC/DB resources. They have helped a lot of people.

It is true that you are going to have to develop more patience than you have ever had in your life. This takes a really, really long time to get through no matter what. You MUST find ways to make yourself happy in spite of whatever she might be doing to yank your chain. You cannot rely on her for your happiness; you HAVE to go out and find it on your own. Initially you "act as if," putting on that mask for her, but sooner or later, if you keep working on yourself, you won't have to act nearly as much; it will become genuine. One thing I can promise you: this experience will force you to become a different person. Your job is to do the hard work necessary to make that person BETTER than the person you were before. It is a painful process, but most of us on this board are working through it.

The other thing that is very important for your mental health is to learn to detach from her drama. This takes a lot of time and practice, but it helps you feel a lot better. Of course you love her and want to help her, but chances are that neither you or anyone else can hold her hand and guide her through this; she has to work through it by herself. The answers have to come from inside her to be accepted. It is a waste of time (and potentially bad for your R) if you try to give her the answers. Even if you think it's crystal-clear what she needs to do, she has to figure it out on her own. If you short-circuit that process, that just means the resolution of it gets delayed, because she has to walk through it eventually.

When things get overwhelming, take a break and breathe through it if you can; if that doesn't do the trick, then in private, cry, scream, journal, post here, call a friend and vent, go for a walk. Whatever helps you to let it out in a non-destructive way.

Regarding the calling friends--you do want to be very careful who you talk to about this. For one thing, most people in RL will tell you to throw in the towel a lot sooner than anyone here will. They don't want to see you hurting, and they think that if you just end the M, that will end the pain. It doesn't work that way. Another reason not to talk to a lot of people about it is that some who are not totally loyal to you will tell your W about things you have said that you didn't want to get back to her. And finally, the more people you talk to about it, the more people's feathers have to be smoothed out toward your W if you restore your M, because they will not want to forgive her for hurting you. So find a few trusted sources of support in RL, post here as much as you like, and say nothing to anyone else.

This is probably enough of my advice-babble for you to absorb at the moment. Take care of yourself and your kids, and be kind--to yourself, to your W, to your kids. And remember that you are not going through this alone.

Peace and blessings,
Dawn