I do hope you get to go to the DB get together this weekend!
I think it would be really good for you to get away out of the sitch and have some good interaction with people who understand where you are coming from!
Take care and good luck getting there!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Hi Jeannine...did you find a lift? Are you going? Make sure to let us know so we don't worry about you! (I'll be gone tomorrow and Sunday myself).
WOW...What an ordeal!!!! Talk about displacement!!! He's blaming YOU for all of his woes! That is totally unrealistic, not to mention cruel and unfair.
I agree with the others about his depression. It often "shows" itself in men as anger and hostility, even aggression. He was definately using you as a scapegoat.
What in the world did he say to you that is still too hard for you to share!! ...Gosh! like the rest wasn't bad enough???
ONE thing I CAN assure you of...you DID NOT CAUSE his depression! Genetics play a large role, early life experiences, the way we see ourselves, others and the world, etc. can set us up for depression, life stressors may trigger it into full blown episodes, but no one ever CAUSES another's depression!!!
It's not YOUR fault that he hasn't been addressing his own issues all these years! That he's stuffed resentments so deep they are now procreating in his psyche!
AND as others have said, it's not YOUR job to "fix" him.
CJ said some really hurtful things when he was depressed and thinking things were over...he said I'd abused him with my words and treatment of him (NEVER physical), that I'd made him too scared to tell me what was bothering him!!!, That I was like his Parole officer!... That he'd had doubts from BEFORE we got married ...Oh, at first I just took it all in and felt TERRIBLE!
I felt like a MONSTER!!
Then I realized that he really couldn't shove all of that crap onto my shoulders. He bore a heavy responsibility for his actions and inactions as well.
So...what to do? I agree that if seeing him brings on this kind of abuse (yep!), you should have no part of it. I wonder how he's feeling now, in the aftermath of his explosion...better? or worse?
When you feel you can, please let us know what he said that is now unwritable....we may have some insights.
I'm sorry we didn't get to talk at the FL Party. Wish you had been able to stay for a little longer.
It was so great getting to meet fellow DBers and share our experiences with each other. I hope everything is going okay for you and we'll have the chance to talk one day.
Jeannine, Thanks so much for your wonderful welcome to Piecing. I have read your latest sitch here and want to offer my hugs and support for what you are going through.
I haven't read everyone else's responses, and I might be going out on a limb here, but it seems to me that your H is verbally abusive to you. Have you read Gary Chapman's "Loving Solutions" book? It deals with how to respond to verbal abuse (among other things) in a way that maintains your self-respect.
I am hoping that you get some answers soon for your health condition, and that it is something that is easily treatable. Please focus on taking care of yourself. Your H's problems are his own to deal with and are not your responsibility.
Quoting Jeannine: There was an incident last night that was so horrific that I had pushed it aside all day until it crashed on me about an hour ago. It is something that I wish I could erase from my mind because it was not only frightening but it was a statement of the lowest contempt and hatred I've ever had directed at me. I don't know if it was an exaggerated piece of drama brought on by his extreme state of mind or if it was suppressed reality exploding before my eyes. I'm sorry that I can't be more explicit, but it is too fresh right now. I need time to process what happened.
Jeannine -- How are you? Sorry to bring up (and quote!) what sounds like such a traumatic event ... but your post went right to my heart....I hope you'll let us know what happened if you think that talking with us will help...
Did you get to the florida gathering?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
...Oh, at first I just took it all in and felt TERRIBLE! 