Mixed Signals or Just My Imagination ?

[native]

Are you finding a strange sort of peace?? That is where I'm at.

Hello MsMel, long time !

Yes...it is a strange feeling, but it is a bit of fresh air compaired to the pain I have been going through these last 7 mos.

But when I get these glimpses of her utter inability to treat me with respect, I see a person I don't like, someone who doesn't deserve all that I have tried to do for her.

I realize how utterly selfish and lacking in empathy she is at times, that though she always accuses me that its 'all about me', in fact, it is all about her.

The person I fell in love with is gone. I don't think I will ever see her again. She is as gone as if she died.

To be fair, perhaps W is in the process of metamorphosis and she will emerge a beautiful butterfly, but it is messy and ugly right now.

I know she is trying to 'find her voice'. This is my assesment of her. She has been quiet all her life and now that she is speaking up, it is an all or nothing proposition. The baby has to be thrown out with the bathwater. One day she will find the balance and understand that to grow, she doesn't need to throw out everything. But it will be too late for us.

I am finding more peace. I could wish she would be rational, fair, patient, forgiving, but I would be foolish to expect to find these as constant qualities of her character.

The only thing that nags at me is the thought that if I had the magic words that maybe something would click and she would love me again, treat me with the respect that I long for, and let me learn how to love and honor her.

Perhaps those words exist, but I don't know them. I don't really understand what she is looking for.

We had a heated discussion tonight re:custody. At first she really showed her a** and was generally condescending. I confronted her attitude and she visibly altered her way of interacting for the better. We got through the discussion, but we ended badly. She left admitting she was unable to stop thinking the worst of me. It was unpleasant, and there is sadness in all of this, but I was relieved to have her go. If her father hadn't been here with us, I think it would have been a complete blow out.

So, yeah...if she is going to be evil and hateful, I would rather not have her around.

In fact, I think she would treat any man in her life like this eventually. Perhaps I am wrong, but I know I gave our marriage all I had and it didn't work out. I think she is destined for drama and breakups. I wish it were different but I can't fix what's broken with her. I will pray for her as I would pray for an enemy. God forgive her because she doesn't know what she is doing.