WAW Won't Communicate At All

[MsMelancoly]

I totally understand what you are saying as well.

My sitch - has been an uphill battle since bomb day. Like I stated before my H is a runner & admitted to me last month that he has spent the past year trying to forget about our M or it's problems. Last month, we had our 1st R talks since last Nov. I thought they went well & maybe they did. But again it is easier to run away than to work on things. My H is also good at holding onto his guilt.

I admit - that I don't carry the DR book around like a bible (I only read each of them DB & DR once). But, then when I finally found this site, my H has been gone for 10 months. Sometimes, I wish I had found this site sooner & really had a plan drawn up. What have I tried lets see. I went dark last winter for 63 days, to gain back my own sanity & find the person that I really was (instead of letting fear control me). My H didn't try to contact me at all. I pretty much forced 2 meetings by doing taxes together. Then I found DB & used their coaches. I did a 180 inside - which was instead of being melancoly, to be upbeat, happy & be my H's cheerleader. I also wrote him funny emails from the pets. The later did get some results. But since OW was involved & my H's personality - it was only a minor & temporary babysteps. (And yes, ofcourse I was devistated, when finding out about OW. Yet, not so unexpected, because that is what he had done in the past. Also, it was only an alien child of our real problems. Still don't know what our real problems were). I forced another meeting with trading cars (my compact for his sportscar). Again, another babystep. WE did talk about divorce & I thought we would decide together. I know his mum is pushing him to divorce me (I have assets, he has debt). He did ask last month if we could work on our M after D. Very strange question, I think. So I am ok, w/D at the moment. I will keep a PMA, through it all, in knowing he can control if he wants to D me - but he cannot control how I feel about him. The 180 that I didn't do was be a total b*tch to him. I sent him a card for VDay & his Bday - which I probably shouldn't have. I sent him an anniversary postcard (cuz, I knew he wouldn't open a card). He received the card 3 days after he filed for D. (So I just laid somemore guilt on him). Oh well. Instead of R talks, I was supposed to be - being mysterious with him (that was my DBcoach suggestion). I couldn't follow it & had to find out, what he was thinking. That may have sped up the D process - who knows. Maybe I should have asked him to move his things out sooner (still 90% of his things are here), so he would have to deal with reality & not just leaving his old life behind. That chapter, has yet to be written.

What did I do for me. Went to see an IC for the 1st time in my life & learned a lot about me. I read a lot of relationship books, a website on egos, a book on male depression, the 5 Languages of Love book, & His Needs Her Needs book. Obliviously, none of them helped my M sitch - but I have learned & grown so much this past year. I do not reget what has happened this year - much what I have lost, I have gained in knowledge & have learned to do & view things differently.

So I totally understand how difficult it is to deal with a spouse, who wants nothing to do with you. All I wanted was to be friends again with my H. I have not given up on that. You have to stay strong, positive inside & out, and be patient. Don't let family & friends control your actions. You know what is best for you & what road you need to take.