Things went from bad to worse last night. At 8pm, my H called me from the other house and said that he was staying there and that someone who lives locally would be giving him a ride to work. By then, our little guys were crying and fussing around my feet wondering where there Daddy was and I was feeling like I had had enough.
So I ended up taking them over there so that they could spend the night with him. Things went downhill even more as soon as I arrived.
He pulled out every dagger he had on him and reduced me to a bloody pulp.
Just a few examples: a. He was furious at me about the truck situation; said it was my fault and that it is worthless now; that we could have traded it in before this happened, but I’d dragged my feet on it. b. He got in my face and said if it weren’t for the fact that I was sick, he’d be long gone. c. That my illness and consequent body weight were somehow my fault and that I could think my way out of it if I chose to. d. Made vague and undefined references as to the reasons I make him want to end his life. e. That he hates working 50 to 60 hours a week and that no matter how much he makes, it’s not enough. The inference was made that I had run him into debt. Mind you, he was spending money like there was no tomorrow back when he was having his A. He also pours a lot of money into his hobbies - motorcycles and a used Porsche, which by the way, none of them run. f. He said he didn’t want any of the things we have and he doesn’t want his family.
The list goes on but some of the things he said are just too mean and nasty to repeat.
He found fault with just about everything I said and belittled my feelings.
His words tore through me like barbed wire. I felt like I was in some sort of vortex of nightmares.
He never once reached out to me as I stood there trembling and crying, utterly defeated and openly wounded. It wasn’t until an hour and half later that I was able to bring the pitch down enough that he finally put his hatchet down and I left.
I wasn’t DBing too well I’m afraid. I should have left right off the bat and not have gotten caught up in his rage fest. But I did. I played right into the whole mess. I’ve probably undone most of the good work I had accomplished over the months.
Actually, I’m not all that sure anymore that I had accomplished much at all. I really believe that he truly doesn’t want me, hasn’t for a very long time. He’s just been going through the motions.
Sorry for the long, unpleasant post. Feeling pretty hopeless.
