NikB #33 Keep on Keepin On...

[NikB]

Hey OT - it's been quite awhile. I can't have them myself for health reasons, which he's known all along. I can get pregnant but going through a pregnancy would be pretty dangerous for both me and a baby. I can get into details if you're curious but I'll spare you all that unless you're interested.

Years ago we talked about adopting and even started the process, but then sat down and had a real heart to heart on it, and I know this sounds awful but we both felt like it wasn't something that we wanted to do. It was a strange conversation because you could tell each of us was scared to tell the other how we felt. I ended up saying it first and H was incredibly relieved. I forget the exact response but it was along the lines of "Oh thank goodness you feel that way, me too!" We talked about it and both felt we were doing it because "we're married now we're supposed to have kids," not because either of us felt strongly that we WANTED kids.

We didn't really talk about it until we got to the "why you should pick us to adopt your baby" letter. We were reading examples and these people were so passionate about wanting children. Both of us stepped back and went "Wow... we really don't feel that strongly about it." We could write all day about why we'd be good parents but we were missing that burning desire to have kids, if that makes any sense. Don't get me wrong... I love kids and so does H, we're not anti-kid or anything, we're just not planning to have them ourselves.

Although it's interesting that you brought this up now because I have noticed H showing a lot more interest in kids in general. He used to mostly ignore them, or just have minimal conversations with most kids. Now he seems to almost seek them out. I noticed he was really 'taken' (for lack of a better word) with one of the little girls who came to the reception. He kept talking about how cute and sweet she was, and how she was a really good kid, a daddy's girl, etc. [don't worry, they left long before the bar-dancing started]

On the flip side there was another little girl who was pouting and in a nasty mood the whole night. He kept trying to help her find something fun to do and she shot down every idea (and I don't think her lip could possibly BE any further out). Later he said "I think she's just a rotten kid and likes being miserable." I suggested she might have had a bad day and H said "No she's just unhappy by nature, you can tell - she's too young to have had a bad day." When we've been around friends with new babies he's even wanted to hold them - total change for him. It's hard to explain but it's just WAY more attention than he's ever really paid to kids before.

And I, in turn, have been a little sad and wondering if we made a mistake in not pursuing the adoption thing. Which granted, we still could do, but after what's happened the past couple of years I'd be pretty hesitant. I would need to feel a LOT more secure in our M before I'd even consider it. Theoretically we could probably have kids of our own too if I found a specialist in super high risk pregnancies but I just don't know that it's worth it - H has said for sure that it isn't worth it to him for me to take those risks.

Although, it's very interesting that you asked that now because it's been on my mind a lot. Hmm..