Trying2Live-Post #3

[AllW8SBF]

Well Beautiful, Wonderful, Strong Ladies, looks like for the most part you've all been really well taking care of yourself and not thinking about the alien on the other planet.
OK come on trying to get some laughs.

T2L glad you started a new thread, I thought I was going to lose everyone.

Well I did it - GAL but lied about it for the most part well 95% of it. Last Thursday I got home from gym showered and changed, got really nice looking in my red sweater (dh loves me in red), he was doing his radio gig on the internet, I walked out past him and BANG - that was his jaw. He stumbled with what he was saying. Then when he was done he came down asking if I was going somewhere. I said yes a friend I had met online said she's going to help me. I have to get out and it starts tonight. So I was meeting her when she got off of work. I got the who, what, where? And said she works at Hooters (that's a big 180 for me, I looking snotty at girls there - mostly because I'm jealous ) And that she's been through this and knows just what to get me going with my life.
He was left happy but questioning - ooooh the mystery was killing him.
I made it all up!
I went to the bookstore and sat outside reading DB from 9:30-11:30pm and drove home. He was still up asked more questions was worried how she was going to help me.

I just said I think she'll be a great friend and she told me to be ready for a call on her whim. I just acted all bubbly and said but now I have to go to bed. Oh he was so not happy to be left hanging

Friday he had his first C session - this is the one he didn't want me to go to this woman because he was afraid she may suggest Couples session. Well I fained forgetfulness when I got home - but I did REALLY BADLY. See dh needs attention and lots of it. So when I came home he was right downstairs - not his usual thing to do, usually chatting upstairs - well he opened the door for me and was waiting already to talk to me. Made some polite convo, never brought up his session and I did my usual unpack my lunch put things away in kitchen and started to go up to shower. He said under his breath, boy nothing changes does it. So not good on my part - I avoid the convo because I'm afraid of what will be said, the things that will cut me. I don't think he realizes they do, but I also think if their not cutting my I'm resenting him for the last cutting comments so I reject convo.
Well I stop and saying nicely, I'm sorry I didn't think you'd want to talk to me in my stench (from gym) and that you'd want dinner, so I was going to shower. He said I've lived through it so far, I'm fine. So I'm like ok. I tell him a plan I came up with about dinner - I'm still going to cook dinner for us but I was really struggling with having to find out if he'd be around for dinner, felt I'd be prying and again it would just leave me open to "I'm waiting on him and not GAL" so I said I will assume I'm making dinner for both of us, but if you're not going to eat then please let me know, and I will do the same if I have other plans. He said "Don't worry about it".
This was kind of in a tone as that won't be necessary - either he will be here for dinner he's recommitting to us, or don't cook at all, And a little bit annoyed that that was what I wanted to talk about and not him and his feelings. So I went on and asked about his day - YEP ANOTHER BAD, should of done that first OH I was just so mad and preoccupied but that is always what I do - the least important is what I do first and don't focus on the R.
Somehow we make it upstairs - he's all nice and helping and just GREAT! Into the convo upstairs I say OH today was your Counseling session, and he's like ding she wins a prize. So he wants to know what I've been feeling about us. He says he doesn't know I haven't said anything. Well bad me says - well you've let me know that this M is over so I feel. He's like no! I want to know what you feel not what I've made you feel.
I'm not good with emotions and how I feel, let alone when I'm put on the spot. But I said I feel anger, sadness, a little happy, and optimistic. He starts to talk and then he says, explain each of those. So I tell explanations - you all know, you've felt them.
We talk about us and it comes out that his counselor when he said he's bipolar she says, you've had affairs. He says yes. Well she also told him not to make any rash decisions right now and that maybe it's a good thing you can't sell the house right now. That C thinks "I may come around". (I'm not sure if that means that I may change my mind and not want a divorce or I may become more sexual) - he told her he doesn't think so.
What do you girls think? What did she mean by that? I'm thinking it's the first. I mean he was the one who said the ILYBINILWY - desire thing so if he's the one there with the ending decision then why would I come around. Except if he told her I'm reading the Sex Appeal book.
When convo was over he said he feels closer to me then he has in a LONG time. GREAT RIGHT?

Well things went great rest of night he was helpful we talked, I tried to stay detached and even made it sound like I'm moving on. I kinda think that's bad but GAL is what he wants to see not so much the dating as it gives him mixed messages.

Well we had dinner and he said I need to find a woman for 20 minutes and we joked a bit and he said hey if you want to participate thats fine. We were joking around more, he turned on some porn. Then I headed up to bed, he's like your leaving I said yes, (little did he know I was going to change into something he liked), well I come down and he's trying to find some phone sex or something. I start messing around (all dressed up)he continues, I tell him if you want me to stop just so the magic word. He says nothing I continue. Well I can tell he's turned on but he's not off the phone, so I get up put my robe back on and leave.

I go to bed, wake, go to gym (oh he tells me about a dream in the morning). I get back and he's gone. well usually I don't call so I was going to call but before I could he comes in. I'm like I was just going to call you where'd you go? He went to get his blood levels done, etc. Had problems, etc.
Then he says since your here. Nothing would have happened last night because I don't see you that way and because I lost respect for you last night - you basically would take me back no matter what I did. I told him I did what I did because of his comments previously.
He said I'm sorry I should not of said that.

He ended up going out later that day to meet a friend (whose a girl) at the OTB. He told me he'd call if anything changed but not to count on him for dinner. He called said he won't be home he'll be staying out there (wasn't sure if he was staying out by friend or his parents live out there).

Next day he came home as I was leaving to run errands. He begged me to stay, couldn't believe I was going out and not watching the Cowboys. I stayed ran my errands later. EVERYTHING WAS GREAT AGAIN! HE was wonderful, better than he's been since we first got married. We had a great time.

But then he said out of the blue he's got plans for next Saturday and Sunday and won't be here to watch game. I'm like your not going to watch the game. He's like no I am just not here. And he's like I hope I didn't give you mixed messages and stunned me says no.

Hell yes! I thought we were doing good now this. And not sure if it's an act cause I asked when the game was next week before he said any of that and he didn't know, thought it was a night game.
We acted all pleasant after that, had dinner and wine. He told me he just found out while I was gone (ran my errands I was going to do when he first got home) that he had a meeting online for radio station. I'm like ok, are you going watch the World Series after that and he said sure I'll come down. Well instead he started chatting (usually it's typing this time it was with microphone on internet) with someone from radio station. And then started playing hearts with her. I was like what the hell (to myself).
Is that the way I should handle that? Or should I say something?

During our convo on Friday I did ask him hypothetically, I have a friend whose spouse is chatting online, is that acceptable. Should she tell him to stop. And he said no it's not acceptable. And if he is doing more than just friendly chatting then she needs to tell him to stop. And I'm like how's she to know that without saying she doesn't trust him. and he's like that's tricky.
So I go to bed. A few minutes later I hear him say that was fun we'll have to play again sometime. And he tells her can you hold on, I have to go to the little boys room. He comes in our room and closes the door - not sure why at first I thought he may have thought I was not in there and wanted privacy but no he knew I was there. I told him Um I'm in here, just in case he didn't know and he's like no I know. I just came in to take my pills.
He does a few other things and he stops and looks at me like he wants to say something but doesn't. He does some other things, then goes to leave the room and says, I'm not talking to loud am I (almost as though he wanted me to hear his convo with her - which I did it was fairly platonic) I said no, he's like ok well I'll keep my voice down I know your trying to sleep.

So ladies what the hell is with all this weird stuff. His A is over he tells me all the time how he wishes he could ruin her life, and that he wouldn't ruin mine because he respects me. He talks about their past A all the time. So I'm not asking should I tell him to stop? What am I doing wrong here?
He's got me all over the place.
Part of me feels he thinks we are working things out and he wants to see how I'd handle these situations if we do work things out. So what do I do?

Oh I'm going to be so lonely this weekend as my p's are going to dinner so I'm all alone on Sat night and Sunday H & usually watch the games.

I did do the dance class on Friday, it was friggin awessome and I'm going to go again and actually the same one is taught at multiple times and since I have 2 left feet I need the extra practice so I'm going to add a day to it. I think it's M or Wed night.
And I'm lieing still I said I went out to a friends party on Sat after I was with my p's. So GAL by lieing is my way. I don't have friends, or ones that I want to know about this part of my life.