My 29 year old wife going through MLC, this sucks

[BSC]

trapt, our sitch is so similiar it is spooky. And thanks SPM for th positive words. Here is how the day went,

We went shoppping for the party and got the house ready and everthing was fine. When I got home from picking up the beer(most important item) I noticed she was wearing her wedding ring. I couldn't believe it. Then I took step back and told myself that she probably is only doing it for our friends so they don't all ask questions. But I had a little hope because she hasn't worn it around anyone in a long time. The party was great and the kids had a fantastic time. When everyone left we cleaned up and put the kids the to bed then......you guessed here comes the reversal.

I still don't know what set it off, but she came up and put her wedding ring away and I could tell she was bothered by something. She then went to her room and was tidying stuff up and I checked my email and I asked her if she was coming down to watch tv. She didn't answer so I went up and she was just sitting on the bed in the dark staring off into space. She looked mad not sad. She said she will be down in a minute. So I just said okay and walked away. Which is really hard for me because the old me would keep asking what was wrong and she hated that.

So I went down and read for a while and she didn't come down so I went back and told her I was going to bed and she could have the TV. I knew that for whatever reason she didn't want to be around me. So I went up to bed and 10 minutes later she came down and watched TV.

I know you all told me it would come, but is it normal to happen so quickly. It was like a 10 minute turn around. The good news is that I didn't crack, then or this morning. She is being okay this morning, not real nice but not real mean.

My question is should I ask her what bothered her suddenly? or should I just do the "as if" thing and stay the course. I pretty much know the answer but would like some advice. Also, is it okay to say things to her like "thanks for the nice weekend, i aprreciate it" etc. or would that be pushing to.

Thanks everyone and I am sorry I haven't been able to give you all advice yet, but it will come.

[SirPrizeMe]

Yes! it is normal to shift quickly.

What sets it off is her thinking about the nice time it was. What sets her off inside is her own inner conflict about whether to stay or go, whether she wants to be married or not. The "appearance" she put forward was the catalyst for her to think hard.

Do not ask about it. Say Nothing. It's all normal. It's ok for her to think about what she is doing, and if she thinks she will be bothered by it. But you are not bothered. Act "as if."
You are cool. You're fine with her moods. This is the test for you. "Will he stay in control even if I am moody?"

I don't really believe they consciously ask that question, but still - they implicitly ask the question by the way they act, and they truly do want to learn the answer, if you know what I mean. Regardless what happens later, if you are solid now, then in the future she will look back on this time and see "oh, wow, he was a rock the entire time. Just a solid rock in that stormy time." That is what most women want. Even if she is not responding to you outwardly, she is learning that you are reliable and solid. There's no guarantee that if you are a rock she will come back, but the chances are much better.

It's cool to say "I had a nice weekend with you." But I wouldn't say, "Thanks for the nice weekend." Did she give you a nice weekend? Or did you make it a point to have a nice weekend with her? There's a difference. One says you are in control of your feelings, another says someone else is in control. Remember, the error that many of these WAW's have is "he doesn't MAKE me happy." Well, yeah. No one can MAKE anyone happy. YOU make you happy, and SHE makes herself happy.

Now that she has pushed away, be prepared for a long lull. Quiet time. Nothing much of anything. Now is when you remember back to the other night and just enjoy that in your mind again. Just wait it out. Be positive. No R talk. No questions.

It would be ok to say "oh, you're looking better today than you were last night. I was worried about you, you looked tense." But keep it light. not too deep.

[fisherman]

I agree with Sir. "act as if." She has a war raging inside. It is much easier to justify leaving if you get caught up in everything.

You showing her kindness is causing her to think and its very hard for them to do this. My wife will stay busy doing anything to void thinking. Little do they know the person their trying so hard to escape is themselves.

I used to catch my wife zoning out too. I think they do this as a "mental break" so to speak. After a while I could tell as soon as I looked at my wifes eyes (deer in headlights) what kind of mood she is in. It does change at the drop of a hat too. Try not to show anything negative.

Sounds like your doing well. Yeah "whats wrong" is a no no. They hear it as "whats wrong with YOU!" no matter how nice you say it. Deep down they know something is up with themselves. Sometimes I found saying if there is anything I have done to upset you please let me know, and say no more.

Patience my friend. and as hard as it sounds you somehow need to remember you and your little ones in all of this, its so hard sometimes to get them out of your head.

[fisherman]

I agree with Sir. "act as if." She has a war raging inside. It is much easier to justify leaving if you get caught up in everything.

You showing her kindness is causing her to think and its very hard for them to do this. My wife will stay busy doing anything to void thinking. Little do they know the person their trying so hard to escape is themselves.

I used to catch my wife zoning out too. I think they do this as a "mental break" so to speak. After a while I could tell as soon as I looked at my wifes eyes (deer in headlights) what kind of mood she is in. It does change at the drop of a hat too. Try not to show anything negative.

Sounds like your doing well. Yeah "whats wrong" is a no no. They hear it as "whats wrong with YOU!" no matter how nice you say it. Deep down they know something is up with themselves. Sometimes I found saying if there is anything I have done to upset you please let me know, and say no more.

Patience my friend. and as hard as it sounds you somehow need to remember you and your little ones in all of this, its so hard sometimes to get them out of your head.

[BSC]

Thank you SPM and trapt. I am so greatful to have people to help me through this. I will do all in my power to keep up the PMA. As you both know this is extremely hard to do. I keep thinking about our weekend and using that as a tiny glimpse of hope for the future.

My W knows that she is confused, she has flat out told me sorry that she is confused. And that she doesn't know why she can't figure out what she wants. She also finds a reason not to be home just sitting around together, she says there is too much tension. But really she doesn't want to have to deal with her inner confusion. The bright side is that she said she just needs space for now and that she does not want a D. So until she says that, I will keep the faith and even then I know it doesn't mean it is over.

I will indeed think of my wonderful beautiful children that deserve me to try everything I can to keep our family in tact and happy.

Thank you both again and I hope I can help you all in some way soon.

[SirPrizeMe]

BSC, I think you've got it. you sound level headed about this. good for you.
no need to pay anything back. you can pay it forward.

[fisherman]

Hows it going partner?? I dont know if you have checked out the mlc resources thread yet or not. There is some awesome info. there. Plenty of smart cookies on this board that have been at it a whole lot longer than us.

You can search the mlc archives by name too and pick up some great info. It's hard to imagine after the bomb run that things will improve, but they do.

You sound like you got it together. onward and upward. Remember the positive changes you make should be for you and permanent. She will notice even if she doesn't act like it.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436

[dl443322]

BSC, just stopping by to tell you that you have a long, bumpy road ahead. But, take it slow and steady. Try not to think about every little thing she says and does. Take care of you and your children.

Oh, and listen to SPM, he is a wise, kind man who gives great advice.

[Dawn of Hope]

BSC,
Just wanted to say hello and sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us.

This whole thing can just be excruciating, and you often have to do just the opposite of what you feel like doing. But that's what it means to be a responsible adult, and one who lives up to their commitments. WASs have abdicated those responsibilities in many cases, and you have to pick up the slack.

I just re-read the last paragraph, and it sounds kinda harsh. I will leave it, but add that it isn't 100% doom and gloom. We are all here because we believe that DBing gives the best chance of saving marriages. Sometimes both parties believed the M to be DOA but it was miraculously restored. There are success stories all over the boards, and hopefully you will have a chance to look through the wealth of MLC/DB resources. They have helped a lot of people.

It is true that you are going to have to develop more patience than you have ever had in your life. This takes a really, really long time to get through no matter what. You MUST find ways to make yourself happy in spite of whatever she might be doing to yank your chain. You cannot rely on her for your happiness; you HAVE to go out and find it on your own. Initially you "act as if," putting on that mask for her, but sooner or later, if you keep working on yourself, you won't have to act nearly as much; it will become genuine. One thing I can promise you: this experience will force you to become a different person. Your job is to do the hard work necessary to make that person BETTER than the person you were before. It is a painful process, but most of us on this board are working through it.

The other thing that is very important for your mental health is to learn to detach from her drama. This takes a lot of time and practice, but it helps you feel a lot better. Of course you love her and want to help her, but chances are that neither you or anyone else can hold her hand and guide her through this; she has to work through it by herself. The answers have to come from inside her to be accepted. It is a waste of time (and potentially bad for your R) if you try to give her the answers. Even if you think it's crystal-clear what she needs to do, she has to figure it out on her own. If you short-circuit that process, that just means the resolution of it gets delayed, because she has to walk through it eventually.

When things get overwhelming, take a break and breathe through it if you can; if that doesn't do the trick, then in private, cry, scream, journal, post here, call a friend and vent, go for a walk. Whatever helps you to let it out in a non-destructive way.

Regarding the calling friends--you do want to be very careful who you talk to about this. For one thing, most people in RL will tell you to throw in the towel a lot sooner than anyone here will. They don't want to see you hurting, and they think that if you just end the M, that will end the pain. It doesn't work that way. Another reason not to talk to a lot of people about it is that some who are not totally loyal to you will tell your W about things you have said that you didn't want to get back to her. And finally, the more people you talk to about it, the more people's feathers have to be smoothed out toward your W if you restore your M, because they will not want to forgive her for hurting you. So find a few trusted sources of support in RL, post here as much as you like, and say nothing to anyone else.

This is probably enough of my advice-babble for you to absorb at the moment. Take care of yourself and your kids, and be kind--to yourself, to your W, to your kids. And remember that you are not going through this alone.

Peace and blessings,
Dawn

[fisherman]

Hey Bud,

Just checking on ya.

Sorry for the double post. I must have clicked twice.(still getting used to this laptop.) I hope your doing well.