It does take some time to detach. It has been about 7 mos. since W dropped the bomb, and I feel like I have just turned a corner.
For the first time since that day I feel strong. And I have come to realize that though I had my faults, I have acknowleged them and been willing to make amends when I saw them. However, W has them too, and she has not made any real steps to address her issues. In fact, she has been really awful lately and it just shows me that she has chosen not to learn any new ways to deal with stuff.
She chooses not to be vulnerable, to believe I am some awful person. It is like she is playing out a script from somewhere in her past, like a review of one of her M's many break-ups.
She ignored an important e-mail about finances ( I suspect she didnt read many of my e-mails in the past few months) and made some financial committments that were unwise.
Now she says she feels like she has been lied to. I had always told her that the info I had was incomplete, that I would have to sit down an make a full accounting of our monthly bills.
Anyway, she took out her anxiety re: being able to pay her bills on me, when she was the one who ignored the crucial e-mails.
As she began to get into her accusations and her voice began to rise, ( I was at her place), I said I wasn't going to sit there and be treated like this. So I got up and went to my car.
She came to the door and asked me calmly to come back inside.
It got dicy for a while, but I tried to be calm and listen. She worked herself into a lather then threw me out. I guess it made her feel better to be in control of the sitch.
Whatever.
Anyway, I am thinking how I don't even want to be around her miserable self anymore. I dread being in the same room with her. It is like she is under a dark cloud all the time.
But for me, it is like a whole world of possibilities has opened up.
I have time to think, dream and plan like I haven't for years.
I don't have to constantly be trying to pick her up off the ground emotionally. She has to take some responsibility for her life, choices and thoughts.
I know our sitch's are different, but you may come to a place where you can see that in many ways, you were doing too much, your spouse was doing too little, and they need to grow up.
I feel like I'm there now, and I'm ok with that.
As long as my D6 is ok, and she seems to be right now (except she doesn't like staying with M), I'm ok.
One day at a time. It will make sense one day.
Now I must burst out in song. First heard this song performed by Doc Watson. It is old timey, but very comforting to me. If you like this song, the whole alblum (On Praying Ground) is great:
'Tempted and tried, we're oft made to wonder Why it should be thus all the day long, While there are others living about us, Never molested, though in the wrong.
Refrain Farther along we'll know all about it, Farther along we'll understand why; Cheer up my brother, live in the sunshine, We'll understand it all by and by. When death has come and taken our loved ones, It leaves our home so lonely and drear, Then do we wonder why others prosper Living so wicked year after year.
Refrain Farther along we'll know all about it, Farther along we'll understand why; Cheer up my brother, live in the sunshine, We'll understand it all by and by. Faithful til death, said our loving Master A few more days to labor and wait, Toils of the road will then seem as nothing As we sweet through the beautiful gate.
Refrain Farther along we'll know all about it, Farther along we'll understand why; Cheer up my brother, live in the sunshine, We'll understand it all by and by. When we see Jesus, coming in glory, When He comes from His home in the sky, Then we shall meet Him in that bright mansion, We'll understand it all by and by.
Refrain Farther along we'll know all about it, Farther along we'll understand why; Cheer up my brother, live in the sunshine, We'll understand it all by and by.
Last edited by native; 10/27/0802:59 AM.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
Thanks for your response, I do know it is time to detach. I am trying with all my might. Its hard accepting it is over and he is building a life with her. I know for finances alone he is going to kill me if I dont just accept things and move on.
I did ask him to start going thru his belongings... i want to start a spring cleaning in october...big deal ..he only took a few more clothes.. the rest are all going to good will..TOMORROW!
I am very proud of myself..I said I would and I am sticking to it.
I guess I struggle with...when have we seperated and closed so much that there is no turning back..
Anyone that has been apart for a year or two..? Did your spouse completely move out? Just curious..
It is all so sad... just when we think things are looking up in life... someone walks out... I just dont understand the wishy washy -ness of the spouse having an affair.
My kids fight...one is nice to OW..the other not... hubby told D10..she couldnt be mean...please..you cant force a child to accept your cheating girlfriend..especially since it was someone my entire family befriended.
I will never have close female friends that I bring around my family again.. I know that seems harsh..but it is not worth the deciet that has been felt.
So...trying to detach..and semi dark at same time. I have no reason to speak to him... I am broken hearted... in denial ...whole thing makes me sick.
Thanks for your kindness Native...everyone on this board is very genuine..because they all feel the same pain....
You have to consider this too: If by some miracle you H does come back, can you forgive him ?
My Dad left my mom when I was 6 for about 6 mos. to be with an OW. He finally did come back, but it was obvious that my Mom never fully forgave or trusted him.
The OW had been a 'friend' of hers from the neigbhorhood who also left her H.
For a long time, my Mom had no close girlfriends. Probably 10 yrs. Finally she made some at church and I think her life has been immensly richer for it.
Friction between Mom and Dad has never fully healed. Sometimes I think how easy it would be for my dad to leave again, but he is on much steadier ground morally. But Mom never fully recovered.
Don't let this beat you.
And listen to that song I linked for you.
God bless and hang in there !
'We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God-those whom he has called according to his plan.' Romans 8:28
Last edited by native; 10/27/0803:26 AM.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
'Its hard accepting it is over and he is building a life with her.'
If he is as immature with her as he was with you, how long do you think it will last ?
I don't give it good odds myself.
Right now, you just need to breath the fresh air, realize that his leaving is not a negative reflection on you, learn what you can, be the best mother for your kids....learn from all that this has to teach you. There is always something to learn. And what you learn will make you a better, more attractive person for it.
You will feel strong again one day and maybe you will even see you H as he really is, not as he appears now.
What makes you feel good ? Listen to some music, go for a walk, buy some new clothes, do that excercise program, take time to pamper yourself and feel good, look attractive and smile...
You can cry here. All of us understand your feelings of hurt, even anger. But we're all going to make it. Time to take baby steps San....
Last edited by native; 10/27/0803:46 AM.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
Yes..I know I could forgive him because 1. He is not acting like the same man i married. 2. He is the father of my children 3. I have a huge heart 4. I still love him
and those are also the reasons I have trouble letting go... the "what if" keeps popping in my head..
what if he changes his mind what if I didnt do this what if I didnt do that
but I am trying to be realistic also... my dreams are obviously not his dreams.
and what are the chances he really would change his mind.. he has been gone 7 months ... having an affair probably close to a year..not sure exactly when it started.... you would think if it was not going to work between them ..it would have happened by now..maybe they will survive this... ..that makes me cry
Everyone of the things you listed "could" happen. There is no single answer to covfer every different variable in these situations. It is also the exact reason DB suggests to take care of you first, GAL, drop the rope, Act as if, etc... By taking care of you, identifying the things you can improve, setting goals, and continuing to move forward, at the end of the day, you end up on top.
As a pratice when I was walking in your shoes, I would stand in front of the mirror and ask myself if I was proud of what I'd accomplished that day. If the answer was "no" then I made every effort to improve the next day. Sounds simple in theory, but difficult to implement.
The "what ifs" are difficult. What you have to recognize is you are letting him dictate your actions. You know you can't move forward if you don't take those first steps. Those steps lead you to a better you. You can move forward and still be open to all of those "what ifs". The only difference is when they arise, YOU will be in a position to accept or decline the offer.
What your are striving for is to shift control. Now, your thoughts of what if this, what if that, are keeping you from getting off of high center. You're waffling with your thoughts and feelings, riding the rollercoaster, because your thoughts are centering around what your H may or may not do.
Decide you are in control and you will accept everyday as yours. Your H isn't commited to the M right now. Do you sit and wait or do you get up and do what Sandy wants to do?
You can continue to desire to maintain your family as long as you desire. I will tell you when you limit the interactions with your H during the times his thoughts are negative, you will get along much better. Both with him and internally with yourself. The negative interactions bring you down and justify his action in his mind, a little bit more.
Your dreams may not match with his dreams today, but do you truely know what his dreams are? I don't think he has a dream at all. How do I know? If he's living his "dream" why is he upset with you? If he is totally happy and content, where does being upset with you fit? There is no basis for it. If you are totally content and living your dream, would one persons actions bring out the worst in you? I didn't think so. Your H's mind is still working, still wondering. The best way I know to get his mind working in your direction is to have him recognize all of your positives.
Now, give us a list of the positives and then tell us how you are going to SHOW them in the future.
I'll start;
1) You're more attractive. 2) You have a far better moral character Your turn!!!
Your moving forward all starts with a mindset. The desire so to speak. It may be sparked when your pi$$ed off or it may be something else, but it will happen. Key is to recognize the attitude shift and use it for a desired purpose.
