Need Advice On Trip

[ThinkingItThru]

Hi all, I'm new here. I haven't posted my situation, but I've been following other postings for useful information on how to deal with my own.

Basically, I thought I had the perfect marriage. I had a great husband, responsible father, and best friend. However, along with my complacence in the marriage, I think H has moved in to full on MLC.

In Aug of this year I sensed a change in him. Then I got a rude awakening when I discovered a phone bill with hundreds of text messages to the same number. I investigated and found that these messages were to one of his co-workers. This immediately set up a red flag, but when I asked it was explained that this person was a friend(female, but not oriented towards men).This incidence however started off a series of events that has degraded into the serious possibility of separation/divorce. He basically started shutting down completely after this conversation.

I started going to a counselor and working on my issues. Like others here, I have an assertive (controlling) personality which I didn't realize might cause some issues. I've been working on being less controlling. My counselor has been trying to get me out of the decision maker role. Meals, vacations, entertainment, gifts, finances...everything has been decided by me. A lot of this is because of my H's passive personality. Much of the time the answer is, "I don't care. You decide." So in a vacuum, I do.

My counselor is the one who suggested that he seemed to be in MLC. His sudden shutting me out, developing outside friendships, combined with his age (43).

In early Oct I told him that I was giving him space, but I would be available to talk when he was ready. He immediately told me at this point that he had no feelings for me and hadn't had any for a year. [shock] He was hoping that whatever this was would just "go away". He indicated during this conversation that he might be open to getting some help, but he never pursued it.

Since then we have had a couple of blow-ups. I spent most of Aug and Sept doing what I shouldn't have which was trying to figure out and solve the problem. Along with a lot of crying and trying to talk to him about it. We've discussed separating. Last week he went on a business trip and I went away with the kids. We had no communication for a week.

I have a quandary now and I need some advice. In Sept I realized I had an upcoming business trip and I suggested we go early and have a couple of days to ourselves before my conference. This was before THE conversation. Today I told him that I cannot get a frequent flyer ticket for him and would he want to still go with me if we had to pay for it? I figured this was a neutral way of asking if he still wanted to go and would give him an out if he didn't. Again he put it back on me to make a decision by saying, "if we can afford it than go for it".

I'm totally willing to pay for the trip out of our savings if it will help our R, but again I am making a decision for the both of us.

Any advice? Oh, and he's not a talker...at all. He believes that if you talk about the serious stuff you might say something that can't be taken back. That's just the way he is. But it leads to a lot of mind reading on my part.

BTW, I've really glad I found this book and this site. It is very comforting to know that you're not alone when you're going through something like this.