I had another altercation with W this morning. Again, I just tried to call to talk to my sons before they started school this morning -- but unfortunately I had just missed S7.
That was bad enough, but then W began suggesting I stop by her apartment on the way to S7's cub scout pack meeting this evening to sign her copy of the contract to sell the house -- she didn't even ask if I had made a decision, just assumed she knew the answer already.
I told her, "whatever." I was getting quite a bit testy with her for callous interfering with my conversations with my kids.
She then tried to state something about S7 and I got a little annoyed with her for not getting to speak with S7, and mentioned I didn't get a chance to mention to S7 he needed to be ready for the skit his den is putting on tonight at the pack meeting. W got snippy and said she knew nothing about this and why was I waiting until the last second to talk to her about this. She started once again into her oft-repeated diatribe blaming me for the lack of communication in our marriage and this was "yet another case of the cruel lack of consideration" I have for her in "refusing to communicate" with her "out of spite". She said to me in the most snide, nasty tone, "...and so where has that gotten you, huh? How's that working out for your, huh?"
I'd about had enough of this, and told her, I don't seem to get a word in edgewise. I hadn't all weekend long, in fact. S7 already knows his role in the skit, but I just wanted to remind him to keep it in mind. But I haven't been able to talk to him without him being distracted or interrupted.
W then demanded I explain myself. I started to bite my tongue at that point, telling her she was just not concerned with what she was doing and wouldn't really hear what I had to say.
W again levied her lack-of-communication charge against me, and said that if I couldn't get a word in edgewise, as I claim, that it was not because I couldn't but that I wouldn't speak up. She said, even now I was just wanting to "punish" her by withholding important information from her, but my saying she was not going to hear what I say is just an excuse.
I blew my cool at that point and said, "Okay, you want my candid answer? Here it is..." And then I went on to tell her how all weekend long she has had no concern other than her own self interests, and how she hounded me all weekend about what she wants, while feigning concern for me, my family and our children. I couldn't talk to her or my sons without her changing the subject to her selfish desire to get the outcome she desires.
I had started to give her the full account of how poorly and shamelessly she had behaved this entire weekend, how single-mindedly focused she was on but the one thing, to which nothing else mattered to her, but then she fired back at me before I could fully express to her the wrong she was doing. She said that I was being foolish, that the offer was the best one we would see for a long time, and that neither of us could afford for the current situation to go on like this. She went off on a long spiel again about how I again was being reckless and risking foreclosure, maybe even bankruptcy, by procrastinating on this deal. She sees it as a "blessing" and a "godsend". And then she said I was only thinking of myself and -- get this -- that I was not thinking of our children.
I started to object but couldn't -- surprise, surprise -- get a word in edgewise. She went off on me for a good long while -- seemed like forever -- while I calmly regathered my calm and waited for an opening to counter. It never came. At the end of my tolerance, I even said, "Shut up." But she acted like she didn't hear me.
Finally, I interjected over her continued rant, "You say you wanted me to try to get a word in edgewise, well that is obviously not true. This is not communication. Goodbye!" And then hung up on her.
I had wanted to get across to her that it was not the decision to take the deal or not that I was upset over. The offer may or may not be the best course of action, but that is not what matters -- it was the attitude and the approach she took, the zeal with which she disregarded everyone else for her own personal gain, for her own personal goals. Her blinkered focus on her own interests is abhorrently destructive and has interfered with my life and our sons' lives. I wanted to tell her how badly she has behaved in all this, that she has injured me and injured our sons.
And honestly, I wanted to tell her our marriage and its failure was now the least of my concerns in the scheme of things -- so beating that old dead horse ain't going to get the mileage with me she thinks it will. No, as a mother and as a person, let alone as someone who deems to call themselves a faithful Christian, she has performed badly -- that is what perturbs me. I was so disappointed in her that I now welcome her petition for divorce.
I know that God wants me to hold fast to His ideals of M, Love, Forgiveness and Reconciliation. I know as a follower of Christ I should be more patient and to continue to pray for a positive outcome, and to await the possibility (as remote as it may be) that He can reach her heart and soul. And I should have more faith that God does still work miracles in our lives. But I can't stand to continue to observe this tragic fall in a person I have loved and cared so very much for. She is so like her mother now that I cannot abide this person -- that's not who I fell in love with and married.
But she still sees my continued efforts to maintain a level of congeniality and cooperation as me wanting to reconcile the M entirely, when all I want is to minimize the destruction to our S's.
She can go, for all I now care. I just want to be able to continue with my life and my role as a father with as few encumbrances from her as possible.
