BUT what about the kids missing rec time with him. I shake my head. I try to protect them from the hurt this inflicts and from the wrong messages he is sending them. Am i wrong. Should i say nothing to either party ?
You can say something. Say what you see. I think the kids would have liked to spend time with you. I think Joe was hoping to hang out with you. Mary had an interesting homework project, did you see it?
Note: NOT: You need to be here for the kids. Not: You are irresponsible. Not: You aren't being a father. ...or anything else provocative or argumentative. Definitely not: [b] you haven't been a father for the past THREE MONTHS![b] or any remark that expands the issue beyond the basic "your kids like to spend time with you."
You can also say to the kids - if you want to spend time with him, maybe you could tell him. he's been busy, maybe he doesn't know you want to spend time with him.
I really really understand the saying ' Patience is a virtue '.
D18 comes home from college tommorrow. she is home for summer break. I invite H for dinner. He says fine but I kind of get the feeling like he is a ' Deer staring at headlights of oncoming car ' How do your know when your crowding them? Do I just put the invites out for important occasions and let him decide? I ask with no pressure, just a polite invite, I would not get upset if he said " No "
I have no need to get D. All D would change for me is the ability to remarry and I am not done with this one yet !
Yes i know the destructiveness and ineffectiveness of accusatory language. It has never got me anywhere before with H , so i know it would not now.
I have done all the things you suggest. S20 has also asked and been turned down before, making it very differcult for him to keep asking. He is a proud young man.
H is a good father when not working. Thing is he measures his success as a father by his ability to provide. He did this as a H to. Commendable to a point. there has to be balance in all things in life, he cant find that balance.
Spm - are you making any progress ?
It is hard you not having one of these. I never know where you are at. Is home nearly sold ? How much time are you getting with kids ? Is anything improving in communication stakes with W ?
What will you be doing this winter ? Do you play a sport ?
Max, Haven't posted in a while as I've been on vacation and I'm not in the same position as you, but I can tell you what seemed to have worked in my sitch (yes, there has been definite changes for the good there, you can read about it on my thread if you'd like).
I was in the same boat as you when it came to my W. She didn't want a thing to do with me (and she's the one that had the affair). I decided to live my life with or without her. I would ask her if she wanted to go to dinner with me or do other fun stuff and if she said no, I'd go anyway. The more I GAL without her it seemed to have piqued her interest. Slowly...oh so slowly she started to do things with me.
And it seems to have worked. Of course I had to throw in a couple of "I may become the WAS" which I think had an affect on her too, but I can almost guarantee that when I started planning life with or without her is when she noticed. But it took a LONG time. And there were many times when I'd almost had enough. But it finally happened. So there's always hope.
I think you're getting great advise from others here. GAL. Force yourself if you have to. Heck, sometimes I'd just go out and drive around. Now I know you're currently separated, but when your H is going to be at your house, don't be there and don't tell him what you're doing. If he says he's coming over, tell him ok, but I'm not going to be here. Then be sure to be gone when he gets there. Or better yet, don't leave until he shows up, looking good and smelling good.
When you finally get to a point of being ok without them, that's when it seems to make the most impact.
Ok, just my .02.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Well, good, it sounds like you are laying low. Keeping it quiet. Good.
No, no progress on my side. No big changes. no interaction. I haven't seen my kids for a week. That's one thing I don't like about the arrangement.
it'll change. in time.
This winter I will be skiing, I hope with the boys. The girls are not big skiers at the moment.
if I get off my duff and fix up my bicycle, I will be riding my bike, too. yes, in the rain and cold. It's not bad if you have the right clothing. I need some fenders, though. to keep the rainwater off my face! otherwise it is very difficult to see.
As far as invites go...I always used this approach....
I would say: "Would you like to come over for dinner on ____. We will be having _____to celebrate _______."
OR "We will be having _______for dinner, if you would like you can join us."
I always left the invite more a question, gave H the choice. I always left the option for H to decline if he didn't feel comfortable. If H said "No", then OK, I assumed H felt pressure or felt I was crowding or controlling. I never persued more. It hurt to be turned down, but at least I made the offer. Let me tell you, I was turned down plenty. In my sitch, I knew about the OW so I also assumed H was going to be with her. This was not OK, but I had no choice in his wants and desires.
I never approached H with...."I want you to come to dinner."
Anything I want or wanted was controlling and H would get angry and assume I was trying to be demanding of him. NOT COOL
I think if you are turned down to an invite regardless of the occasion it is a good sign from H that he isn't ready to be included completely and is feeling pressure from you. If he turns you down, cool off on the asking for a while.
Your H seems to come over for most invites if not all, IMO H would say "No" if he didn't want to be included. Perhaps you are reading more into it than is actually there. They also say try not to over analyze your H's actions and thoughts. For one it is near impossible and second most everything we imagine is just that OUR imagination (working over time) with our thoughts and not actually what H is thinking or feeling.
In my sitch, over the past 38 months...I actually asked H less and less to come over and I am now at the point where I don't ever contact him. I never even include him in son's activities...I know it evolved from being turned down sooooo much. WAY TOO SAD !!!! H has made a choice not to be in our lives anymore, I have adopted the attitude that if H wants to see what's going on H will make contact. My H filed for a D 20 days ago, H has contacted me 4 times on the phone and visited us for 3 hours...I would have expected the complete opposite. I would have told you he will not contact us at all. So who knows what really goes on in their minds.
Keep plugging along Max, we are all here for you, you will get through this, I see a lot of positives for you....one day at a time....
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Another good point "always ask as a question - giving room for him to back out "
Put like that it is something I can be aware of. There are some fantastic little tips which go beyond what the book says and I think i will go back and collate them and post them.
Sometimes it is just the way it is put.
Welllllll not all invites are accepted, but a lot are, as long as they involve kids and there is chance I am not there.
I wonder if you need to include H in on your sons activites as possibly it is to hard for S too. I would be concerned about protecting his right to a father and encouraging contact. Do you have a reason to want to keep S from his dad ?
Not wanting to sound mean but is it for selfish reasons ?
I would be fearful that S would blame me in years to come for not encouraging time together. If he is unable to communicate with his Dad then as a young adult he could come to see that as your doing. You would be devastated surely if that happened.
Besides i think that Sons need their father. Well so do daughters. Daughters need to be told by their dad how pretty they look and how clever they are. This builds there confidence and self esteem around men and as adults it will enable then to possibly make good mate choices later on .
I feel it is a shame that children do not as a right get 50/50 split of their time with parents. Too bad if it puts parents out. In a divorce I think the kids needs comes before anyones elses.
Daughters need to be told by their dad how pretty they look and how clever they are. This builds there confidence and self esteem around men and as adults it will enable then to possibly make good mate choices later on .
