I hate I was angry for nine years and didn't know how to express it. I hate that it took my nine years to realize the emotion wa anger!
I hate I didn't know how to know what emotions were.. I was so closed. so [censored] wretched.
I hate that I was afraid to love my children
I hate that I followed rather than had the confidence to take care of myself.
I never understood how counselors and friends said I knew how to say what I needed but I was always feeling shortchanged.
I hated that when he 'd come into teh counseling session with me it would seem like I was delusional making up my difficulty with him when he seemed so ideal. What was wrong with me? Why was I the one who was always wrong or seemed lacking?
He had to get really angry at me for my brain to connect and get stuff done. It was like a switch turned on and I could do things.
It [censored] couldn't have been all me?!?!
He's tell others how incredible I was while at home he'd cuta way... the house was a mess, the bills weren't paid, I wasn't doing my job. It didn't matter if the house looked great.. it wasn't right. If I made a great dinner he'd ask if I bought it form a restaurant.. "You made this?" I thought it was cute and funny at the time.
I felt overwhelmed.. I gave up.. he didn't want to go to counseling.. he could manage it in his head, the way he managed his manic. Everyhone thought he was perfect, me included. I was the weak link.. sweet nice loving but always lacking.
He wanted a maid.. my strength was nurturing the soul.
I didn't know [censored] love languages existed.. caring for him seemed to be te right thing to do.
I was afraid to be with him because of an underlying buzz.. that he didn't want to be with me would whisper deep in my subconscious.. I was at fault.. I couldn't relax.
Occasionally we'd go away and he'd want to sleep, or play golf then nap. That if we went to dinner or a movie we'd always head straight home.
