I was unfaithful

[Sanderika]

Hey Max,

I know you are frustrated and angry....I get it!!!

Please let your H deal with this in his own way. If you don't let him sort out his own feelings his own way and on his time table your H will remain distant he will try everything to remain distant and the healing will take a whole lot longer - You don't want this. Give H time, all the time he needs. You have to place yourself in H's shoes. You hurt H, give him room to breathe and come to terms with his feelings without your influence, I know first hand how hard this is, but it needs to be this way, trust me on this. Practice patience, love, kindness and friendship with your H. He will come around. When you feel frustrated come here to vent. Do not show H this BB. It will not be a good idea...IMO he will feel pressured about the sitch and that is not in your best interest. DO NOT PRESSURE H FOR ANY REASON RIGHT NOW...

I think your H is a lot like mine. Mine is a work-aholic too. I knew this though when I married him and to this day that hasn't changed one bit. WHY KEEP TRYING TO CHANGE SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR H YOU HAVE KNOWN ALL ALONG. This is your H, this is part of who he is. This is the H you fell in love with, don;t try to change that part of H. H needs to be this way because this is his way of providing good things for you all. If your H is like mine, He actually enjoys working and never complains about the long hours. I personally would rather have a Work-aholic H than a lethargic, lazy couch potato H anyday!!!!

I know first hand how hard it is to sit and watch the relationship between the kids and your H deteriorate or be lacking in attention. Your kids are older...give them the opportunity now to have the relationship with their dad that they want...let them do the work, they will do something rather than lose it altogether. Max, sit back and be supportive without influence. It is nothing you can fix. Let H and the kids create a relationship that is right for them. I stopped a long time ago trying to keep a relationship alive between my son and H. I can't fix it. Someday, I hope, they will find a comfort zone with each other. My H MLC is partly to blame in my sitch...I understand this, so I leave it alone.

You are very lucky, your H IS STILL AROUND...You all had dinner with your H last night (Yeah, I know...H didn't do what he said, but you know the addage..."Best Made Plans....") Cut him some slack....the good part is YOU ALL HAD DINNER TOGETHER. Count that as a blessing. Wear a smile today for that alone. Make sure that all encounters are positive ones and H will notice and feel more comfortable as time goes on...Please have patience for the time...It will still be a while but with a PMA it will get better.

I think time is on your side...look at it as a good thing.

Your H hasn't mentioned D....So YOU don't mention D....

I think a project with your Mum right now is a great idea...It will use up some of this energy your are spending on the issues with H.

If you decide to go to counseling, interview them as well. I had two in the past 3 years. I don't see anyone now. The first one was trying to blame all the M problems on me, I have been solely responsible for all of my son's needs for the past 3 years and the first one called me a bad mother because I liked to do everything for my son - He was 9 at the time. OMG!!! I closed the door to visits with him after that comment. The second one didn't do more for me than I get right here on the BB. In fact for $90/Hour she was telling me all the same stuff I get here for free. I commented all the time that I actually get more support here on the BB than I got from her. I don't see her anymore either. I DON'T WANT TO DISCOURAGE YOU FROM IC, just pick one out carefully. If you pick one that doesn't work for you, move on quickly and find another.

Max, I care....Stay with us all....It is frustrating and we all know that first hand....the support here is priceless!!!!

Sanderika