Hey Chazz, FL, Mikey, RMG, Heartfelt, Cookie, lwb, Donna and everyone else who checks up on me..

*hugs*.. Thank you!

Getting angry and wallowing is easy for me. Getting angry and letting it out is tough. Growing up in the South I always wanted to be a 'good girl' which meant never making a fuss or being a bother (which I'm sure I was anyway!).

It felt good to let the anger out to a friend and a bit surprising with how much that spewed. It was upsetting that it seemed to keep leaking.. I didn't like that feeling at all and am afraid of it. Can I ever stop screaming once it starts? Will I be lost, lose who I am, want to be?

If I read this on someone else's thread I'd encourage (or tell) them to let loose. I'm also afraid of him or someone he knows finding this thread and using it against me (paranoid?). I always feel like I have to protect myself (a legacy from my father's abuse?). I'm afraid that what's beneath the joy and creativity is still a worm (self defeating behavior?). I'm afraid to take risks (weenieosity?)

Ah ha.. a life lived in fear, paranoia, control, limitation, low expectations and risk aversion sounds very limiting.. like trying to do cartwheels in a straightjacket.

Here goes..

Stream of consciousness..

Whatever comes out

Expletive expected (but conveniently deleted by filters)

.....