Okay, I'm caught up with you. First, to Snowmm, I'm a doc's wife and long ago gave FIB the big long pitch on behalf of FIB's w, and her apparent illness, the demands of being a doctor's wife (I got the whole fun part of all the schooling/training, etc) and what it's SOMETIMES like to lose yourself as a doc's wife, (the financial assumptions,the gold-digger beliefs about you even if you put the man through all the school and mac & cheese dinners, worked full time, etc ,) the long hours of loneliness, nights on call, which meant you had no one next to you in bed, except maybe a baby in diapers...I gave him the WHOLE spiel on what it's like to have no one ask what YOU do, once they find out what your MD spouse does, etc.
Well, FIB took it all in, THANKED ME, seemed to "hear" me, but much of it did not apply to him as I recall. He had already addressed the more common things involved about being a MD/workaholic, and what we spouses sometimes refer to as the 'working spoiled" married to folks who feel entitled to a hell of a lot, b/c they put out a hell of a lot---except their prof work is not on the R's in their life, but they want the rewards of their professional dedication to spill over into areas where they haven't put all that much into it. You know, the grass is greener where you water it and if they've watered and waterd but forgot that they missed a spot, well, I don't know how long I can keep the metaphor going so I'm moving on...
BUT for FIB----Not so applicable. And much more important, he has been here a long time with many of us rooting for his M, which often meant rooting for his W, or at least, articulating the most charitable approaches to her behavior that we could.
True, Maybe we aided him in being in denial, maybe we prolonged a hopeless M - though I'm not sure that's necessarily all bad for the kids... If it is, all I can say is we meant well. Or, maybe we helped a great guy give it his best shot, and at least helped him become the man he is today. By his own admission, for the DBing efforts he's put in and the help he's given so many here, he's a much better father, and someday will be a much better partner, if given that chance. With someone.
FIB has done more than anyone I know could. As much as I thought I endured with a MLCer/WASer, and the Huge onesided unfairness of it all, FIB has the added wounds of known A's repeated, !! (aka a "pattern") and her still being in the house, in his face, and the financial pressures, and the odd "could she be dangerous?" wackiness factors and still, he finds himself attracted to her. That's a lot to take.
While I don't know you at all, I do know a little about him. Look how long he's been "registered" here, if you can trace back to his original post name. I mean, FIB has been intensely working for YEARS,and has helped so many of us. Guess I'm saying not to be offended if he seems to gloss over suggestions of yours, for he has not. He has simply tried so many & so much for so long. Longer than any man I know, with the poss exceptions of other men on this very thread, for whom I have great admiration and affection. (They're also really funny, thank God).
FIB, I've noticed that you are having more frequent cynical moments, and jaded comments to say the least. Oh well. You're human, and you'd be truly insane not to have those feelings. I'm amazed you're not totally enraged and frustrated. You are still here!
God bless and I'll try to post something helpful later. I'll start a thread this week and may change my name since, for one thing, it isn't 25 years anymore, it's 27 --and we are a work in progress. I'd say more and better things--but h's mother has terminal lung cancer (small cell with mets) and has thrown him/us for a loop. Don't know if he'll get wacky on me again, but can't take it if he does. Yet it takes a real loser to leave someone when they're down like he is, even if their history isn't so hot.
I know I have to be the rock for now. Weird combination...to try and be a loving stable wife during his grieving, and intense irritability, while being really nervous he's gonna go bonkers selfish again. Yes, yes, all we can control is what WE do...
Back to YOU === You have what, 100 days left of this "in house arrest" before you guys are no longer under the same roof? Okay , You can do this. But, then what? ((xxxooo)) j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
